Patriots Fan Gets Helmet Tattooed On Head

One short step from Fan to Fanatic!

My sister came to visit recently and one of her passions is cross stitch. Some people like Soduku, some like to knit, Jen likes cross stitch. Not just like though. She is PASSIONATE about it. She orders patterns and obscure magazines from other countries. She bought an incredible amount of discount embroidery floss when several Wal-Marts sold off their craft departments. During her visit, I jokingly asked her when she can possibly complete the multitude of patterns she's accumulated. Her reply, "Oh, I'll never get around to all of them. That's S.A.B.L.E."

Huh?

S.A.B.L.E. is the abbreviation amongst her friends on the cross stitch message boards for Stash Acquired Beyond Life Expectancy! Basically, you've bought more patterns and embroidery floss than you could ever hope to finish in your lifetime!

That got me thinking about things I've acquired that I'll never get around to before I die. I'm almost 45, but could I possibly have bought more books than I'll ever read? Will I every get around to scrapbooking ANY of the photos of my family? But I digress.

When I told a friend the story of S.A.B.L.E. she looked at me askance and said "There are cross stitch MESSAGE boards???" You could practically see the thought bubble over her head that said "FREAKS!" Now why is that so odd? I belong to not one but THREE Pampered Chef message boards! There are message boards for every television program, sports, fashion, celebrities, the list is ENDLESS. There are message boards devoted entirely to Britney Spears and why she won't wear underwear in public (and you can BET SHE doesn't wear underwear to BED!!!)

Why not a message board for people who love to stitch? They're harmless! Some of the creations my sister has made are incredible! If it brings her peace and pleasure, who am I or anyone else to judge? Remember my resolution: LESS JUDGEMENTAL, MORE TOLERANT!

So leave the stitchers alone, dammit! If you want to target someone whose taken that LEAP from fan to FANATIC, check out this guy in the video above! Okay, I'm sorry but in this instance it's impossible for me to be MORE TOLERANT. This guy is a FREAK! Oh and GO PATRIOTS!

Mommy Sabbatical

I am on a mommy sabbatical.  This is the first time in 11 years that all three of my cherubs are in school all day long.  That means from 8:30AM to apprx. 2:30PM I am alone.  Alone. Alone. Alone.  (Well, Henry the cat is with me...but he asks so little for himself.)  

First I must tell you that I had three children in four years.  That means when my youngest was born, my oldest turned four three months later.  Sure, lots of insane people embark on the same journey of motherhood....meaning....bing, bang, boom....let's roll these shorties out!  I know that I am not alone in this area....and I speak for you too!    So, as you can see, I was very busy.  Diapers, snot noses, naps, three meals a day prepared by ME, snacks, cleaning up of odds and ends deposited throughout the house (use your imagination), laundry, bath times,  endless episodes of Barney, Dragon Tales and the like.  They were some tough years.  Sure, I enjoyed it....I'm not a MONSTER for god's sakes.  But lets call a spade a spade.  It was HARD.  I never had one single moment to myself.  Including, ahem, bathroom duties, not limited to the occasional shower or potty moment.  

I can distinctly remember my husband battle assing home from work through heavy traffic, he barely had his computer bag down and I was out the door.  It didn't matter where I went.  Sometimes I would sit in CVS parking lot and peruse People Magazine....just for the peace of it. For an hour or so nobody needed me.  I didn't need to wipe any butts, pick up any toys, scrub down the highchair for the umpteenth time, or break up any sibling fisticuffs.  

So here I am 11 years later.  All three can wipe their own butts (more or less), they can take their own showers, make and clean up their own food (usually with some, er, gentle persuasion), and they can entertain themselves.  All of those hard days have equaled into this....three delightful, energetic, funny, sweet and semi - independent adolescents.  

That said....I now have on average four whole days a week to do as I like!!!  (take into account... the endless Monday holidays, the 1/2 day Tuesdays, and the sick kid home from school days).  Sure, I could get a job.  (although as you all know I do work part-time training people in my home and teaching my once a week spin class!  So, I do do something.  Not much, but something!).  I mean a FULL time job.  Nope, not this year......I am on a mommy sabbatical.  It's time for me to regain my focus on ME.  BK (before kids) I used to read lots of books, go to the movies, have lunch, go for long walks, visit the library, get pedicures and so on and so on.  This year...that's what I'm gonna do.  Call me selfish, call me spoiled, call me a twerp.  Whatever.  I don't care.  I truly believe you have to take care of yourself before you can take of everyone else!  For years it was the everyone else....now it's me.    It's a revolution!!!

Under Where???

Fitfreak and I got into a cerebral discussion yesterday as we were driving together (our phone conversations and e-mail exchanges are NOTHING compared to the shit that flies when we're face to face!) Somehow the subject turned to...Undershirts. Her kids wear them, my kids don't.

Now, I don't know why my kids don't wear undershirts. My mother made me wear them when I was a kid. Fitfreak's kids wear them. I guess once my kids outgrew onsies, my attitude was, "Cool! Less stuff to wash, one less item of clothing that I have to SCREAM at them to put on!" It was just a short jaunt from this information to the fact that my kids don't wear underwear to bed and neither do I.

Fitfreak...uh...FREAKED!

Now when I was a kid, we never wore underwear to bed. I remember asking my mom about it and though I forget what her answer was, I'm sure she too didn't want to be washing a whole extra load of panties each week (Apologies to the McCormack girls, my friends can't STAND the word panties...but that's for another post!)

Personally, I don't see the need for underwear to bed, unless of course I'm just wearing a t-shirt. God knows I'm not going to just let my hairy hoo-hah hang out for the world to see. That would just entice my husband and frighten my childen! (Entice and frighten...sounds like a variation on Shock and Awe!)

My kids are clean when they go to bed. They shower. They put on clean pajamas. Obviously they are not going to put on their dirty underwear after the shower. So what, another clean pair of underwear? And after sweating all night in their beds, they are going to get up and put YET ANOTHER CLEAN PAIR OF UNDERWEAR ON before getting DRESSED???? THAT'S THREE PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR PER KID PER 24 hour period! No way!

I looked up the word "underwear" on dictionary.com and four out of the five definitions describe it as a layer of clothing worn under THE OUTER CLOTHES! Outer clothes have things like zippers and snaps and buttons that can do DAMAGE to a person's most intimate areas! In that case WE NEED THE UNDERWEAR!

I don't think of my pajamas as outer clothes. They are for inside use only! Period! And speaking of period, the only time I wear underwear to bed is the time of the month when I need added protection (try sticking a mattress sized maxi pad to the inside of your pajama bottoms, it doesn't work!)

If my kids have "pajama day" at school will they wear underwear? Absolutely. At that point their pajamas have become OUTER CLOTHES. They are wearing them OUTSIDE of the house! Plus they have to be safe in case some asshole kid decides to pull their pajama pants down. (You know who you are!)

Where does Mr. Flossy stand on this issue? Well, Mr. Flossy sleeps naked all year round and if the laws were different and we lived in an area where the temperature was a constant 78 degrees, he would forgo clothes all together ALL DAY LONG! (Entice and Frighten!)

Now you know way more about me than you did before (and probably care to!) Cast your vote on our latest poll to tell us where you stand on this issue. I'm sure I'm in the minority but that's my story and I'm stickin' to it (better that than stickin' to the underwear! Ew!)

You've come a long long long way baby!

Top 10 Indications that I am getting old:

10) Popping knees and cracking ankles.
9) People kissing in movies makes me squirm.
8) The television really IS too loud!
7) The people on those ads for affordable life insurance don't seem THAT much older than me.
6) "Sweatin' to the Oldies" seems like a much better option than "Yoga Booty Ballet."
5) A nice cup of coffee after dinner would really hit the spot!
4) My collection of dollar-store reading glasses.
3) The hundred-year-old woman at the deli counter is the ONLY one who still calls me "miss".
2) Oy, my achin' back!

and the number one indication that I am getting old:

1) My days of the week pill container!

Cabin Fever?

Today I made a pilgrimage to my favorite store....or should I say ONE of my favorite stores..... the bastion of all home decor big and small......HomeGoods.  It's this time of year that I start looking around my casa and getting sick of the same old pictures, knick knacks, throw pillows and cozy blankets.   It's like I have this uncontrollable urge to buy something fresh.... new.... different to zazz up my Haus Frau existence.  Is it necessary?  No, of course not!  I should be shopped out with the hurrah of the holidays still nipping at my heels.  But I can't help it!  When it's warm out I don't seem to have this issue.  I suppose I am too busy planting flowers, going to the beach, being with my shorties, and just enjoying being OUTSIDE.  But when you are stuck inside day after day, looking at the same four walls, you get just plumb tired of the same view!

I think I inherited this winter house re-do from my mother.  She was constantly changing the decor in my childhood home.  Even now, when I go for a visit, inevitably there are new throw pillows on the couch, a new chair, a new vase.....something!

My husband cannot understand this need, this urge, this want.  He thinks it's a waste.  He thinks the house is fine the way it is.  Maybe it is.  (I must tell you, he is not one to notice changes in the decor around here.  Are there any men who do???)  Can't he see that I need to have some sort of hobby!!!  I mean I can only exercise so much.  I don't want to look like Tara Reid for god's sake!  So to end this tale of shopping bliss, I purchased a lovely new framed print for my family room.  It was only $25.  A bargain!  We'll see how long it takes for the man to notice it.  My guess is summer 2009!

Say what?

I figured communication problems with my son wouldn't come until the teenage years. I've heard about the grunts and snorts that replace true language skills once boys hit pubescence. But last night, my 4th grader and I had a conversation (one sided, all HIM) that left me stumped and a little scared. As he snuggled up against me in his fuzzy pajamas, he said, "Mom, can I tell you something?" "Sure!" I replied, thinking he was going to share some nugget about his school day.

"Well, did you know that the Toa Metru left Metru Nui with six of the Matoran spheres? Along the way they ran into the monstrous sea Rahi and powerful Krahli under the command of an Onu-Matoran named Mavrah."

My side of this conversation: "Duh????"

My son has become well versed in Bionicle-speak. Familiar with Bionicles? They are strange creatures brought to you by your friends at LEGO. They look like a cross between those cheesy animated skeletons from the old Jason and the Argonauts movie and that hideous Predator from the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie of the same name (My favorite line from that movie is when the predator removes his protective mask revealing a face only a mommy predator could love. Arnold replies "You're one ugly motherf*cker!" You ROCK Arnold!)

But I digress. The Bionicles prove that the happy go lucky folks at LEGO have been taking too many business trips to Amsterdam. These creatures could only have been conceived in a hash-fueled haze ("Sven, pass the brownies, I'm having an epiphany about the Keelerak!"

Prior to this Christmas my 4th grader had about 6 or 7 of these creatures. He would put them together, then complain when his younger brother pulled them apart and reassembled the parts into different creatures (And they STILL LOOKED THE SAME TO ME!)

Then I made the mistake of asking my mother-in-law to purchase a BIONICLE ENCYLOPEDIA for him for Christmas.
I figured why not combine his love of Bionicles with his love of reading!

So now, as we cuddle before bedtime, my head is spinning with information about Metro Noo-Noos or whatever they are (Hee Hee! Metro Noo Noo...Sounds like slang for urban vagina!)

Thank God my younger son and I can still bond over good old GI Joe kicking the shit out of his nemesis Cobra!

Further thoughts.....

I kept thinking the Bear was going to screw the deer....really, the whole time I am expecting a huge giant bear penis was going to pop out at any time.  Furries.....WTF???  WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?  Where do they live?  Do they practice beastiality?  I want to know!  Flossy, we must investigate!  I call for another poll!!   Do any of our fellow Haus Fraus know of a Furry?  Are they Furries, practicing in secrecy?

Dear god, the things you find out on the internet.  I am starting to think life was a whole lot simpler before the damn computer age. 

Orangina Naturally Juicy Comercial

Okay, Fitfreak and I came across this video the other day. Check it out and let us know what you think! Personally, I first thought, "What a weird way to sell Orangina"! I kept expecting the bear to eat the deer! Then I saw all these postings on the You Tube sight from Furries. Never heard of those?

One definition from the Urban Dictionary is this: A subgroup of science fiction and fantasy fans who focus on cartoon animals, anthropomorphic animals, or human-animal hybrids.

Another definition: The less-formal term for anthropomorphic animals, which are usually cartoon characters. Furries are animals given human characteristics, like the talking moose in Brother Bear. Fans of furry characters are also called furries.

And then there's this one: Retards who dress up as animals and fuck each other. They are obsessed with anthro art and being an animal. Death to them and all of their vermin.

Obviously that last definition was added to the Urban Dictionary by someone who did NOT adopt the LESS judgemental MORE tolerant attitude that I did!

I don't care who does what to whom in what type of FURRY costume, as long as it's not someone comin' after MY kid in a THEME PARK!

Check out the video and see what you think. I'll never think of Orangina the same way again!

Snow! Snow! Snow!

Of course my kids are THRILLED that we have a snow day. Any time they can wake me up when I don't really NEED to get up is a great day for them. They did the happy dance at 10pm last night when we saw our town listed on the closed schools roster. So then did they sleep 'till 9???? NOOOOOOOO!

I was also hoping that the hubster would stay home, given that he worked all day Saturday, but 'twas not to be. The slave ship he works for needs every able body to pull those oars (remember that scene in Ben Hur? "RAMMING SPEED!" BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!)

So I am home with the kiddies. Right now they've spilled every little piece of GI Joe and Legos all over the playroom floor. Then they want to go out and build a snowman and have me CHAINSAW HIS BODY PARTS OFF! Nice huh? I said no to the chainsaw but agreed to plant some firecrackers on his head. Ya gotta draw the line somewhere!

Let us know how you feel about snow days, scroll down to the bottom of our blog and cast your vote!

Around Town

Things that irk me as I drive around town.....

-Christmas decorations still up.  It's January 14th for goodness sake!  Christmas is OVER.  And don't give me that crap about it being too cold to take them down....it's been over 50 degrees for a week.

-Oak leaves still on the trees.  They are brown, dried up and depressing looking.  Plus they make a rattling sound when the wind blows.  I don't like it.

-Broken mailboxes.  Fix them!  How much time does it take!  You can do it while you are taking down the Christmas decorations.  

-Dirty, brown snow piles.  Yuck.  

-Trash in the dirty, brown piles of snow.  Trash on the sides of the streets.  Do you remember that Indian, circa 1978 public service message, who cried a top a hill when he saw his beautiful countryside marred with tons of trash?  What ever happened to him and his message?  I think we need a new Indian....er, Native American (by the way, supposedly that guy was actually Puerto Rican, and not an Indian...but whatever) to spread the same message to the youth of America.........pick up your crap you little pigs!  Jeez!

  

-Plastic trash bags stuck way up high in trees.  See above.

-Pot holes.  They hurt my car and they hurt me.

-Trucks with snowplows who hog the road.  Move your fat ass snowplow over.  I gotta right to drive here too!

-People who walk or bike on busy road ways and don't move over to the shoulder.  Now I walk, run and bike on busy road ways, and I move my butt over to the side of the road when I see a car speeding toward me.  I move it pretty quick too!   I'm too old to play chicken.      

Okay, I feel better now.  Have a great day!