Sex In The Suburbs

Recently I attended a home party, and unlike others I had attended, the items being sold weren't kitchen tools, candles or jewelry. This was one of those "other" parties, the kind that encourages you to "...find your inner goddess..."

Yeah...it was a sex toy party. I went mostly out of curiosity (it was one of the few home parties I had never been to, along with Tastefully Simple, and I can assure you that this party was anything but tasteful OR simple...). I walked into my friend's house bearing an appetizer. All of the food had been placed on the kitchen table because the CENTER ISLAND WAS COVERED IN DILDOS!

Once everyone had arrived and settled in, the consultant gave a very straightforward and knowledgeable pitch about her...uh...items. My impression was that she considered herself something of a sex therapist. Her disclosure about her own sex life prior to becoming a goddess was a little bit TMI (I didn't need to hear that she was "dead down here" as she drew circular motions around her crotch with her hand, like some pornagraphic Vanna White), but she genuinely seemed to want to assist in any way.

One of the most popular items of the evening was something called The Sleeve. Gelatinous, pink and worm-like, our "goddess" assured us that this was something that would drive our husbands wild. This little gem was a multipurpos tool that would enhance the experience of those who preferred to pleasure their husbands orally (show of hands anyone???) and could also be used in a manner which could take the place of...um....uh...your mouth.

Using the item for the second method meant holding it in place at the base of your husbands member and pulling the stretchy other end WAY UP high, simulating the pressure of one's mouth or hands. The women at the party practically stampeded their way into the check out room to purchase this item (a steal at only $25!) and there was much concern and anger when the item ran out of stock and needed to be ordered.

Fast forward several months later. My "goddess" girlfriends were at book club and started comparing notes on The Sleeve. (which, by the way, I did NOT purchase!) One girlfriend mimed the elaborate motion needed to use the item, and complained that she practically tore her rotator cuff yanking it up and down.

Another girl friend said that her husband looked down during use and commented, "There is nothing good about this." There are also friction issues, a hideous sucking/slurping sound which accompanies the sleeve, and the danger of pinching pubic hair in the bargain.

My theory is that this little gem is a bestseller because it's
A) Priced at only $25, a bargain compared to some of the $100+ dildos and
B) Women think that they'll be able to get out of doing something they consider laborious on their husbands, only to be faced with doing something twice as tedious.

So if you find yourself at one of "those" parties, be sure to pass up The Sleeve. You'll thank me.

Kung Fu Panda

Okay, is it me or are the people in China just frickin' stupid???? The third person in two years has been bitten by the Panda at the China Zoo in Beijing! First of all, why is the Panda pit so easily breachable? If Pandas are "...violent when provoked or startled", then why not make an enclosure that drunk or ignorant people can't get into??? The latest brainiac climbed in to retrieve his 5-year old's toy, which had fallen into the pen. Hello??? Skip the toy and take your little one to the GIFT SHOP! I'm sure there are THOUSANDS of toys in there that his kid would love. What's so special about the used, drooled-on toy that is worth an arm, leg or head?

One idiot decided to climb into the enclosure "...to give the Panda a hug". Apparently, because they are so cute and cuddly-looking, these shit-for-brains think its okay to just climb on over the rail and approach the wild animal with open arms. Duh? In my opinion, people this stupid should not be rescued, they should be considered voluntary Purina Panda Chow.

Perhaps this is one of those clever ways that China is trying to control their population. When a good citizen climbs on over the fence and gets eaten by the Panda: BANG! Natural selection.

I'm sure if these people had died they would have been prime candidates for the Darwin Awards.

On the 12th day of vacation my family gave to me....

A headache. Ok, ok........it's not that bad....but really....it's been twelve days we've all been hunkered down here as a family. Of course, we had a few holidays to break up the monotony....Christmas and New Years. One would think that after all the stuff the kids got at Christmas (short list...not all included....Wii system with Rock Band, kayak, camera, personal DVD player, legos up the wazoo, books) that they would be busy. Add to it some serious snow pack for sledding and general snow craziness and they should be well entertained. Think again.



Mom....I'm bored. Mooooooooooom, there is nothing to do. Mom...can I have a friend over...meet a friend at the movies, have a sleepover, go to the mall, spend some of my or your money, go to the lego store, use my kayak (sorry dude, it's 10 degrees outside) etc. etc. etc. Or how about this..."boys stop wrestling right this second!.....boys GET OUTSIDE right now! Can you ever keep your hands to yourself???? Stop beating your brother with that snowtube, using him as a speedbump, or as a punching bag!"



This has been a looooooooooooooooong vacation. The longest I can ever remember in their school history. Just because I want to be that super fun mom, and bring our family even closer as a cohesive unit (crap I read in a book) we've done some fun stuff, rented movies, went to the movies, had lots of friends over, gone bowling, gone out to eat. Pause....I'm have a reflective moment here..........

Hmmmmmmm....wait, when I was a kid (yep, here I go...) I did NOTHING on vacations and my parents did NOTHING with us. You played with your presents (and let me tell you...there was no friggin Wii back then), watched a little black and white TV with all of three channels, and went sledding on those crappy metal/wood sleds. No movies and sleepovers. I know I sound like an old fart...and well, I am one. But I can tell you this......it's time for everyone to go back to school....back to work and for me to get back to....well....ME!