Signs of the Times

If there's one thing I cannot stand, it's cutsey spellings on signs. As I drive through town, they jump out at me like a suicidal squirrel. Some make sense, others not so much. Here goes:

Our gas station called The Town Pump. Pretty apt, though I can't help thinking it references the town slut.

Pottery Playce: Okay, I guess the "y" was added to make you think you can actually PLAY there, but if you've ever taken a child into a location where the shelves are filled with BREAKABLE POTTERY, you'd think twice about adding the "Y".

Primitive Thymes: This was a store owned by a friend, and the spelling used to drive me crazy. Was it referencing some ancient herb that had been discovered (hey Professor, look here, we just unearthed a 3 thousand year old SPICE RACK!!)

Artvarks: This is a new location where parents can bring their kids to do art projects. What the hell do aardvarks have to do with gluing macaroni to the lid of a jewelry box?

Feat of Clay: Another pottery place (not PLAYCE!) but I actually think this is kind of clever.

Hafta Havit and Hafta Havit 2 (couldn't they have just gone with Hafta Havit and named their other location Gotta Getit? )

Any store that adds an "e" to the end of its name in the vain attempt to make it sound old (Ye Olde Candle Shoppe! Ick!)

Kozy Korner: WHY WHY WHY??? THEY BOTH BEGIN WITH 'C', WHY????????

Then there's the sloppy misspellings, which are bad enough on a changeable marquee, but when a permanent sign is crafted that says "Seasonel Pool and Patio" there's JUST NO EXCUSE! (a nitpicker like me must have called them, because a few weeks later there was a new permanent sign that said "Seasonal Pool and Patio"... Ahh, that's better!)

And then there is the most heinous one of all:

FOR THA WIDDLE ONES!

ARRGGGHHH!! That always made me want to smash the owner with a ball peen hammer! A store for handpainted children's furniture, I am happy to say it finally closed (thank GOD because it was located right next to my kids TaeKwonDo studio and that would have just been TOO MUCH for me to bear three times a week!) I can see "Widdle" (though it sounds like a pedophiliac Elmer Fudd is running the joint) but why change The to Tha????? And if you're going to do that, why not go whole hog and change Ones to Onze!

Glad I got that off my chest. If there are any signs you notice that might irritate me further, please feel free to post! In the meantime, take a run by Salon Sarode and check out their R-rated marquee which changes weekly. It's always spelled correctly and its ALWAYS funny!