Descent into Evil

I spent the summer reading many different types of books. "Lone Survivor", the story of a Navy Seal in Afghanistan, was a gripping read, and "Swapping Lives" a bit of fluff from Jane Green was escapist. I also zoomed through Green's "The Beach House" (more fluff) and "The Friday Night Knitting Club." (ugh)

I was about two chapters into more escapist fodder with Green's "The Other Woman" when my friend passed me her copies of "Waiter Rant" and "Columbine". I immediately picked up "Columbine" and began to read more about the horrific school shooting and the two teenagers who masterminded it.

What is it about "Columbine" that made me put "The Other Woman" aside and descend into this act of evil? Why would I, or anyone, want to know the intimate details of such a bloodbath. And with children, no less? Am I hoping to reassure myself that while this kind of thing happens "somewhere else", it wouldn't happen here? Or am I hoping to head off any kind of behavior in my own children, who seemed fascinated by The History Channel with its WWII documentaries and shows like "Lock n' load with R. Lee Ermey"?

Hmmmm.

Back on Track

School has been in session for three days and I am back on track (hate those words) in terms of working out. Not so much in the eating (though I am trying to make conscious choices now instead of just stuffing random objects into my mouth.)

Wednesday (first day of school) I took a 2 hour walk on the beach with some friends. Two hours! What it lacks in hardcore aerobic activity it makes up for in duration.

Thursday I took the 6am spin class (and don't you burn extra calories when you get up at that friggin' UNGODLY hour??? I burned 550 calories (according to my bike) and subsequently had to take not one but two naps in order to recover.

Today I try ZUMBA. A friend teaches it right down the street, so I will check that she knows CPR and that there is a defribulator nearby and see what happens.

Now if I can just get control over the eating, things would be good.

Karma is a Bitch (and I love her!)

Yesterday I was waiting patiently in line at the self-checkout at my food store.  There are three self-checkouts at my store.  Two are for 15 items or less (no conveyor belt) and the third is for larger orders.  I was in the larger-order line.

The guy across from me at 15 or less was causing a backup because he had accidentally put his money in the COUPON slot...As the manager helped rectify the situation, a woman I know got into line behind him.  She was holding a bottle of chocolate syrup in one hand, and a baby in an infant carrier in the other.  We chatted for a moment and when the man finally finished his order, this OLD BAT WITH A CART FULL OF SHIT has the nerve to tell my friend that she had been waiting for a long time in the regular check-out line and could she please go AHEAD of her!

So let's recap, shall we?  My friend was waiting in a 15 items or less self-checkout line with ONE item.  This old crabby lady had been waiting in a regular check out item with a cart full of stuff.  My friend replied, "But I only have one item" as she struggled to balance the infant carrier, and the other woman just pushed ahead of her.

I told my friend she could go ahead of me in my line.  The woman ahead of me finished her order and my friend scanned her one bottle of chocolate syrup, paid in CASH and then thanked me again before she left.  In a loud voice I said "THAT'S ALL RIGHT!  YOU ONLY HAD ONE ITEM!!!"  I then scanned my items, all the while noting that not only was the old bat to my right having trouble scanning certain items, but she was rapidly running out of room in the bagging area for the items she had scanned.  Uh, hello!  That's WHY it's 15 items of less!  That's WHY my aisle has a CONVEYOR BELT!

I finished my order, bagged my items and left the store with a satisfied smirk as the woman was still scanning her items (and she still had a half-full cart).

Karma is a bitch, and I LOVE her!

Happy Mother's Day

Best Mother's Day ever!

Woke up late, enjoyed Blood Orange mimosas with my husband.  Took the kids to see Star Trek movie while eating BUTTERED movie popcorn and an ENTIRE BOX OF DOTS!

Took a nap after the movie, then my husband picked up Chinese food.  He cleaned up the kitchen while my kids presented me with their presents:  A homemade poem/picture frame and a sculpture from my 11-year old and a talking card that says "Mom, you're the BEST" from my 8-year old.  

Second best presents...the bracelet I picked out for myself and the mani/pedi gift certificate (also picked that one up myself...)

TOP THAT!

Can YOU Spot The CN Tower?

My eight-year old son and I were researching information on a project on Canada yesterday.  He wanted to include some landmarks in his project, so we did a google search for CN Tower (at one time the CN tower was the tallest building...)  Take a look at WHICH picture of the CN Tower was the top hit (needless to say, we did NOT include it in his project)

It was my eleven-year old son who suggested I put this on the blog.

All I can say is it's a good thing there's an arrow or I never would have seen the CN Tower

The Breast Day Ever!

What can you say about a day that begins with a mammogram at 6:20 a.m.? Imagine getting up at 5 a.m., still dark outside and the rest of your family sleeping peacefully in their beds, only to drive down to the medical building for the privilege of having your golden bozos manhandled and squished flat. You'd think everything after that would be a bed of roses.

However, I happened to mention to the technician (who was WAY too perky for 6:20 a.m.) that I had been having some...uh...dry skin on my...uh...center of my breast (okay, NIPPLES!) Okay, they itch like crazy! I wouldn't be too concerned about it except for the fact that I read a book where the main character dies a horrible death from Inflammatory Breast Cancer which manifests itself not in lumps but in RED, SOMETIMES ITCHY, BREASTS!

The technician suggested I check in with my doctor just to be safe. Now my favorite primary care physician left our practice and I have not yet seen my new doctor as of yet (what a nice introduction..."Hi, nice to meet you, check out my itchy nipples!") I opted to try my midwife who has done my yearly pap since the birth of my children. Sadly, she was not available and the nurse thought is best to see someone with an MD after their name. So I schlepped up to the doctor's office only to present my problem to an MD (who was, of course, a total stranger..."Hi, nice to meet you, check out my itchy nipples!)

She peeked and poked and prodded and then decided to SCRAPE OFF A SAMPLE TO VIEW UNDER A MICROSCOPE!!! If I thought having my boob squished was an unpleasant experience, it was nothing compared to having some utensil scrape dry skin off my nipple!

She thought it was strange that I would have such a condition in such an area. Typically, she said, it was something they saw in nursing mothers (ha ha!) She mentioned that I don't have it on any other part of my body, specifically in my "folds" (WTF??? I know I'm overweight but suddenly I have FOLDS?!?!?!) She prescribed antifungal cream or powder and a follow up with the dermatologist.

All in all, it was the breast day ever!

Ow

My husband and I are breaking down slowly (ok, not so slowly...) Yes, I have gained weight this past year (or two, or three) and yes I am getting older, but suddenly we're both like "Oh my knee/back/elbow." I could barely walk last week after spending 20 minutes on "Downhill Slalom" on the Wii Fit (maybe I should have stuck to hula hooping...but then I might have broken a HIP!)

I guess you go along feeling like your body will serve you well forever. Those parents and relatives and friends who complain about their aging aches and pains seem like whiners and complainers...hypochondriacs at the very least. Until those same little aches and pains start to creep up on you and suddenly you're the limping, moaning walking dead.

Suddenly it hits you. GROWING OLD REALLY SUCKS!

Mommy feels sick-y

Last week I had a headache. No big deal....I get them a lot. It didn't go away. For days on end I had this nagging, dopey, head is heavy feeling and no matter how much Sudafed I sucked down it wouldn't quit. So what did I do? I ignored it. And ignored it. And ignored it. In my defense I had a suck-f$%k week last week. I had a friend pass away very suddenly and tragically (that's a post for another day) and another friend's sister-in-law died of melanoma at 32. Two wakes and one funeral...oh and my daughter turned 12 and had 8 giggling, silly, texting, twirling, shrieking girls sleepover. So my drulling, miserable headache wasn't going to take precedence in my already loony life.

Week two. I am now sick to my stomach, unable to move my head up, down, left or right. I slouch around the house with a hot pad on my forehead and a cup of water in my hand. Off I drag myself to the doc....begging for mercy ..... and drugs. Luckily I waited the correct length of time to get the drugs....they are notorious for NOT giving out antibiotics unless you are close to death...which after they took one look at me....decided I was. I'm pretty sure I look like Skeletor.

The funny thing is...if my kid had a headache for 2 weeks I would be in Children's Hospital with the best neurologist in the world administering the CT scan HIMSELF. But noooooooooooooo, not me. I have to suck it up....tough it out....and continue on. Because a mother never, ever, ever stops. Not even for herself. Pffftttt. That's life. As Flossy says "Life is hard...wear a helmet." Or get some penicillin.

Cuppa Joe

There's a reason our country is in the toilet...and that reason is The Keurig Coffee Maker.



Think about this... This single serve, I-got-mine-go-screw-yourself coffee maker serves as an anolgy for all that is wrong with this country.



Worried about your retirement fund? Stop buying expensive k-cups and buy your coffee by the POUND like your grandfather did! Better yet, buy a whole sackload of whole beans on a donkey like Juan Valdez...



Worried about the environment? Stop throwing away bags of NON-RECYLEABLE k-cups and buy coffee in aluminum cans or plastic containers. Both can be recycled!



Your boyfriend won't commit to marriage? NO WONDER! Why should he tie himself to you when he can't even commit to an entire pot of coffee? Sorry babe, I'm just a cup-at-a-time kind of guy.

These Keurig machines should be rounded up and destroyed.

Bring them by my house, would you? I'm out of coffee...

Shut up lady!!!

Today at the gym I encountered a bizzare person. Or obnoxious. Or clueless. Or all of the above.

The story begins with me warming up for my spin class on an elliptical. I try to warm up before I teach the class in order to avoid the dreaded spin headache which can happen when you overexert yourself too quickly. Which... if you have ever taken a spin class....always happens. I almost always would have a Thursday headache. My kids and husband would avoid me like the plague on Thursdays as I slouched around the house with my head hanging.

Anyhoo, so today I am slogging along on the elliptical when the gal next to me pumping away on the treadmill starts to sing....out loud. louder. louder. louder. louder. And EVEN LOUDER.

Here's how it went down:

Thump, thump, thump(treadmill), thump..."i swwweeear I love youuuuuuuuuuuu."
Thump, thump, thump,thump, thump, ..."maaaake it happppppppppen."
Thump, thump, thump, thump...."it donoooon't mattttter none."

Quiet for a few minutes. I relax.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump ....."YEEEESSSSS!!!!! It is TRRRRUUUOOOOOO!!!!!! I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!" (This is complete with fists punching in the air.) Wahhhh! I jumped a friggin mile!

She carried on like this, with intermittent singing and sing/shouting for the entire time!

Lady... WTF????? We don't want to hear you singing and carrying on! Your voice sucks and you sound like a freak! Did you not notice the 35 other people in the room???? Did you not notice the stares and smirks? Yes....they are laughing at you! Keep it to yourself. This isn't American Idol at the gym for gawd's sakes. Shut the F up!

Mothering then........mothering now.

The 1970's mom. Remember her? She was a cool cat, smoked her Virginia Slims or Parliament 100's. She worked or maybe she didn't. She was on the wave of feminism.......and how she was a mother may be a lot different from how you're a mother now. Or.... maybe not....

In the 1970's your mother sent you to the store with a note to get her a pack of smokes. Now, she wouldn't dare smoke around a child and if she does smoke.......she gets her own cigs and smokes in secret.

In the 1970's your mother didn't care how long you were outside or how far away you were....as long as you were home by street light time (which, by the way, in the summer was 8:45PM!) Now, she can call or text her child every 5 minutes and wouldn't dare let them go around the corner or be in the front yard without an adult.

In the 1970's your mother told you to get a tan.......that was your sunblock. Build up a tolerance to the sun. Now she coats her kid every time he/she sticks its nose outside. Including the scalp. (Man, I remember many a burn on my scalp.........and it hurt like heck too!)

In the 1970's your mother didn't exercise or obsessive over how thin or fat she was. She simply didn't care. Now, a mother demands to lose all the baby weight exactly one month after having her baby and starves/exercises herself constantly to unrealistically become the 17 year old she once was.

In the 1970's your mother didn't sit with you every night and do your homework with you. She might ask if you had any....or if it was done...but she sure as hell didn't sharpen your pencil for you and go through each problem one at a time. Now you sit with your child for hours correcting, erasing, prodding, hovering and making sure they don't fail.

In the 1970's your mother would backhand you into next week if you so much as smirked at her. Now mother's say things like "Timmy, it hurts my feelings when you punch me in the stomach" or "Sally, it's just not a good idea to spit in mommy's shoes."

In the 1970's your mother loved you. She cared for you and worried about you. But...she didn't hover over you, take shit from you or do everything for you. God love the 1970's moms!

Meanie

Hey kid!
Yeah........you over there. That's right....come here you little crapper.
Stop teasing my son.
Yes you are bullying him.
You called him a pussy and made fun of his broken hand. And I know you stole the basketball away from him about a thousand times.
Don't try to charm me with your sweet smile and Eddie Haskell ways. I've read your book and I know what chapter you are on. I was a victim once, never again.
Be warned you little twit.......what comes around goes around. And I guarantee you.........it will come around.

I'm jealous and that's it.

A lot of people I know went on vacation this past week. Some went skiing, some went to stay with family, some went to warmer climates. The updates on facebook of those surfing, skiing, reading by the pool, eating out and whatnot made me INSANE. I became a jealous, jealous, jealous person for a week. I wanted to go away, specifically somewhere warm and sunny and fun and full of tropical drinks and I could put my toes in the sand and sit on my fat ass and do nothing. But nooooooooooooooooooooo, there's this stupid ass thing called a RECESSION and my husband, who just happens to have a master's degree in finance aka penny pinching 101 said no way jose. And that's that. I could moan and whine and cry all I wanted....and the answer was not this year. Fu$%*ing recession.

Well just wait until next year bb's....I'll be damned if I am stuck here with dirty snow and 10 degree wind chills. I will save every penny and then some to get the hell out of here. So suck it recession world. Just suck it.

The Almost Moon

Over school vacation I had the pleasure of reading a book in ONE DAY! Don't you just love when you can turn a blind eye to everything and everyone around you and just immerse yourself in a good book? The book was called "Kissing Games of the World" and while it wasn't a life-changing book, it was definitely enjoyable read.

This brings me to the next book, one I happened to pluck off the "New" shelf at my local library. The book was called The Almost Moon by Alice Seibold. This is the same woman who wrote "The Lovely Bones", a book many of my friends fall all over themselves praising, a book which I found only mildly interesting (and overly morbid: girl is raped and murdered and tells the rest of the story from heaven... Lovely, indeed!)

I figured what the heck, this one can't be as morbid as the other one, right? Well, in the first few chapters, the mother of the protagonist, who is crazed out of her mind, shits her pants. The daughter then ROLLS THE MOTHER UP IN A BLANKET! She hauls her mom outside and smothers her to death. After panicking for a few moments, she calls her ex-husband to tell him what she has done, then she washes the shit off her mom, drags her to the cellar and PUTS HER IN THE FREEZER (this is after she dismisses the idea of dismembering her. Sounds like that old B-Movie I Dismember Mama)

At this point I closed the book and returned it to the library, but not before I trashed the first few chapters to anyone who would listen. Should I have stuck it out to the end? Was there really a life lesson to be learned from this book? Even if my mommy shit her pants, I doubt I would turn her into a blanket burrito and smother her with a bunch of towels.

At least I hope I wouldn't.

F*&^in' Mother of the Year!

Most of the time I feel like I'm the worst mother on the planet: The yelling, the screaming, the guilt...and that's just from my end. But today, I actually feel like I'm Mother of The Year. Mother to the Rescue. I ROCK!

My 10 year old son told me several weeks ago that they don't give out classroom valentines in 5th grade. Shortly after, I quizzed another friend of his on this and he agreed. So imagine my surprise last night (THURSDAY before Valentine's Day) when my son wailed that his teacher had passed out paper bags in the event that kids wanted to distribute valentines to each other. Along with a CLASS LIST! Talk about pressure. He went from having zero interest in giving out cards to obsessing over whether he would be the only one not distributing.

This was at dinner time, and I had no intention of going back out for the evening. My husband was on his way home from work but his cell was dead, so there was no way to reach him about stopping to purchase cards at Wal-Mart. My son dejectedly said "Maybe I can make some, everyone knows that homemade valentines are the best."

But it took him the rest of the evening to finish his homework, and by the time that idiotic show "Chowder" was on Cartoon Network, all thoughts of Valentines had vanished.

Fast forward to this morning at 4:30 a.m. Having fallen asleep last night at 9pm, I awoke early and silently crept downstairs in order to catch up on this week's episode of "Lost". Before detouring to the television side of the basement, I decided to hop on the computer and check out any age-appropriate, free printable valentines for my son. No easy task. Many were too girly or lovey for even his female classmates.

Finally I found some generic but pretty printable valentines which could be customized for the girls. Going down the class list, I modified each valentine to include the girl's name and signed each from "Your friend Xander".

The boys would be much tougher. No hearts and flowers here. I happened upon a website that included a template for a valentine for boys. Preprinted with a boyish message, the valentines could be cut and folded to make "whirlygigs". Boys could throw them up in the air and then watch them twirl to earth. Better yet, my son is currently in a paper airplane phase, so he could show them how to fold and throw their valentines.

When my son woke up, he was thrilled to see that there were valentines ready for his class. Yes, it would have been better if HE had done them, yes I saved his ASS, but for one brief shining moment I was the fucking Mother goddess of all moms.

Again...I ROCK!

Job(s)

A friend was asking me the other day if I still sold a health juice called Mona Vie.  This was a semi short-lived venture that I did about a year and half ago.  It was fun, interesting and I met a lot of great people....but it didn't really work out as I had liked.  I was supposed to get instantly rich and make millions, but alas that didn't happen.  But I did start thinking of all the different jobs I've had since I was a kid.  I thought it was an impressive resume.....what do you think?

Lemonade stand(s)- seasonal-we made our own with lemon juice, sugar, water and mint leaves.

Babysitting - back then I made the amazing amount of $3 an hour.  And that was HIGH pay!

Elderly care - shopped, cleaned, did laundry for sweet old people.  Loved this job!

Deli worker - worked in a deli making subs, sandwiches and dishing ice cream.  Hated this job.

Ice Cream worker - made frappes, sundaes, and scooped ice cream - I still have the muscles from this one.

Bakery worker - ice cream shop was also a bakery.  Got to take home cakes and all leftover yummies at end of day.  At one time we had 5 birthday cakes in the fridge.  I also learned to write on cakes...and most of the time I was hungover so the writing always looked like crap.

Library re-shelver - this one I was just lazy and plain bad at.  I would stick the books in "good enough" places.  I loathed those Moody periodicals with all of their weird numbers and shelving them was just a plain nightmare!  Also, this job was torturous when all my friends were at the beach on an 80 degree day and I was shoving books into shelves.  Hated it!

Secretary and Executive Assistant - after my mother made me go to Boot Camp aka Katharine Gibbs College (at the time no one of the female sex was allowed to wear pants.  It was nylons, pumps, and skirts every day.  I also learned to type on a real typewriter and make carbon copies.  Oh and I can take shorthand too!)  I did this job at Boston City Hall, a construction company and for the State of Massachusetts.  I did learn a lot.

Grant Administrator - promoted from secretary to this job.  I was in charge of over a hundred police departments community policing and DARE grants watching how they spent the money.  I got to know every PD in the southern part of Massachusetts.  Best job I ever had.  Loved it and miss it still.

Grant writer - segway from administrator to the other side and I still write grants for a great friend at a local PD.  Love this job!  

Spin instructor - started my love of fitness with spinning.  Became addicted and wanted more.  I still do it....great way to fire off stress and burn 800 calories.  

Business owner - started a local fitness facility with two friends.  Didn't work out...but I became a personal trainer and fitness guru.  Lifetime of learning from this venture.  I got an MBA through the hard knocks of owning your own business.

Mona Vie seller - sold jungle juice Mona Vie.  Great stuff....expensive...but worth it.  Unfortunately, it just didn't grab me and I realized that selling things is not my forte.

Blue Lan Group - Business Development Manager - here I am....last stop for awhile.  Working for my brother's company is awesome.  I work from home, pick my own hours and it's the best company I have ever worked for.  Very laid back, fun and everyone is amazing.  Plus when your boss is your brother....well....you know.  I'm learning more about the IT world and have become amazingly computer literate to boot!  

So that's it folks.  That's my work history from age 8 to 38.  Not bad for 30 years.

And the night comes.....

Why for the grace of god do all little children get sick in the middle of the night? I cannot remember the last time any of my little chicks came down with something during daylight hours. It's always 2, 3 or 4AM you hear the racking cough, the sounds of throwup, or the feverish "mommy.....I need you." Oh, the exhaustion of it all. Sleep deprivation is used as TORTURE in many countries. And let me tell you....no matter what....it's ME that gets up. Yes, I work a mostly full-time job x 2. (That's mommyhood AND a biz dev manager for my bro's company.) Yeah, I gotta get up and shoo the other two out the door to school, tend to the sick one, clean up the mess, answer phone calls and emails, and just do it all! It's never easy. But please, please little ones....next time....could you puke at 4PM next time?

Thanks, love, mama

A word on closets.

I was talking to a friend the other day about when we refinished our basement 8 years ago and made it into a kid's playroom.  I made a big mistake by not putting in a closet at the entry level (this where we all come and go from the house via the garage).  In the summer it's not a big deal...but during the winter,  yikes...it's a tumbled mess of snowpants, mittens, gloves, boots, hats, scarves, sneakers, shoes, puffy winter coats, backpacks and more.   She told me that her house doesn't have a lot of closet space.  This got me thinking....the house I grew up in had very little closet/storage space.  It's 100 years old.  My friend's house is not quite as old...her's built in the 60's or 70's and it does have a reasonable amount of closet space...but according to her...not enough.  My house has lots of closet space...BUT....it was built by a family who had 4 boys.  The woman in that family was clearly thinking of 4 six foot boys/men and all the food, clothes and stuff it takes to house them.  (Thanks previous homeowner!)  

But really though.....why do most older homes have limited closet space?  It's because they didn't need, buy or require huge amounts of stuff (to store either).  You had a limited wardrobe, limited amount of food kept on hand, limited amount of miscellaneous stuff like toys, games, books etc.  You certainly didn't have electronics, dvd's, cd's, and all the stuff that goes with them.  Think about how much STUFF we have acquired in the past 30 years that is "necessary" for general life.  The stuff has to be put somewhere....closets.  New houses....more closets....more stuff.  Interesting...don't ya think?

Happy MLK Day

I had a few moments today, prior to taking my kids to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop to reflect on the life of Martin Luther King and to marvel that tomorrow we will elect our first African-American president. A friend said that she wished people would stop focusing so much on the fact that Barrack Obama is African American, that they should focus more on who he is and the job he will do for our country. I understand where she is coming from. It shouldn't matter whether the president is black or white, Jewish or Protestant, male or female. What matters is their character, their ability to lead and their moral fiber. On the other hand, I think Black Americans are justified in their jubilation.

40 years ago African-Americans took their lives in their hands when taking the bold step to register to vote. Now less than a half century later, an African-American is being sworn in as America's commander-in-chief. If my ancestors had been beaten and kidnapped and brought to this country in chains, bought and sold like pieces of farm equipment, made to feel like second class citizens for nearly four hundred years...Well, I think I'd celebrate too.

Our lives are measured by milestones both personal and public. In addition to my marriage and the birth of my children, I've witnessed the moon landing (as a very young child), the release of the Iranian hostages, the destruction of the Berlin Wall, the release of Nelson Mandela and now the inauguration of an African-American president.

I feel very lucky.

I HATE THE RECESSION

I want to plan a little vacation. Nothing crazy mind you.......no fabulous trips to Turks and Caicos, or Cancun. Just something like a short trip into Boston for a few nights, or even a longer trip to Niagra Falls. Last year we went to DC and had a great time. It was a fun, educational and relaxing trip. I want something like that. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, we can't. Why? Well...... because of the **$#@ economy! Right now, like most people, we live in fear....fear of not having a job, of something major happening to the house or cars, or racking up debt. We live in reality of expensive gas and food bills, of clothing and feeding 3 kids, of whopping heating bills, and little to no extra cash. I work, my husband works....and we try hard to keep things in perspective. But with the cost of everything going through the roof and even the thought of not having a weekly paycheck stops us cold. No vacations, no new clothes, no small trips, no dinners out, no getting nails or toes done, nothing. It's depressing. It sucks. I want this shit to be over. But even I, a non-financial type, can see the vicious circle we are in and it's not ending soon.

Oh and yes, I know it could be much, much, much worse. I do know some friends who do not have jobs right now and what they are going through is mind boggling. Never mind fun money...how about paying the mortgage, car payment or electricity bill??? I count my blessings....and sorry for the whining.

Sex In The Suburbs

Recently I attended a home party, and unlike others I had attended, the items being sold weren't kitchen tools, candles or jewelry. This was one of those "other" parties, the kind that encourages you to "...find your inner goddess..."

Yeah...it was a sex toy party. I went mostly out of curiosity (it was one of the few home parties I had never been to, along with Tastefully Simple, and I can assure you that this party was anything but tasteful OR simple...). I walked into my friend's house bearing an appetizer. All of the food had been placed on the kitchen table because the CENTER ISLAND WAS COVERED IN DILDOS!

Once everyone had arrived and settled in, the consultant gave a very straightforward and knowledgeable pitch about her...uh...items. My impression was that she considered herself something of a sex therapist. Her disclosure about her own sex life prior to becoming a goddess was a little bit TMI (I didn't need to hear that she was "dead down here" as she drew circular motions around her crotch with her hand, like some pornagraphic Vanna White), but she genuinely seemed to want to assist in any way.

One of the most popular items of the evening was something called The Sleeve. Gelatinous, pink and worm-like, our "goddess" assured us that this was something that would drive our husbands wild. This little gem was a multipurpos tool that would enhance the experience of those who preferred to pleasure their husbands orally (show of hands anyone???) and could also be used in a manner which could take the place of...um....uh...your mouth.

Using the item for the second method meant holding it in place at the base of your husbands member and pulling the stretchy other end WAY UP high, simulating the pressure of one's mouth or hands. The women at the party practically stampeded their way into the check out room to purchase this item (a steal at only $25!) and there was much concern and anger when the item ran out of stock and needed to be ordered.

Fast forward several months later. My "goddess" girlfriends were at book club and started comparing notes on The Sleeve. (which, by the way, I did NOT purchase!) One girlfriend mimed the elaborate motion needed to use the item, and complained that she practically tore her rotator cuff yanking it up and down.

Another girl friend said that her husband looked down during use and commented, "There is nothing good about this." There are also friction issues, a hideous sucking/slurping sound which accompanies the sleeve, and the danger of pinching pubic hair in the bargain.

My theory is that this little gem is a bestseller because it's
A) Priced at only $25, a bargain compared to some of the $100+ dildos and
B) Women think that they'll be able to get out of doing something they consider laborious on their husbands, only to be faced with doing something twice as tedious.

So if you find yourself at one of "those" parties, be sure to pass up The Sleeve. You'll thank me.

Kung Fu Panda

Okay, is it me or are the people in China just frickin' stupid???? The third person in two years has been bitten by the Panda at the China Zoo in Beijing! First of all, why is the Panda pit so easily breachable? If Pandas are "...violent when provoked or startled", then why not make an enclosure that drunk or ignorant people can't get into??? The latest brainiac climbed in to retrieve his 5-year old's toy, which had fallen into the pen. Hello??? Skip the toy and take your little one to the GIFT SHOP! I'm sure there are THOUSANDS of toys in there that his kid would love. What's so special about the used, drooled-on toy that is worth an arm, leg or head?

One idiot decided to climb into the enclosure "...to give the Panda a hug". Apparently, because they are so cute and cuddly-looking, these shit-for-brains think its okay to just climb on over the rail and approach the wild animal with open arms. Duh? In my opinion, people this stupid should not be rescued, they should be considered voluntary Purina Panda Chow.

Perhaps this is one of those clever ways that China is trying to control their population. When a good citizen climbs on over the fence and gets eaten by the Panda: BANG! Natural selection.

I'm sure if these people had died they would have been prime candidates for the Darwin Awards.

On the 12th day of vacation my family gave to me....

A headache. Ok, ok........it's not that bad....but really....it's been twelve days we've all been hunkered down here as a family. Of course, we had a few holidays to break up the monotony....Christmas and New Years. One would think that after all the stuff the kids got at Christmas (short list...not all included....Wii system with Rock Band, kayak, camera, personal DVD player, legos up the wazoo, books) that they would be busy. Add to it some serious snow pack for sledding and general snow craziness and they should be well entertained. Think again.



Mom....I'm bored. Mooooooooooom, there is nothing to do. Mom...can I have a friend over...meet a friend at the movies, have a sleepover, go to the mall, spend some of my or your money, go to the lego store, use my kayak (sorry dude, it's 10 degrees outside) etc. etc. etc. Or how about this..."boys stop wrestling right this second!.....boys GET OUTSIDE right now! Can you ever keep your hands to yourself???? Stop beating your brother with that snowtube, using him as a speedbump, or as a punching bag!"



This has been a looooooooooooooooong vacation. The longest I can ever remember in their school history. Just because I want to be that super fun mom, and bring our family even closer as a cohesive unit (crap I read in a book) we've done some fun stuff, rented movies, went to the movies, had lots of friends over, gone bowling, gone out to eat. Pause....I'm have a reflective moment here..........

Hmmmmmmm....wait, when I was a kid (yep, here I go...) I did NOTHING on vacations and my parents did NOTHING with us. You played with your presents (and let me tell you...there was no friggin Wii back then), watched a little black and white TV with all of three channels, and went sledding on those crappy metal/wood sleds. No movies and sleepovers. I know I sound like an old fart...and well, I am one. But I can tell you this......it's time for everyone to go back to school....back to work and for me to get back to....well....ME!