Not In So Many Words...

You readers have been so supportive and compassionate these past two months. You have read my confessions and encouraged my efforts with your comments. I feel it is only fair that I reveal to you the true nature of my past.

Although I have told everyone that I was born and raised in NJ, the REAL truth is that I was born in a subterranean village several miles beneath the earth's crust. The residents of these villages, the Magmites, hide from "topside" citizens, too ashamed of their grotesque features (which look like a cross between shrunken heads and the melting Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark). Upon my birth, I was branded a "freak" because of my human, "topside"-like features. (Think Marilyn amongst the Munsters). When I was old enough to fend for myself, my Magmite family forced me into a sack, dragged me miles to the earth's surface and thrust me out into what I have come to think of as my "adopted-world". Though I was raised by the good natured Anderson Family, I have never forgotten my true family still toiling miles beneath the surface. I am and always will be a Magmite at heart.

What? You don't believe me?

Apparently, it's all the rage now to re-invent your past in order to score a few bucks for a book deal. Just ask anyone who read James Frey's book, A Million Little Pieces. Who wouldn't believe that a wreck of a man recovering from addicition would have a root canal without the benefit of novocaine, would rip his own toenail off just for fun, would spit in the face of an established 12-step program so that he could pull himself out of the hell that was his life in HIS OWN WAY?????

Yeah, right. Frey's response when the REAL truth came out was that his "coping mechanism" was to think of himself as meaner and badder than he really was. When asked if he did this because it was how he wanted to see himself or because he knew it would sell more books he replied, "Probably both".

Today on Yahoo there is yet ANOTHER story of a woman who wrote a memoir about her life during the Holocaust. Supposedly, her Jewish parents were killed by the Nazis, so as a 4-year old she went to live with WOLVES???

According to Yahoo, this now 71-year old woman did NOT live with a pack of wolves to escape the Nazis, did NOT trek 1900 miles across Europe in search of her deported parents, did NOT kill a German solider in self-defense, and WASN'T EVEN JEWISH!!! (click the link top left for more information!)

Yet the best-seller she wrote more than 10 years ago states all of those "facts" and has been translated into 18 languages. The French have even made it into a feature film (but then again, that's the French for you. Those crazy f*ckers think Jerry Lewis is a GENIUS!)

Here's my favorite part of the author's statement: "This story is mine. It is not actually reality, but MY reality, my way of surviving."

I think its time to expunge the genre of memoir from publishing, since apparently anyone can claim anything about their life and it will be published as fact.

In the meantime, look for my new book coming to a Borders near you: "Down & Dirty: My Life with the Magmites"