Gazing Balls

Now don't get all dirty minded on me after reading the title on this one.  I don't mean gazing at balls....I mean Gazing Balls.  What exactly are lawn gazing balls intended for?  Seeing a huge colored globe perched atop a stand in the middle of the lawn is a tad weird.  What is the purpose of the globe?  What does it reflect?  When one walks up to the ball is your image completely distorted like a funhouse mirror?  I've seen my image in a funhouse mirror, and, well, it's not pretty.  Think bulbous eyes and nostrils the size of garbage can lids.  Is it a medium to which the ball gazing homeowners are in contact with alien life from another ball gazing planet?

Or is the purpose more practical, less celestial....like to keep small animals away from your lawn.....or to reflect the image of nature?  But really, why do you need to see a tree, a squirrel, the sun, or the sky in purple, pink and green?  It seems sort of trippy...don't ya think?  

Flossy and I happened to notice a house in our "walking block area" that has not one, not two, but THREE gazing balls!  THREE!  Good grief!!!   I mean.... I can see one or two lawn ornaments.... even mix it up with say, a cement bunny, or a kitty flag, but THREE GAZING BALLS?  Now that's just plain crazy.  Or tacky.  Or weird.  Take your pick.

Old fashioned mommy......

I feel like I am a throw back to a previous generation.  An old fashioned mommy.  You know that mommy, the kind where with a death stare you were frozen in mid-air of smacking your brother, or shoving the candy into your pocket, or running through a store.  My mother could stop me cold by one look  and it was freakin SCARY.  If I should test my limits just a tad, the look would be followed by the squeezed arm grip/her face two inches from your face teeth clenched "just wait until we get home" mommy whisper.  For sure then I knew I was in deep kaka.  So, in general I behaved.  My five siblings did too.  There was NO margin for error.  

Which leads me to my point.   My kids all are respectful, decent and more or less kind little people.  They behave well in restaurants, supermarkets, church and school.  It's taken me YEARS to get to this point where I feel completely comfortable taking my kids to any event or place, adult or kiddie oriented.  I do not tolerate infantile, imbecile, arrogant or obnoxious behavior.  If they start acting up, they get the LOOK.  Followed by the death grip/when we get home whisper.  Followed by immediate removal.  Not too hard, right?  (Oh, and by the way, no, I am not perfect and neither are they.   Transgressions do occur from time to time.  I mean c'mon, they are children for pete's sake! )  It's a child's job to act like a twerp now and again, and it's our job to say cut the crap.  So what the heck has happened to my co-horts in parenting?  These are examples of ill behaved children that I have witnessed with my own two brown eyes:

1.  child in church rolling around on floor, kicking pews, smacking mother, shouting GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE over and over, rolling car up and down pew, rolling car up and down dad's head, face, neck, and arms, farting, snorting.  Mom does nada.  Pats kid on back and says "stop that" about 58 times.  child continues to RULE.

2.  child shows up to religious education classes with Ipod buds in his ears and playing full blast.  child also answers cell phone calls in class. mother just sent kid into class and is down the hall, so she is FULLY aware that child has Ipod and phone.

3.  young man hacks up lungee and spits it 5 feet in front of me.  yes, he did see me before he spit.  this was at a public place, a huge suburban mall with many, many people milling around.  

4.  child reports to my child that her mother (me) is a "bitch."  Can you imagine calling a classmate's mother a bitch when you were in 5th grade?  The audacity!!!  I was absolutely bowled over.

I mean WTF?  Get some control people!  You are creating your own personal hellions!  Of course every generation says that the current youth of America are the "most disrespectful, self centered, obnoxious people EVER."  I guess that's getting older.  But in all seriousness, have you noticed that parents seem to be on autopilot these days?  You had these kids for a reason.  They cannot raise themselves.  They are not puppies.   Teach them to be a part of society....  Respect adults, learn to be quiet when others are talking, don't interrupt, don't behave as if every place is a jungle gym, leave your electronics at home, etc.  Sure it's gonna take some effort...you're going to have to rip your kid out of a fun time screaming/wailing, you're going to have to be mean and nasty sometimes, you're going to have to raise your voice or give the look, you're going to have to be the boss and not their friend.  It's OK....they will hate you now, but love you later.  

Final note.....Practice the look.....believe me, it works.

Fly the Friendly Skies

First the good news: I am going to LONDON tomorrow.
Now the bad: I HAVE TO FLY TO GET THERE!

One of my best friends of all time has been living in London for the last two years. After countless requests to come visit (and my excuses of no time, no money, no one to watch the kids...) I finally decided that life's too short so I booked a flight and I leave tomorrow. Mr. Flossy will take just a couple of days off from work, he and our boys will enjoy wonderful family bonding and I will get a much needed break from mommy-hood to spend with my freewheeling single BFF.

First there is my luggage. Right now it is filled with reduced-fat microwave popcorn, Quaker Instant Oatmeal, Extra Strength Excedrin and Static Guard. Apparently the UK is about twenty years behind on many of these modern conveniences and my American-born friend needs them. According to my friend, they have JUST GOTTEN REAL ZIPLOC BAGS! Though of course, there is only ONE store that carries them! I can't wait to see the expression on the face of the security guard who watches my luggage go through the scanner. I'm a little concerned about the Static Guard, since aerosols are not exactly smiled upon even in checked bags. See I went to this website, www.airsafe.com to see what I can and CAN'T take both in my checked bag and my carry on. Here's what I learned:

Billy clubs, black jacks, brass knuckles, stunguns and throwing stars are NOT allowed in carry-on but you CAN check them.
Ditto for ice picks, meat cleavers, sabers, cattle prods and spearguns.

Of course explosives of any kind are not allowed, but neither are realistic replicas of explosives. That mean's I'll have to leave that large black ball with the flaming fuse and the word ACME printed on it at home.

Surprisingly, infectious materials like lab specimens, viral organisms and bacterial cultures are not allowed in either carry on OR checked baggage. So I guess that means I can't bring that ebola sample I've been keeping in the back of the fridge.

Now everyone who knows me knows that I HATE to fly! When I told Mr. Flossy about how I especially hate flying over water at night, he laughed and said, "Hey, if something happens to the plane, it doesn't matter whether its day or night, over water or the ground.".

Thanks!

While checking out this airsafe website, I noticed a link that said Fear of Flying. I clicked on it, hoping to get some helpful tips on how to chill out. There were several books recommended, a few CDs to consider, some helpful suggestions, and a highlighted link titled A Note on Turbulence.

I clicked the link since I grow rigid at the least little bump, thinking there would be a reassuring tidbit about how turbulence is no big deal. Here's what it said: Turbulence is a common occurrence on many airline flights and the presence of turbulence may make a passenger nervous or uncomfortable. The following links provide background information on turbulence and turbulence-related events. The next link was labeled: SELECTED FATAL TURBULENCE EVENTS!!!

Click the link and you can see the top 10 most recent instances of passengers who DIED FROM TURBULENCE!!!

This prompted a call to my primary care physician for a prescription that would knock me out for the duration of the flight.

Then there was the question of what to wear? My flight departs at 7:45 P.M., arrives in London at 7:00 A.M. Since I want to be able to go go go when I get to London, I'm hoping to sleep a little on the flight. A friend and I went shopping the other night and picked out a comfortable but not too tacky grey velour sweatsuit. I figured I could wear it with my fur vest, some subtle jewelry and some cute metallic toned casual sneakers. When I mentioned this to my London friend, she went BALLISTIC!

"YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT", she screamed at me across the Atlantic via AT&T. "YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A TACKY AMERICAN TOURIST WHO HAS NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY!"

Um, lets see. I am a middle aged soccer mom who drives a MINIVAN, sells PAMPERED CHEF, coaches LEGO ROBOTICS and is about 40 lbs overweight. Ain't no outfit gonna change THAT! And you know what? I AM an American who hardly ever leaves the country (if you don't count Canada or the semester abroad I did more than 20 years ago!) I told her I was going to swap my grey sweatsuit in for a RED WHITE AND BLUE ONE, ADD A FANNY PACK AND A PAIR OF SNEAKERS. JUST FOR FUN I'LL ADD A PAIR OF READING GLASSES ON A BEJEWELED CHAIN AROUND MY NECK! AND A COWBOY HAT!

Those Brits are gonna LOVE me!

I may not be able to blog until I return, but if there's anything worth passing along, I'll send it via Mr. Flossy (who's AKA Mr. Mom this weekend!)

Cheerio!