There Will Be Blood

WARNING! Those of you who are squeamish at all should NOT READ THIS POST! If you continue on, please do not complain, because I WARNED YOU!

There...that being said...

I'm BLEEDING like a STUCK PIG!

Who here can remember back to their first period? Was it like the ads for maxi pads? You nervously approached your mom and shyly murmured that at last you had finally "got it." Was she thrilled? Did she marvel that her little girl was finally a woman? Did you hug and did everything go all soft-focusey???

Mine was more like that scene from Carrie, where she's FREAKING OUT because she thinks she's bleeding to death. Sure, I had read "Are You There God, It's Me Margaret." and of course "Growing Up And Liking It" (our handy little 6th grade pamphlet sponsored by Kotex or Stay-Free or God knows who!) I expected that there would be cramps, maybe a little nausea, a light flow of blood and a warm hug. What I didn't expect was the Red Sea flowing between my legs complete with Oh-My-God-ARE-THOSE-CLOTS?!?!

Okay, I did warn you!

Apparently, I had inherited my Danish grandmother's HUGE feet and severe menstrual periods. Oh, and her heavy bone structure, thanks! After a YEAR of suffering each month, countless trips to the nurse's office, becoming a pariah of the slumber party set, my mother finally hauled me off to the gynecologist who promptly put me on the pill. Hooray, problem solved!

Since I was only off the pill just long enough to get pregnant, my monthly period never returned to the nightmare of my teenage years... UNTIL NOW!

Now, I guess I had forgotten just how bad it was when I was a teenager. Sure, I had to deal with that junk that comes out of you right after you give birth (not the placenta, the lochia). Remember that pleasant experience? I remember the nurse saying that I should let them know if clots came out that were BIGGER THAN MY FIST!!!! What the FUCK??? CLOTS THE SIZE OF MY FIST ARE ACCEPTABLE?????

Two kids, two births, right back to the pill so I could get back to practically zero menstrual period. I loved it! Then my husband had to spoil it by getting snipped. Now there's no excuse to be on the pill, and frankly at my age it's not an option. Menopause is peeking around the corner at me but IT"S NOT COMING FAST ENOUGH BECAUSE I"M RIGHT BACK WHERE I STARTED AT 13!!!! If what comes out during your period is the "lining" of your womb, then I must be lining a friggin TWO FAMILY HOUSE IN SOUTHIE!

Apparently this is a common problem amongst women "my age" (and even younger, right Fitfreak??) A friend and I were just chatting about this and her comment was "I don't even bother with tampons anymore, it's like putting a q-tip in a hallway!" I never thought I would go through an entire box of OB tampons (Super!) in one day, and I mean the JUMBO pack. So I picked up the phone and made an appointment with the gynecologist. No pill for me, no IUD, I will not be satisfied until I get that amazing ABLATION that basically CAUTERIZES your uterus! I'm finally understanding what drove my friends to that point. If I can't get the gynecologist to sign off on it, then Mr. Flossy better get out his blowtorch!

So if you come to my house in the next day or two I must warn you...There Will Be Blood.