Confessions of 2 Suburban Haus Fraus

auf wiedersehen, Hausfrau

2010-02-22T16:42:00.002-05:00

Alas, JA, my partner in crime, has declined to continue with our blog. Who can blame her? She's working nearly full time, raising three children, putting an in-ground pool in her backyard.

Just a note to say "thank you" for all you've done for me. You poked me in the ass to get this blog going. You FORCED me (yes, forced me!) to call the local newspaper to beg for the weekly column (which I love!)

You dragged me into doing freelance copywriting work.

Basically, I owe everything to you.

You will be missed.

In the immortal words of Heidi Klume "auf wiedersehen"

Descent into Evil

2009-09-05T12:10:00.002-04:00

I spent the summer reading many different types of books. "Lone Survivor", the story of a Navy Seal in Afghanistan, was a gripping read, and "Swapping Lives" a bit of fluff from Jane Green was escapist. I also zoomed through Green's "The Beach House" (more fluff) and "The Friday Night Knitting Club." (ugh)

I was about two chapters into more escapist fodder with Green's "The Other Woman" when my friend passed me her copies of "Waiter Rant" and "Columbine". I immediately picked up "Columbine" and began to read more about the horrific school shooting and the two teenagers who masterminded it.

What is it about "Columbine" that made me put "The Other Woman" aside and descend into this act of evil? Why would I, or anyone, want to know the intimate details of such a bloodbath. And with children, no less? Am I hoping to reassure myself that while this kind of thing happens "somewhere else", it wouldn't happen here? Or am I hoping to head off any kind of behavior in my own children, who seemed fascinated by The History Channel with its WWII documentaries and shows like "Lock n' load with R. Lee Ermey"?

Hmmmm.

Back on Track

2009-09-04T08:16:00.002-04:00

School has been in session for three days and I am back on track (hate those words) in terms of working out. Not so much in the eating (though I am trying to make conscious choices now instead of just stuffing random objects into my mouth.)

Wednesday (first day of school) I took a 2 hour walk on the beach with some friends. Two hours! What it lacks in hardcore aerobic activity it makes up for in duration.

Thursday I took the 6am spin class (and don't you burn extra calories when you get up at that friggin' UNGODLY hour??? I burned 550 calories (according to my bike) and subsequently had to take not one but two naps in order to recover.

Today I try ZUMBA. A friend teaches it right down the street, so I will check that she knows CPR and that there is a defribulator nearby and see what happens.

Now if I can just get control over the eating, things would be good.

Karma is a Bitch (and I love her!)

2009-05-12T14:54:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I was waiting patiently in line at the self-checkout at my food store. There are three self-checkouts at my store. Two are for 15 items or less (no conveyor belt) and the third is for larger orders. I was in the larger-order line.

The guy across from me at 15 or less was causing a backup because he had accidentally put his money in the COUPON slot...As the manager helped rectify the situation, a woman I know got into line behind him. She was holding a bottle of chocolate syrup in one hand, and a baby in an infant carrier in the other. We chatted for a moment and when the man finally finished his order, this OLD BAT WITH A CART FULL OF SHIT has the nerve to tell my friend that she had been waiting for a long time in the regular check-out line and could she please go AHEAD of her!

So let's recap, shall we? My friend was waiting in a 15 items or less self-checkout line with ONE item. This old crabby lady had been waiting in a regular check out item with a cart full of stuff. My friend replied, "But I only have one item" as she struggled to balance the infant carrier, and the other woman just pushed ahead of her.

I told my friend she could go ahead of me in my line. The woman ahead of me finished her order and my friend scanned her one bottle of chocolate syrup, paid in CASH and then thanked me again before she left. In a loud voice I said "THAT'S ALL RIGHT! YOU ONLY HAD ONE ITEM!!!" I then scanned my items, all the while noting that not only was the old bat to my right having trouble scanning certain items, but she was rapidly running out of room in the bagging area for the items she had scanned. Uh, hello! That's WHY it's 15 items of less! That's WHY my aisle has a CONVEYOR BELT!

I finished my order, bagged my items and left the store with a satisfied smirk as the woman was still scanning her items (and she still had a half-full cart).

Karma is a bitch, and I LOVE her!

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-11T08:41:00.001-04:00

Best Mother's Day ever!

Woke up late, enjoyed Blood Orange mimosas with my husband. Took the kids to see Star Trek movie while eating BUTTERED movie popcorn and an ENTIRE BOX OF DOTS!

Took a nap after the movie, then my husband picked up Chinese food. He cleaned up the kitchen while my kids presented me with their presents: A homemade poem/picture frame and a sculpture from my 11-year old and a talking card that says "Mom, you're the BEST" from my 8-year old.

Second best presents...the bracelet I picked out for myself and the mani/pedi gift certificate (also picked that one up myself...)

TOP THAT!

Can YOU Spot The CN Tower?

2009-04-14T13:45:00.003-04:00

My eight-year old son and I were researching information on a project on Canada yesterday. He wanted to include some landmarks in his project, so we did a google search for CN Tower (at one time the CN tower was the tallest building...) Take a look at WHICH picture of the CN Tower was the top hit (needless to say, we did NOT include it in his project)

It was my eleven-year old son who suggested I put this on the blog.

All I can say is it's a good thing there's an arrow or I never would have seen the CN Tower

The Breast Day Ever!

2009-03-30T18:33:00.002-04:00

What can you say about a day that begins with a mammogram at 6:20 a.m.? Imagine getting up at 5 a.m., still dark outside and the rest of your family sleeping peacefully in their beds, only to drive down to the medical building for the privilege of having your golden bozos manhandled and squished flat. You'd think everything after that would be a bed of roses.

However, I happened to mention to the technician (who was WAY too perky for 6:20 a.m.) that I had been having some...uh...dry skin on my...uh...center of my breast (okay, NIPPLES!) Okay, they itch like crazy! I wouldn't be too concerned about it except for the fact that I read a book where the main character dies a horrible death from Inflammatory Breast Cancer which manifests itself not in lumps but in RED, SOMETIMES ITCHY, BREASTS!

The technician suggested I check in with my doctor just to be safe. Now my favorite primary care physician left our practice and I have not yet seen my new doctor as of yet (what a nice introduction..."Hi, nice to meet you, check out my itchy nipples!") I opted to try my midwife who has done my yearly pap since the birth of my children. Sadly, she was not available and the nurse thought is best to see someone with an MD after their name. So I schlepped up to the doctor's office only to present my problem to an MD (who was, of course, a total stranger..."Hi, nice to meet you, check out my itchy nipples!)

She peeked and poked and prodded and then decided to SCRAPE OFF A SAMPLE TO VIEW UNDER A MICROSCOPE!!! If I thought having my boob squished was an unpleasant experience, it was nothing compared to having some utensil scrape dry skin off my nipple!

She thought it was strange that I would have such a condition in such an area. Typically, she said, it was something they saw in nursing mothers (ha ha!) She mentioned that I don't have it on any other part of my body, specifically in my "folds" (WTF??? I know I'm overweight but suddenly I have FOLDS?!?!?!) She prescribed antifungal cream or powder and a follow up with the dermatologist.

All in all, it was the breast day ever!

Ow

2009-03-23T07:11:00.003-04:00

My husband and I are breaking down slowly (ok, not so slowly...) Yes, I have gained weight this past year (or two, or three) and yes I am getting older, but suddenly we're both like "Oh my knee/back/elbow." I could barely walk last week after spending 20 minutes on "Downhill Slalom" on the Wii Fit (maybe I should have stuck to hula hooping...but then I might have broken a HIP!)

I guess you go along feeling like your body will serve you well forever. Those parents and relatives and friends who complain about their aging aches and pains seem like whiners and complainers...hypochondriacs at the very least. Until those same little aches and pains start to creep up on you and suddenly you're the limping, moaning walking dead.

Suddenly it hits you. GROWING OLD REALLY SUCKS!

Mommy feels sick-y

2009-03-18T19:54:00.002-04:00

Last week I had a headache. No big deal....I get them a lot. It didn't go away. For days on end I had this nagging, dopey, head is heavy feeling and no matter how much Sudafed I sucked down it wouldn't quit. So what did I do? I ignored it. And ignored it. And ignored it. In my defense I had a suck-f$%k week last week. I had a friend pass away very suddenly and tragically (that's a post for another day) and another friend's sister-in-law died of melanoma at 32. Two wakes and one funeral...oh and my daughter turned 12 and had 8 giggling, silly, texting, twirling, shrieking girls sleepover. So my drulling, miserable headache wasn't going to take precedence in my already loony life.

Week two. I am now sick to my stomach, unable to move my head up, down, left or right. I slouch around the house with a hot pad on my forehead and a cup of water in my hand. Off I drag myself to the doc....begging for mercy ..... and drugs. Luckily I waited the correct length of time to get the drugs....they are notorious for NOT giving out antibiotics unless you are close to death...which after they took one look at me....decided I was. I'm pretty sure I look like Skeletor.

The funny thing is...if my kid had a headache for 2 weeks I would be in Children's Hospital with the best neurologist in the world administering the CT scan HIMSELF. But noooooooooooooo, not me. I have to suck it up....tough it out....and continue on. Because a mother never, ever, ever stops. Not even for herself. Pffftttt. That's life. As Flossy says "Life is hard...wear a helmet." Or get some penicillin.

Cuppa Joe

2009-03-15T12:38:00.004-04:00

There's a reason our country is in the toilet...and that reason is The Keurig Coffee Maker.

Think about this... This single serve, I-got-mine-go-screw-yourself coffee maker serves as an anolgy for all that is wrong with this country.

Worried about your retirement fund? Stop buying expensive k-cups and buy your coffee by the POUND like your grandfather did! Better yet, buy a whole sackload of whole beans on a donkey like Juan Valdez...

Worried about the environment? Stop throwing away bags of NON-RECYLEABLE k-cups and buy coffee in aluminum cans or plastic containers. Both can be recycled!

Your boyfriend won't commit to marriage? NO WONDER! Why should he tie himself to you when he can't even commit to an entire pot of coffee? Sorry babe, I'm just a cup-at-a-time kind of guy.

These Keurig machines should be rounded up and destroyed.

Bring them by my house, would you? I'm out of coffee...

Shut up lady!!!

2009-03-05T13:19:00.004-05:00

Today at the gym I encountered a bizzare person. Or obnoxious. Or clueless. Or all of the above.

The story begins with me warming up for my spin class on an elliptical. I try to warm up before I teach the class in order to avoid the dreaded spin headache which can happen when you overexert yourself too quickly. Which... if you have ever taken a spin class....always happens. I almost always would have a Thursday headache. My kids and husband would avoid me like the plague on Thursdays as I slouched around the house with my head hanging.

Anyhoo, so today I am slogging along on the elliptical when the gal next to me pumping away on the treadmill starts to sing....out loud. louder. louder. louder. louder. And EVEN LOUDER.

Here's how it went down:

Thump, thump, thump(treadmill), thump..."i swwweeear I love youuuuuuuuuuuu."
Thump, thump, thump,thump, thump, ..."maaaake it happppppppppen."
Thump, thump, thump, thump...."it donoooon't mattttter none."

Quiet for a few minutes. I relax.

Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump, thump ....."YEEEESSSSS!!!!! It is TRRRRUUUOOOOOO!!!!!! I LOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!" (This is complete with fists punching in the air.) Wahhhh! I jumped a friggin mile!

She carried on like this, with intermittent singing and sing/shouting for the entire time!

Lady... WTF????? We don't want to hear you singing and carrying on! Your voice sucks and you sound like a freak! Did you not notice the 35 other people in the room???? Did you not notice the stares and smirks? Yes....they are laughing at you! Keep it to yourself. This isn't American Idol at the gym for gawd's sakes. Shut the F up!

Mothering then........mothering now.

2009-02-25T12:28:00.004-05:00

The 1970's mom. Remember her? She was a cool cat, smoked her Virginia Slims or Parliament 100's. She worked or maybe she didn't. She was on the wave of feminism.......and how she was a mother may be a lot different from how you're a mother now. Or.... maybe not....

In the 1970's your mother sent you to the store with a note to get her a pack of smokes. Now, she wouldn't dare smoke around a child and if she does smoke.......she gets her own cigs and smokes in secret.

In the 1970's your mother didn't care how long you were outside or how far away you were....as long as you were home by street light time (which, by the way, in the summer was 8:45PM!) Now, she can call or text her child every 5 minutes and wouldn't dare let them go around the corner or be in the front yard without an adult.

In the 1970's your mother told you to get a tan.......that was your sunblock. Build up a tolerance to the sun. Now she coats her kid every time he/she sticks its nose outside. Including the scalp. (Man, I remember many a burn on my scalp.........and it hurt like heck too!)

In the 1970's your mother didn't exercise or obsessive over how thin or fat she was. She simply didn't care. Now, a mother demands to lose all the baby weight exactly one month after having her baby and starves/exercises herself constantly to unrealistically become the 17 year old she once was.

In the 1970's your mother didn't sit with you every night and do your homework with you. She might ask if you had any....or if it was done...but she sure as hell didn't sharpen your pencil for you and go through each problem one at a time. Now you sit with your child for hours correcting, erasing, prodding, hovering and making sure they don't fail.

In the 1970's your mother would backhand you into next week if you so much as smirked at her. Now mother's say things like "Timmy, it hurts my feelings when you punch me in the stomach" or "Sally, it's just not a good idea to spit in mommy's shoes."

In the 1970's your mother loved you. She cared for you and worried about you. But...she didn't hover over you, take shit from you or do everything for you. God love the 1970's moms!

Meanie

2009-02-23T19:40:00.002-05:00

Hey kid!
Yeah........you over there. That's right....come here you little crapper.
Stop teasing my son.
Yes you are bullying him.
You called him a pussy and made fun of his broken hand. And I know you stole the basketball away from him about a thousand times.
Don't try to charm me with your sweet smile and Eddie Haskell ways. I've read your book and I know what chapter you are on. I was a victim once, never again.
Be warned you little twit.......what comes around goes around. And I guarantee you.........it will come around.

I'm jealous and that's it.

2009-02-23T19:30:00.002-05:00

A lot of people I know went on vacation this past week. Some went skiing, some went to stay with family, some went to warmer climates. The updates on facebook of those surfing, skiing, reading by the pool, eating out and whatnot made me INSANE. I became a jealous, jealous, jealous person for a week. I wanted to go away, specifically somewhere warm and sunny and fun and full of tropical drinks and I could put my toes in the sand and sit on my fat ass and do nothing. But nooooooooooooooooooooo, there's this stupid ass thing called a RECESSION and my husband, who just happens to have a master's degree in finance aka penny pinching 101 said no way jose. And that's that. I could moan and whine and cry all I wanted....and the answer was not this year. Fu$%*ing recession.

Well just wait until next year bb's....I'll be damned if I am stuck here with dirty snow and 10 degree wind chills. I will save every penny and then some to get the hell out of here. So suck it recession world. Just suck it.

The Almost Moon

2009-02-23T16:24:00.005-05:00

Over school vacation I had the pleasure of reading a book in ONE DAY! Don't you just love when you can turn a blind eye to everything and everyone around you and just immerse yourself in a good book? The book was called "Kissing Games of the World" and while it wasn't a life-changing book, it was definitely enjoyable read.

This brings me to the next book, one I happened to pluck off the "New" shelf at my local library. The book was called The Almost Moon by Alice Seibold. This is the same woman who wrote "The Lovely Bones", a book many of my friends fall all over themselves praising, a book which I found only mildly interesting (and overly morbid: girl is raped and murdered and tells the rest of the story from heaven... Lovely, indeed!)

I figured what the heck, this one can't be as morbid as the other one, right? Well, in the first few chapters, the mother of the protagonist, who is crazed out of her mind, shits her pants. The daughter then ROLLS THE MOTHER UP IN A BLANKET! She hauls her mom outside and smothers her to death. After panicking for a few moments, she calls her ex-husband to tell him what she has done, then she washes the shit off her mom, drags her to the cellar and PUTS HER IN THE FREEZER (this is after she dismisses the idea of dismembering her. Sounds like that old B-Movie I Dismember Mama)

At this point I closed the book and returned it to the library, but not before I trashed the first few chapters to anyone who would listen. Should I have stuck it out to the end? Was there really a life lesson to be learned from this book? Even if my mommy shit her pants, I doubt I would turn her into a blanket burrito and smother her with a bunch of towels.

At least I hope I wouldn't.

F*&^in' Mother of the Year!

2009-02-13T10:44:00.002-05:00

Most of the time I feel like I'm the worst mother on the planet: The yelling, the screaming, the guilt...and that's just from my end. But today, I actually feel like I'm Mother of The Year. Mother to the Rescue. I ROCK!

My 10 year old son told me several weeks ago that they don't give out classroom valentines in 5th grade. Shortly after, I quizzed another friend of his on this and he agreed. So imagine my surprise last night (THURSDAY before Valentine's Day) when my son wailed that his teacher had passed out paper bags in the event that kids wanted to distribute valentines to each other. Along with a CLASS LIST! Talk about pressure. He went from having zero interest in giving out cards to obsessing over whether he would be the only one not distributing.

This was at dinner time, and I had no intention of going back out for the evening. My husband was on his way home from work but his cell was dead, so there was no way to reach him about stopping to purchase cards at Wal-Mart. My son dejectedly said "Maybe I can make some, everyone knows that homemade valentines are the best."

But it took him the rest of the evening to finish his homework, and by the time that idiotic show "Chowder" was on Cartoon Network, all thoughts of Valentines had vanished.

Fast forward to this morning at 4:30 a.m. Having fallen asleep last night at 9pm, I awoke early and silently crept downstairs in order to catch up on this week's episode of "Lost". Before detouring to the television side of the basement, I decided to hop on the computer and check out any age-appropriate, free printable valentines for my son. No easy task. Many were too girly or lovey for even his female classmates.

Finally I found some generic but pretty printable valentines which could be customized for the girls. Going down the class list, I modified each valentine to include the girl's name and signed each from "Your friend Xander".

The boys would be much tougher. No hearts and flowers here. I happened upon a website that included a template for a valentine for boys. Preprinted with a boyish message, the valentines could be cut and folded to make "whirlygigs". Boys could throw them up in the air and then watch them twirl to earth. Better yet, my son is currently in a paper airplane phase, so he could show them how to fold and throw their valentines.

When my son woke up, he was thrilled to see that there were valentines ready for his class. Yes, it would have been better if HE had done them, yes I saved his ASS, but for one brief shining moment I was the fucking Mother goddess of all moms.

Again...I ROCK!

Job(s)

2009-02-05T13:48:00.002-05:00

A friend was asking me the other day if I still sold a health juice called Mona Vie. This was a semi short-lived venture that I did about a year and half ago. It was fun, interesting and I met a lot of great people....but it didn't really work out as I had liked. I was supposed to get instantly rich and make millions, but alas that didn't happen. But I did start thinking of all the different jobs I've had since I was a kid. I thought it was an impressive resume.....what do you think?

Lemonade stand(s)- seasonal-we made our own with lemon juice, sugar, water and mint leaves.

Babysitting - back then I made the amazing amount of $3 an hour. And that was HIGH pay!

Elderly care - shopped, cleaned, did laundry for sweet old people. Loved this job!

Deli worker - worked in a deli making subs, sandwiches and dishing ice cream. Hated this job.

Ice Cream worker - made frappes, sundaes, and scooped ice cream - I still have the muscles from this one.

Bakery worker - ice cream shop was also a bakery. Got to take home cakes and all leftover yummies at end of day. At one time we had 5 birthday cakes in the fridge. I also learned to write on cakes...and most of the time I was hungover so the writing always looked like crap.

Library re-shelver - this one I was just lazy and plain bad at. I would stick the books in "good enough" places. I loathed those Moody periodicals with all of their weird numbers and shelving them was just a plain nightmare! Also, this job was torturous when all my friends were at the beach on an 80 degree day and I was shoving books into shelves. Hated it!

Secretary and Executive Assistant - after my mother made me go to Boot Camp aka Katharine Gibbs College (at the time no one of the female sex was allowed to wear pants. It was nylons, pumps, and skirts every day. I also learned to type on a real typewriter and make carbon copies. Oh and I can take shorthand too!) I did this job at Boston City Hall, a construction company and for the State of Massachusetts. I did learn a lot.

Grant Administrator - promoted from secretary to this job. I was in charge of over a hundred police departments community policing and DARE grants watching how they spent the money. I got to know every PD in the southern part of Massachusetts. Best job I ever had. Loved it and miss it still.

Grant writer - segway from administrator to the other side and I still write grants for a great friend at a local PD. Love this job!

Spin instructor - started my love of fitness with spinning. Became addicted and wanted more. I still do it....great way to fire off stress and burn 800 calories.

Business owner - started a local fitness facility with two friends. Didn't work out...but I became a personal trainer and fitness guru. Lifetime of learning from this venture. I got an MBA through the hard knocks of owning your own business.

Mona Vie seller - sold jungle juice Mona Vie. Great stuff....expensive...but worth it. Unfortunately, it just didn't grab me and I realized that selling things is not my forte.

Blue Lan Group - Business Development Manager - here I am....last stop for awhile. Working for my brother's company is awesome. I work from home, pick my own hours and it's the best company I have ever worked for. Very laid back, fun and everyone is amazing. Plus when your boss is your brother....well....you know. I'm learning more about the IT world and have become amazingly computer literate to boot!

So that's it folks. That's my work history from age 8 to 38. Not bad for 30 years.

And the night comes.....

2009-02-03T13:51:00.003-05:00

Why for the grace of god do all little children get sick in the middle of the night? I cannot remember the last time any of my little chicks came down with something during daylight hours. It's always 2, 3 or 4AM you hear the racking cough, the sounds of throwup, or the feverish "mommy.....I need you." Oh, the exhaustion of it all. Sleep deprivation is used as TORTURE in many countries. And let me tell you....no matter what....it's ME that gets up. Yes, I work a mostly full-time job x 2. (That's mommyhood AND a biz dev manager for my bro's company.) Yeah, I gotta get up and shoo the other two out the door to school, tend to the sick one, clean up the mess, answer phone calls and emails, and just do it all! It's never easy. But please, please little ones....next time....could you puke at 4PM next time?

Thanks, love, mama

A word on closets.

2009-01-21T13:35:00.003-05:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about when we refinished our basement 8 years ago and made it into a kid's playroom. I made a big mistake by not putting in a closet at the entry level (this where we all come and go from the house via the garage). In the summer it's not a big deal...but during the winter, yikes...it's a tumbled mess of snowpants, mittens, gloves, boots, hats, scarves, sneakers, shoes, puffy winter coats, backpacks and more. She told me that her house doesn't have a lot of closet space. This got me thinking....the house I grew up in had very little closet/storage space. It's 100 years old. My friend's house is not quite as old...her's built in the 60's or 70's and it does have a reasonable amount of closet space...but according to her...not enough. My house has lots of closet space...BUT....it was built by a family who had 4 boys. The woman in that family was clearly thinking of 4 six foot boys/men and all the food, clothes and stuff it takes to house them. (Thanks previous homeowner!)

But really though.....why do most older homes have limited closet space? It's because they didn't need, buy or require huge amounts of stuff (to store either). You had a limited wardrobe, limited amount of food kept on hand, limited amount of miscellaneous stuff like toys, games, books etc. You certainly didn't have electronics, dvd's, cd's, and all the stuff that goes with them. Think about how much STUFF we have acquired in the past 30 years that is "necessary" for general life. The stuff has to be put somewhere....closets. New houses....more closets....more stuff. Interesting...don't ya think?

Happy MLK Day

2009-01-19T18:46:00.006-05:00

I had a few moments today, prior to taking my kids to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop to reflect on the life of Martin Luther King and to marvel that tomorrow we will elect our first African-American president. A friend said that she wished people would stop focusing so much on the fact that Barrack Obama is African American, that they should focus more on who he is and the job he will do for our country. I understand where she is coming from. It shouldn't matter whether the president is black or white, Jewish or Protestant, male or female. What matters is their character, their ability to lead and their moral fiber. On the other hand, I think Black Americans are justified in their jubilation.

40 years ago African-Americans took their lives in their hands when taking the bold step to register to vote. Now less than a half century later, an African-American is being sworn in as America's commander-in-chief. If my ancestors had been beaten and kidnapped and brought to this country in chains, bought and sold like pieces of farm equipment, made to feel like second class citizens for nearly four hundred years...Well, I think I'd celebrate too.

Our lives are measured by milestones both personal and public. In addition to my marriage and the birth of my children, I've witnessed the moon landing (as a very young child), the release of the Iranian hostages, the destruction of the Berlin Wall, the release of Nelson Mandela and now the inauguration of an African-American president.

I feel very lucky.

I HATE THE RECESSION

2009-01-11T15:40:00.002-05:00

I want to plan a little vacation. Nothing crazy mind you.......no fabulous trips to Turks and Caicos, or Cancun. Just something like a short trip into Boston for a few nights, or even a longer trip to Niagra Falls. Last year we went to DC and had a great time. It was a fun, educational and relaxing trip. I want something like that. But nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, we can't. Why? Well...... because of the **$#@ economy! Right now, like most people, we live in fear....fear of not having a job, of something major happening to the house or cars, or racking up debt. We live in reality of expensive gas and food bills, of clothing and feeding 3 kids, of whopping heating bills, and little to no extra cash. I work, my husband works....and we try hard to keep things in perspective. But with the cost of everything going through the roof and even the thought of not having a weekly paycheck stops us cold. No vacations, no new clothes, no small trips, no dinners out, no getting nails or toes done, nothing. It's depressing. It sucks. I want this shit to be over. But even I, a non-financial type, can see the vicious circle we are in and it's not ending soon.

Oh and yes, I know it could be much, much, much worse. I do know some friends who do not have jobs right now and what they are going through is mind boggling. Never mind fun money...how about paying the mortgage, car payment or electricity bill??? I count my blessings....and sorry for the whining.

Sex In The Suburbs

2009-01-09T17:30:00.003-05:00

Recently I attended a home party, and unlike others I had attended, the items being sold weren't kitchen tools, candles or jewelry. This was one of those "other" parties, the kind that encourages you to "...find your inner goddess..."

Yeah...it was a sex toy party. I went mostly out of curiosity (it was one of the few home parties I had never been to, along with Tastefully Simple, and I can assure you that this party was anything but tasteful OR simple...). I walked into my friend's house bearing an appetizer. All of the food had been placed on the kitchen table because the CENTER ISLAND WAS COVERED IN DILDOS!

Once everyone had arrived and settled in, the consultant gave a very straightforward and knowledgeable pitch about her...uh...items. My impression was that she considered herself something of a sex therapist. Her disclosure about her own sex life prior to becoming a goddess was a little bit TMI (I didn't need to hear that she was "dead down here" as she drew circular motions around her crotch with her hand, like some pornagraphic Vanna White), but she genuinely seemed to want to assist in any way.

One of the most popular items of the evening was something called The Sleeve. Gelatinous, pink and worm-like, our "goddess" assured us that this was something that would drive our husbands wild. This little gem was a multipurpos tool that would enhance the experience of those who preferred to pleasure their husbands orally (show of hands anyone???) and could also be used in a manner which could take the place of...um....uh...your mouth.

Using the item for the second method meant holding it in place at the base of your husbands member and pulling the stretchy other end WAY UP high, simulating the pressure of one's mouth or hands. The women at the party practically stampeded their way into the check out room to purchase this item (a steal at only $25!) and there was much concern and anger when the item ran out of stock and needed to be ordered.

Fast forward several months later. My "goddess" girlfriends were at book club and started comparing notes on The Sleeve. (which, by the way, I did NOT purchase!) One girlfriend mimed the elaborate motion needed to use the item, and complained that she practically tore her rotator cuff yanking it up and down.

Another girl friend said that her husband looked down during use and commented, "There is nothing good about this." There are also friction issues, a hideous sucking/slurping sound which accompanies the sleeve, and the danger of pinching pubic hair in the bargain.

My theory is that this little gem is a bestseller because it's
A) Priced at only $25, a bargain compared to some of the $100+ dildos and
B) Women think that they'll be able to get out of doing something they consider laborious on their husbands, only to be faced with doing something twice as tedious.

So if you find yourself at one of "those" parties, be sure to pass up The Sleeve. You'll thank me.

Kung Fu Panda

2009-01-08T15:49:00.004-05:00

Okay, is it me or are the people in China just frickin' stupid???? The third person in two years has been bitten by the Panda at the China Zoo in Beijing! First of all, why is the Panda pit so easily breachable? If Pandas are "...violent when provoked or startled", then why not make an enclosure that drunk or ignorant people can't get into??? The latest brainiac climbed in to retrieve his 5-year old's toy, which had fallen into the pen. Hello??? Skip the toy and take your little one to the GIFT SHOP! I'm sure there are THOUSANDS of toys in there that his kid would love. What's so special about the used, drooled-on toy that is worth an arm, leg or head?

One idiot decided to climb into the enclosure "...to give the Panda a hug". Apparently, because they are so cute and cuddly-looking, these shit-for-brains think its okay to just climb on over the rail and approach the wild animal with open arms. Duh? In my opinion, people this stupid should not be rescued, they should be considered voluntary Purina Panda Chow.

Perhaps this is one of those clever ways that China is trying to control their population. When a good citizen climbs on over the fence and gets eaten by the Panda: BANG! Natural selection.

I'm sure if these people had died they would have been prime candidates for the Darwin Awards.

On the 12th day of vacation my family gave to me....

2009-01-04T10:39:00.004-05:00

A headache. Ok, ok........it's not that bad....but really....it's been twelve days we've all been hunkered down here as a family. Of course, we had a few holidays to break up the monotony....Christmas and New Years. One would think that after all the stuff the kids got at Christmas (short list...not all included....Wii system with Rock Band, kayak, camera, personal DVD player, legos up the wazoo, books) that they would be busy. Add to it some serious snow pack for sledding and general snow craziness and they should be well entertained. Think again.

Mom....I'm bored. Mooooooooooom, there is nothing to do. Mom...can I have a friend over...meet a friend at the movies, have a sleepover, go to the mall, spend some of my or your money, go to the lego store, use my kayak (sorry dude, it's 10 degrees outside) etc. etc. etc. Or how about this..."boys stop wrestling right this second!.....boys GET OUTSIDE right now! Can you ever keep your hands to yourself???? Stop beating your brother with that snowtube, using him as a speedbump, or as a punching bag!"

This has been a looooooooooooooooong vacation. The longest I can ever remember in their school history. Just because I want to be that super fun mom, and bring our family even closer as a cohesive unit (crap I read in a book) we've done some fun stuff, rented movies, went to the movies, had lots of friends over, gone bowling, gone out to eat. Pause....I'm have a reflective moment here..........

Hmmmmmmm....wait, when I was a kid (yep, here I go...) I did NOTHING on vacations and my parents did NOTHING with us. You played with your presents (and let me tell you...there was no friggin Wii back then), watched a little black and white TV with all of three channels, and went sledding on those crappy metal/wood sleds. No movies and sleepovers. I know I sound like an old fart...and well, I am one. But I can tell you this......it's time for everyone to go back to school....back to work and for me to get back to....well....ME!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2008-12-10T18:24:00.001-05:00

Send your own ElfYourself eCards

Darth Vader, Freddy Kruger, Carlos Castaeda, Jason

2008-12-10T16:52:00.001-05:00

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!

Just in Time for Christmas

2008-12-03T18:22:00.000-05:00

http://bewareofthedoghouse.com/videoPage.aspx

20 years.......

2008-11-30T18:49:00.004-05:00

It's the class of 1988 redux! Last night was my 20th high school reunion. It was a doozy. First let me preface this with what I have done to myself to get myself into tip-top, foxy mama, shape. This would include pain searing workouts with my BFF Cardioqueen, running until my legs are flopping behind me, not eating or drinking anything decent FOR MONTHS and withholding my constant picking at my fingernails so they would grow to a decent length. I bought a snazzy and expensive dress from Banana Republic, had my hair cut and highlighted, had dental work done, bought f-me high heel shoes and fabulous jewlery. Plus the cost of the ticket and the drinks when I got there. I was determined to go back looking and feeling like a million bucks. Did it work? Yup. I felt great! It was an absolute ball to be with four of my best friends and re-live the big 80's. We watched videos, sifted through pictures and laughed our asses off. I can tell you one thing.....I was a bad, bad, BAD teenager! It's by the grace of God that I am alive and well today. Really.

I spent 5 or so hours hanging with the class of 1988. Many of them were there, the geeks, the jocks, the PIBS, the Duran Duran wannabe's, the popular kids.....all of them. I had a few revelations as the night went on.......here they are:

It fascinated me to no end that each person I saw looked more or less the exact same....especially the girls. They all looked great. You could tell that perhaps they too had starved and worked themselves to death just like me. Most of the guys were balding and a little overweight...but ok.

I kept thinking it was so odd to see these people with wives, husbands, kids. They are forever a teenager in my mind.....seeing them as Mom or Dad or buying a house or working in a big-time job blows my mind.

Several people DID NOT RECOGNIZE ME!!!!!!! That was just straight out weird. I don't look that different do I? I look at pictures of myself in high school and I look like a younger, skinnier, almost baby like version of myself.......but I'm still me!

I was very glad I went. I had a lot of fun. But that's it for me folks. It was great to see everyone and who they are and what they have become.......but really the 20 year mark is enough. In 30 or 40 years were all just the same........births, marriages, divorces, deaths, and so on. I would prefer to keep everyone in mind just the way I saw them all last night. Happy.

Rock on Class of 1988.........Rock on.

Spin 2

2008-11-24T19:38:00.002-05:00

There seems to be a never ending cast of characters in my spinning class. I've already mentioned the carrot (or the tan-addict, as I call her). There's the guy who wears sunglasses in class (he's not blind, what's going on???) Then there's the guy who never seems to wash his bike shorts, so if you happen to get stuck behind him, you get a whiff of butt funk every time he plunks his smelly ass down on the bike seat.

Today beat them all. An incredibly fit woman came into spin class and hopped on one of the bikes right in front of the instructor. All was fine till she took her warm-up shirt off to reveal a sports bra which could BARELY CONTAIN HER ENORMOUS IMPLANTS!!!

I had a side view of her, and it looked like a bagel was trying to burst through her skin just under her armpits. The poor instructor was trying to look ANYWHERE but straight ahead of him. He noticed my friend Donna and I giggling in the back row and actually said, "Yeah, you should be sitting where I am right now".

I understand, if you're going to get implants, you want people to look at them, right? But is the spin class really the place to flaunt your super-fake, oversized, permanently-high-beamed hooters?

I think not.

Let us all give Thanks!

2008-11-17T17:40:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving approaches and here is a list of things for which I give Thanks:

I'm thankful that I don't have to carry an infant around in a car seat

I'm thankful for my friends who make me laugh EVERY day

I'm thankful for my children (especially when they don't fight)

I'm thankful for my children (when they are asleep)

I'm thankful for my children (when the babysitter comes...)

I'm thankful for my husband who works hard at a job he hates (though I would be more thankful if he worked at a job hated that was closer to home

You say.... WHAT????

2008-10-20T14:48:00.003-04:00

Inappropriate. TMI. Keep it to yourself. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Do any of these ring a bell?

I had a conversation on a PRIVATE phone with my sister the other day (well, actually she was on her cell phone but was sitting in the car because while she did have to go into the post office she chose not to carry on our conversation in front of all the other postal patrons) about the complete and utter lack of decorum when it comes to cell phone conversations.

I was in Banana Republic the other day and overheard a woman asking about a friend's colonoscopy which was scheduled for the next day. Yuck.

My sister was in line at CVS and the young lady in front of her was relaying in great detail about her trip to the Florida Keys and about the all-nude bar she was at and how everyone was naked and how great it was.

Or....how about the phones that ring during Church? Yep, it's happened! WTF???

C'mon world.....I do NOT need a visual of Candy lying on her side with a tube snaked up her butt or Sally's wide fat ass jiggling about and hanging off a stool in the FLA Keys while she is sucking down a Margarita. I say....keep...it....to....yourself. And if you can't......sit in the car and talk all you want. I don't want to hear it. (BTW.....do you notice a butt theme here? Hmmmmmm.........interesting.)

I ask our faithful readers....please post a TMI conversation overheard on a cell phone. I'm sure everyone has heard at least one by now! Let's see who overheard the worst conversation ever....I'm sure it will be a doozy!

Baby Wee Wee (Pi Pi)

2008-10-10T08:30:00.001-04:00

Get yours for Christmas NOW!

Why do I DO THIS to myself?

2008-09-28T18:53:00.003-04:00

I turned 38. Whooopee! I celebrated in several ways. First, my girlfriends in the neighborhood had a small gathering in honor of two of us who had September birthdays. Couple glasses of wine...not a big deal.

Second, small family party with my husband and children. One glass of wine. No problem.

Third, a dinner party with some close friends. Four margaritas later and I am ALL DONE. Flash forward to today.......me very sicky. Me not happy-o. Me yucky.

I am 38 years old darn it! I should know better! You cannot weigh 110 pounds and drink a shit load of tequila and not feel it the next day. Here is the difference between me at 28 and me at 38. Me at 28 - drink a lot, feel sick the next day until about 4Pm...have an italian sub and all is well. Me at 38 - drink a lot, feel so sick all day long, incredibly nauseous, sleep on and off, eat nothing, lay on couch like a loser. The facts are in ladies and gents....it hits you a LOT harder the older you get. This being said......I am ALL DONE. It's just not worth it.....and I am not being a good example for my kids. My 11 year old can and will figure it out. What's that gonna be like..... me lecturing her on the evils of drinking and there I am hanging hard? Common sense says.....it doesn't work. You gotta practice what you preach. So here it is world.....it's over for me. I am done on the booze train....last stop...38. A glass of wine, one beer, ok. Anything else....slap me upside the head and slap it out of my hand. Remind me....It is ok to only have none/one alcoholic drink and still be fun!

There....now I can go puke.

The Great Schlep

2008-09-27T09:44:00.001-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FITFREAK!

2008-09-26T09:52:00.002-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR FITFREAK...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Flossy

Michael Moore's Slacker Uprising -- Trailer

2008-09-24T20:07:00.001-04:00

Love him, hate him, but check out his new movie for FREE!

Milk......it does a body good.

2008-09-24T08:20:00.002-04:00

Here is my WTF moment for the week. Did you hear that PETA sent a letter to Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream asking them to replace Cow's Milk with Human Breast Milk? Yeah....that's right....human breast milk. Can you imagine anything more disgusting that eating a pint of Cherry Garcia flavored with Tammy from Chicago's boob milk? Gee Tammy....did you have a BURRITO before you pumped? Or how about Phish Food with just a slight taste of Minestrone? Or Wow, this peanut butter cup is making me feel F-I-N-E....did someone in Florida have too many Margarita's? Yummmmmmmm.

Can you imagine how Ben & Jerry's would make this work? Would mothers everywhere send in their milk and get paid? Or better yet....would there be a giant milking room where women could come in, put their feet up, knit, chat, listen to an ipod or watch TV while being milked?

Never mind how completely disgusting and germy it is to think of eating someone's BREAST MILK. What shocked me the most was that these a-holes actually think this is a really good idea! AND...they think that the cows are being hurt when they get their milk pumped out. Hey PETA......have you ever had a breast pump squeezing the hell out of your boob? Let me tell you.....I HAVE and IT HURTS LIKE HELL. I certainly could relate to the cow when I had this contraption on....I felt a certain kinship....but I am a HUMAN and they are a COW and for as long as life has been around we have been using cow's milk and they don't really seem to mind. The baby cows get their fare share of milk too...so all around it's a happy milk world.

PETA is a serious organization....one that I actually believe in too...I don't like seeing baby seals getting clubbed for their soft pelts or elephants shot dead for their ivory tusks...but they have made absolute idiots of themselves with this one. Save the breast milk for the ones who need it the most........HUMAN BABIES.

Mother of the Year

2008-09-23T08:05:00.004-04:00

Don't you just love it when you go online and some AP Headline jumps out at you? Today it was "Mom Pressure Washes Child, Gets Year Probation".

Who CAN'T just click right on that???

Apparently, the mother was at a self-serve car-wash and was becoming increasingly frustrated by her 2-year old. There's video of her spraying the daughter with the power hose, though apparently she didn't have it on full force. In an interview, she maintains that she didn't deserve to be arrested and didn't do anything wrong.

I love these Moms (and Dads). When someone leaves their infant on the roof of their car and then powers down the highway, I feel so much better about my own parenting skills. Andrea Yates and Susan Smith make me seem like mother of the year. I haven't rolled anyone in the lake or drowned anyone in the bathtub. True, I lost my temper once and bit my 7-year old at the gift shop at the Roger Williams Zoo, but it was a soft bite and it didn't leave any marks (hey, I didn't even break the skin!).

I haven't chained anyone to the heater in the basement for years on end or microwaved my baby or even put it in the fry-0-later. So where's my medal?

Come n' get it!

2008-09-19T06:35:00.003-04:00

If you find yourself a bit down in the dumps and in need of a few laughs, I highly recommend checking out the "Free" section of Craigs List.

Yes, you can buy a television, boat, chest of drawers and a thousand other things but why not get it FREE??? It amazes me some of the things that are being given away. Here's an example:

Breadbox
Broken Paddle Boat
Kids (not really kids, that was a hook to get you to click on the link)
Dora the Explorer foldable toilet seat (they claim not used but no box....yeah right)
Free 3ft diameter coffee table...the description: "It was the subject of an abortive attempt at refinishing, consisting of sanding 3 legs and deciding that refinishing was not for me. The difference is not very noticeable." (FYI-3 legs white, the other dark...so not noticible, unless you're a MIDGET!)
Muffler for 1997 Chevy Cavalier (I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE OF THOSE!!!!)
Hemp shoes (?!!?)
Skirts/pants hangers (those are hard to find, huh?)
Pummel horse for gymnastic enthuiast (requiring 2 people, a dolly and a truck)

and my personal favorite:

Free cervical collar (still in plastic and box)

with this brilliant addendum to the description:

"For you fifth grade mentality types out there( u know who u are) a cervical collar is also known as a neck brace and has nothing to do with an actual cervix. Also, there is no such thing as a " clavical " anything but possibly a clavicle. Thanks for the help though... Dink. "

So take a few moments to peruse the free stuff, you might find something you need or you might just get a much needed laugh...

Turning a Deaf Ear

2008-09-13T10:01:00.004-04:00

For days we have heard about the oncoming powerhouse that is Hurricane Ike. The television stations have run storm predictions, evacuations, damage assessments for what seems like forever. And today I read that 10s of THOUSANDS of residents of the great state of Texas ignored the warnings (what part of the phrase "certain death" don't you get?) and chose to stay in their homes. Now in addition to the clean-up, relocation and care of those who DID heed the warnings, Texas officials will have to spend precious time and money rescuing these dumb bastards.

I guess that prompts the question: How dumb do you have to be in order to live in Texas (and how dumb were we for electing one of them our president??? TWICE???)

I can understand not wanting to leave the home that you have cared for and paid for and created memories in for countless years. No one wants to sit and wonder if their home is being pummeled in 125 mph winds while they sit in a nice warm shelter. And even if your home does survive, what about looters afterwards?

Still, isn't it better to be alive with nothing than dead amongst the rubble of your house?

It reminds me of that e-mail that went around recently about the woman of deep faith who decided to stay in her home despite dire hurricane predictions. When a rescue worker in a fire truck came to evacuate her, she refused saying, "Thank you but the Lord will protect me". When the flood waters rose and she was trapped on her second floor, a boat came by and rescuers pleaded with her to come, to which she calmly replied, "No thank you, the Lord will protect me". And when the flood waters had reached the roof and rescuers came in a helicopter, she refused saying, 'No thank you, the Lord will protect me."

Next thing you know, the woman is in heaven, asking God why he didn't protect her. God replies, "I sent you a fire truck, a boat and a helicopter! What more did you want?"

It may not be God speaking to you when the governor of your state tells you to evacuate or face certain death, but it could be God speaking THROUGH your governor.

Good luck to all those folks in Texas and may God protect you.

Who is Sally Foster and Why Do I Hate Her?

2008-09-12T09:36:00.002-04:00

Sally Foster comes home with my children the second week of school each year. She's an overpriced bitch and I hate her. Like Global Warming, if Sally Foster could be eradicated in our lifetime, mothers the world over would thank me.

For those of you who have never heard of Sally Foster...WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?? Sally Foster is the catalog of beautiful but overpriced wrapping paper that each school child brings home the SECOND WEEK OF SCHOOL to beg for orders from friends and family. To make matters worse, Sally Foster offers PRIZE INCENTIVES to children to get them to push MORE ORDERS. All they see is the FREE IPOD NANO and they are hooked (they don't realize you need to sell 140 products (at about $10 a roll) to qualify! If my kids are lucky, I will order one or two rolls from each and let them qualify for the free crappy key chain (this year's key chain features Tic Tac Toe: OOOOO, challenging!

Here is the problem I have with Sally Foster: EVERY SCHOOL SELLS IT! That makes it impossible to sell to anyone other than immediate family, and ONLY if the immediate family members have no school age children.

At my son's preschool they had a fundraiser with cookie dough one year, frozen pretzels the next. Those are things that I would be willing to buy. Wrapping paper can be had for $1.99 a roll at Ocean State Job Lot or the Christmas Tree Shops. I don't need $10 wrapping paper. Why? BECAUSE IT'S JUST GOING TO GET RIPPED TO SHREDS ANYWAY!!!

I think someone should look into a fundraiser featuring adult pleasure toys. Can you see it now? "Hello Ma'am, I'm trying to raise money for my school? Would you be interested in some ben-wa balls, a Rabbit stimulator or a jar of cootchy cream?"

Our school would CLEAN UP!

Now vs. Then

2008-09-10T15:37:00.003-04:00

I was thinking the other night of all the different activities my three children have participated in since, well, birth. Here is a list of what they have done, what is available to them and what they do right now....(in no particular order.)

The Y indicates we have done it or are currently involved....

Gymboree - Y

Gymnastics - Y

Horseback Riding - Y

Golf

Tennis-Y

Swimming Lessons-Y

Football-Y

Soccer-Y Spring and Fall offered in our town

Lacrosse

Hockey

Skating Lessons-Y

Flag Football

Lego Robotics-Y

Boy Scouts

Girl Scouts

Brownies-Y

Tiger Scouts-Y

CCD - Religious Education-Y

Baseball - Y Spring, Summer and Fall are offered in our town

Basketball-Y

Karate-Y

Dance-Y

Cheerleading-Y

Softball

Field Hockey

and the list goes on and on....depending on where you live etc.

When I was a kid there was one option .....go out and play with the other kids.

Wow, have times changed! Do we really need our children to be involved in so much? Are we trying to make super humans? Now don't get me wrong....I think it's great to have a child participate in a few activities, it keeps them strong and motivated...but how much is enough and when is too much just too much? Hmmmmm........when you figure it out.....let me know.

Week and a Treat

2008-09-07T09:44:00.003-04:00

I did something so deliciously selfish a couple of days ago....it was unreal.

I went to the beach ALL BY MYSELF. Yup....just me, myself and I. The kids were in school and it was a gorgeous September day. Bright blue skies, hot and well....just a perfect beach day. I packed up my one towel, my one chair, my one sandwich, my one drink and a book and headed out. It was delicious! I spent about 2 hours sitting on my butt, tanning and relaxing, listening to the waves crash and the birds singing. Glorious! After about two hours I had to head home to the laundry, kids getting off the bus, homework, sibling fights and all the other crap that awaited me. But for two hours I treated myself to MOMMY time.

I decided that on a weekly basis I would take at least two hours of MOMMY time just for me. It will become FITFREAK time. I will go for a long walk, read a book uninterrupted, go to the beach, get a pedicure, window shop, meet a friend for lunch or breakfast, go to the library and sit in silence....etc. Sounds good doesn't it?

Here's the kicker....when I got home my kids found out I went to the beach....gasp!.....without them! And guess what....they couldn't have cared less! So, now it's a rule in this house.....two hours minimum per week for me. Now my fellow readers...don't continue to be a martyr....get out there and take some YOU time! You'll be a better mother, wife, sister, friend, etc. by doing it! And your kids and husband won't care one bit.

I AM IRONMAN (NOT!)

2008-08-15T06:34:00.003-04:00

Recently my spin teacher disappeared for a month. I knew that he was training for some triathlon but couldn't understand why that would impact teaching our class. Then someone said he was training for the IRONMAN. Aside from the Robert Downy Jr. film, I needed some more information. After some research I discovered that the Ironman event is a 2.4 mile swim, a 112 mile bike ride and a FULL MARATHON RUN! I now put these Ironman triathletes in the same catagory as people who want to climb Mount Everest... CRAZY!

When the Ironman was finished, our gym put a sign up acknowledging his achievement and praising him for his amazing time, which was somewhere in the neighborhood of TEN AND A HALF HOURS!!! Okay, let me go on record to say that if I had 10 and a half hours of unbroken, uninterrupted time, I would probably not push my body to its very limits of endurance. Here are some of the things I would do with that kind of time:

Read a book from cover to cover

Watch all three Lord of the Rings films back to back

Go to the movies and see 4 different movies

Sleep

Two words: SPA DAY

Remove the wallpaper from my bathroom

Spend the time with 3 or 4 close friends laughing my ass off

To each his own. I have the highest admiration for someone who can do what I cannot. Now cue Ozzy Osborne: "...I AM IRONMAN..."

Vacation All I Ever Wanted......

2008-08-11T18:54:00.002-04:00

I just got back from vacation. Woo Hoo! It was really fun to get away from it all and just sit back and chill for a week with the hubby and kids. In general it was a great week...except for the torrential rain but you can't control the weather, can ya??? I had some thoughts while I was away...and these are in no particular order....

1. I do not like to go poop anywhere but on my own little home potty.

2. Not going poop on my own little potty for days on end causes major stomach problems.

3. Stomach problems are not rectified with margaritas.

4. Everyone in the world has either a piercing or a tattoo. I was shocked to see so many, many people either tatted or holed up. Gross.

5. It is possible to get sick of eating out. Seven lunches and nights of restaurant food can give you a tummy ache. See #1 for further details.

6. I never pack the right stuff. In addition to the torrential rain, it was approximately 62 degrees every day. (It's friggin August! 80's and 90's are the norm!!!) This resulted in shopping for sweatshirts, sweatpants, and jeans. Oh, and the fact that I had to get some of them at the Polo Outlet is not my fault.

7. Oh the humanity of a public pool or waterpark. I just can't get over the fact of half nude people waddling all around me. I mean, for gawds sake, these people are basically wearing underwear! If I wanted to see the world in their underwear I would be a fly...so I could be the "fly on the wall."

8. Your kids can swim in the pouring rain and think it's fun.

9. Not a great idea to take a 8 year old mildly autistic boy horseback riding.

10. Don't you just love a condo that has a washer/dryer en suite? How sweet is that?

11. Onion rings are good....very damn good.

12. The making of a good margarita requires skill and talent. Not all bartenders have it.

13. I don't like amusement park rides. They are scary and weird. Why the hell would I want to get on a flying reindeer roller coaster? Especially when the sign entering the park said "some rides may be on delay due to the inclement weather. Braking systems need to be dry." Gee, thanks. Death by reindeer. How poetic.

14. Is there anything grosser that a public bathroom? Wet. Dank. Smelly. Pee on seat. YUCK. I hate them!!!!!!!!

15. Spending 8 days with my three children and husband is worth it all. We had so much fun! Many laughs and lots of smiles. Despite rain, cold, and constipation....it was one hell of a vacation!

Remote Control Zombie Versus Remote Control Lederhosen

2008-07-23T15:12:00.001-04:00

In case you were wondering who would win such a battle...

And remote control Zombies make SUCH a nice Christmas gift!

Shame on you....

2008-07-22T18:41:00.002-04:00

Did your mother ever tell you "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." Whatever happened to that old adage?

I just saw a clip from CNN of shock jock Michael Savage pontificating on how autistic children are spoiled brats whose fathers are not around to tell them to "stop being an idiot." Wow...thanks a lot Mr. Savage! I had no idea my son was spoiled! That explains EVERYTHING! So when he screamed 14 hours a day as an infant and I held him 24/7, I was spoiling him! Of course I was. When he incessantly talks about star wars and Dice K or Indiana Jones, it's cause we don't tell him to shut up! Oh, and the fact that he disappears into his own world with his legos, flaps his hands and makes funny noises...that's my fault too. Right? Well F**K you buddy. You are an ignorant a**hole of the first degree. Come spend a week in my house with my family. Try to see the pain in your sons face when the other kids ask him why he has a "brain problem." Or why he flaps around and mutters to himself or swings endlessly (even on the bitterest winter days, or 105 degree heat). Why he NEVER wants to leave the house because it's so hard to figure out what the hell everyone wants from him. How his speech is effected and he is a "loser" for not talking right. Or the fact that when one thing goes wrong, he can have a melt down of major proportions, that can cause mind boggling screaming and crying. Oh, but he is a BRAT. How could I forget!

The first amendment is there for us all. I wouldn't silence Mr. Savage for anything. He can blow all he wants, but we can silence his advertisers. Let them know we find him utterly offensive, ridiculous, discriminatory, and completely insane. Screw you Savage. Your last name speaks for itself!

What Not To Wear

2008-07-16T18:03:00.003-04:00

Here's a little tip for those of you suffering from body esteem issues. Visit a WATER PARK! My family and I visited Canobie Lake Park this past weekend, and though my focus was the Corkscrew Coaster, my sons really love Castaway Island, the water park.

This time around, I chose to remain in my shorts and t-shirt. The water is DAMN cold and my kids are old enough to run and play while checking in with me from time to time.

This gave me ample time (key word here is AMPLE!) to view some of the sad fashion statements that people chose to make when it came to their swimwear. Too many seemed to subcribe to the let-it-all-hang-out philosophy. Perhaps they just didn't care. But in many cases, one question kept popping into my head...

Are there NO MIRRORS in your house??? Now the guy to the left with the do-lap (that's what Mr. Flossy calls it, because his belly "do lap over his wasteband...") is somewhat forgiven because he's a guy and they all think they're gods, especially when they are undressed. But the girl??? Did she honestly think a two-piece bikini was the way to go? Did she pick it out from her drawer, try it on and say to herself, "Damn, I'm hot!"????

God knows I am no bathing beauty. But when I DO venture to the beach/pool/water park, I try to be considerate of others and keep the flab covered...

Remember this summer season: Friends don't let fat friends wear bikinis!

You are really cute in person....but....

2008-07-12T14:01:00.002-04:00

I have the absolute best hairdresser in the WORLD, he is at a super fancy salon on a super fancy street in Boston. He is awesome, truly an artist. He can take one look at you and give you an amazing cut and color and you walk out of the salon feeling like a snappy go-getter, perfectly coiffed and lookin' fine.

Except..........he is brutally honest and.......... well, downright mean at times. For example.....he once told me that I was "really cute in person, but completely unphotogenic." Just like that. Meaning....I look like crap in pictures. Well....usually I take his bullshit honesty with a grain of salt...I mean this guy cuts hair for a living and all the does and thinks about is BEAUTY and MORE BEAUTY. He is surrounded by fake boobs, botox, eye lifts, tummy tucks, and hair extensions. Imperfections are not part of his world. So, I got to thinking....maybe he is right? I mean, I'm no super model or anything....but am I truly that unphotogenic? I look pretty decent in my wedding pics and some candids of us on vacation aren't too bad. Or, at least I think so....or maybe I am delusional??

I still don't have the answer....I like myself in most pictures (with the exception of the dumbass video made of me singing entirely off-tune and robotically dancing to Sweet Caroline at the Sox game, thanks a ton Flossy.)...and everyone has some pictures that don't show their best side(s), but really...who gives a crap? So what if I don't look like Elle McPherson or Linda Evangelista....cause I can tell you ONE thing I have learned. Sometimes those who looks so damn good on the glossy covers of a magazine, or amazing in all photos/vidoes really look like WEIRDOS in real life. So I am glad I look better in person ....cause really it's all about real life....not friggin pictures.

So boo to you Mr. Hairdresser. Now cut and color my hair so I look foxy! Hmmmph!

2008-07-10T19:10:00.002-04:00

Check out Mr. Flossy and Fitfreak singing Sweet Caroline at Fenway Park Tuesday night!

Do You Sudoku?

2008-07-09T13:19:00.004-04:00

I am proud to say that I completed my first sudoku puzzle the other day. Sudoku is one of those things that's all the rage now (along with Crocs, North Face jackets and Uggs) that I've managed to resist up until now while everyone around me is indulging. Granted, the North Face jackets and Uggs are not in my closet purely because of cost, and I did break down and buy a Lands End version of Crocs on sale because the dusty camp parking lot trashes my flip-flops, but still...

I was in Building 19 the other day and saw a couple perusing Sudoku puzzle books (78¢!!!) and the woman said to her husband "Put those back, those are TOO EASY!" I confessed to her (because that's what I do, strike up conversations with strangers and insinuate myself into their discussions...) that I have tried to do Sudoku and have quit because:

1) They are impossible for me
2) My brain can't do logic like that
3) My brain HURTS when I try
4) I end up feeling stupid.

Kind of like those bar puzzles where you have to unlink two steel knots, or a Rubik's cube (FYI, my older sister KICKS ASS on the Rubik's cube, can do it in like one minute!)

Anyway, the woman assured me that if I started out with the easy ones, I would get the hang of it. I bought the book (78¢ and the answers in the back!!!), brought it home and went to work. I love how the puzzles all have a little space at the bottom to write down how long it took to complete.

TWO HOURS LATER...

Warding off helpful hints from my logic-savvy husband and the temptation to peek at the answer, I was FINALLY able to complete the puzzle. I didn't feel stupid, but then again I didn't feel smart. There are about 80 more puzzles in the book, should I ever decide to attempt a SECOND try...

I think I'll get a Rubik's cube instead.

Tweet until death do us part

2008-07-07T16:06:00.003-04:00

I was driving today (yes....again.... driving that mammoth gas hogging machine) to drop my kids off at their summer camp program. In the middle of the road I spotted a small little birdie helplessly lying on its back, flapping its wings, clearly in the throws of injury and oncoming death. (it probably got hit by another gas hogging mammoth machine.)

Ya know what got me, to the core of my soul....was that on the injured bird's side was it's partner (husband or wife birdie?) cheeping away and hopping about, quite in distress. I almost started to cry. It was so damn sad. (no I am NOT pms'ing.) I tell ya, sometimes life just knocks you upside the head and sends an arrow into your heart. I think that was God telling me to stop bitching and start appreciating.

PS - on the way home the little birdie was dead. :(

One Big Blog

2008-07-06T18:21:00.004-04:00

I'm baaack! I've been getting some sh*t from friends and readers (who knew so many of you looked forward to reading Flossy's and my blog??) about why I haven't posted in some time. Well, the long and the short of it...I've been busy. Aren't we all.

But no worries my friends....I have been blogging in my mind various subjects over the past two months and instead of doing an individual blog per subject, this will be one, big, totally random blog. So here it goes....

I love summer. It's my second favorite season (Fall being my first). I love the hot, steamy weather. The long days and early morning birds (other than my kids). I love the beach, the pool, and the thought of no school, no homework, no getting the kids up and out the door by 7AM. It's all sweet, and so darn short lived. So I am going to really let this one soak in this year. Last summer sucked. I was dealing with several major personal crisises at once and nearly had a nervy b-down. It was awful. This summer, it's all about family, friends, laughter, corn on the cob, margaritas and Mike's hard lime, screened porch meals and beach days, highlights in the hair and tan legs. Viva la Summer!

I saw Joey Kramer from Aerosmith twice in two weeks. First he and his fabulous (girlfriend, wife, sig other) were in a local eatery for lunch and then again at Bertucci's for a dinner. It was comical. Not one person in either restaurant gave him a second look. Ya gotta love that about Massachusetts. We just don't give a crap about who you are....and we will NEVER stoop to ask your autograph or anything. We just like to say we saw you. Dream on Joey...Dream On!

I am so sick and tired of bratty kids in Church. Today at the 9:30Am Mass there were kids doing the following....crawling up the aisle after the gospel and homily, banging and kicking the pews endlessly, howling like a banshee in protest when Mommy left to go pee or something, wandering about the church like it's a playground for exploration. I could go on and on. It is the 9:30 CHILDREN's MASS...but that does NOT give you license to let your kid act like a complete imbecile! Jeez!

WTF is up with the gas prices? $85 or more to fill my tank with gas. And I HARDLY drive these days. Whenever I go out, I take my husband's smaller/cheaper car. Those MF's at the top who are just bilking the crap out of us are gonna get it. Karma is a bitch ladies and germs...so watch out!!!! And while we are on that subject....we just got a $741 bill for an oil delivery. A-holes.

I love to go out to eat. (This will be SEVERELY curtailed, do to gargantuan levels of costs associated with bringing your kid to the doctor, buying overpriced food at the supermarket, or doing any of those bulltoggin necessary things we all have to do to live...which all involve....DRIVING on $4.25 gas.) Anyhoo, I love someone leading me and my family/friends (whatever) to a CLEAN table, asking ME what I would like to drink, and browsing a long and splendiforous menu with all yummy things on it and then ordering what tickles my taste buds and then COOKING and BRINGING said meal to the table and everyone is HAPPY to eat it (no complaints this tastes yucky...what is this gross thing, I hate that smell...) and then they come and CLEAN it all up and I get to sashay away doing NOTHING. What a wonderful thing.

I detest summer time TV. My only complaint about summer.

Peace out people. See you all soon!

School's Out For SUMMER!

2008-06-22T08:10:00.002-04:00

WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO DO WITH MY KIDS THIS SUMMER:

Go to the beach
Go to Walden Pond
Go to the DeCordova Museum and Sculpture Park
Go to Canobie Lake Park (and ALL ride the corkscrew coaster TOGETHER!)
Go to the ICA
Ride my bike alongside my children
Encourage them to read
Turn the playhouse into a real boy's clubhouse
Continue to stimulate their minds with summer bridge activities
Take a much needed break from television and video games

WHAT I WILL PROBABLY DO WITH MY KIDS THIS SUMMER:

Go to Canobie Lake Park (and ride the corkscrew coaster alone! Chickens!)
Yell at them to stop fighting
Threaten suicide/homicide (weekly occurrence)
Pull my hair out
Run alongside Child#2 as he wobbles without training wheels (gasping for air)
Sit through 3 hours of demolition derby at the Marshfield Fair
Hold my nose in disgust when using the bathroom at the Y outdoor pool
Run around like a crazy woman because Child #2 has disappeared (weekly occurrence)
Hang onto my shit until camp starts
Rejoice at the first day of school

Suspiria US Trailer

2008-06-17T12:17:00.001-04:00

Facing our Childhood Fears

2008-06-17T08:23:00.002-04:00

When I was a child I had a love/hate relationship with fear. The thrill of a roller coaster outweighed the fact that I practially fudged my pants waiting in line to go on it. I loved to watch Creature Features every Saturday night, cultivating my relationship with Frankenstein, the Wolfman and Dracula (as well as Godzilla and Gamera). As I entered my teen years, my father fed this relationship by taking my sister and I to grown up horror films. One memorable double feature: Burnt Offerings and Demon Seed.

During one of my moviegoing outings, the trailer for Suspiria came on. The slightly off-key sing song voice and just barely evident slo-mo footage immediately tipped me off that something about this movie just wasn't right. When the woman turns to reveal...well, you'll see. I think I wet my pants. I KNOW that at future movies, when the trailer was shown I hightailed it out of the theater, waiting till it had passed before returning to my seat. One of my most vivid memories is staying up late to watch "Mary Hartman Mary Hartman" on my tiny black and white set. During a commerical break what should beging??? THE DAMNED SUSPIRIA TRAILER!

I remember shutting off the set immediately, and getting ZERO sleep that night.

Fast forward 30+ years later... The advent of the internet allowed me to do a google search for Suspiria Trailer and sure enough, YouTube had SEVERAL postings of it. My heart beat loudly as I clicked the play button on my screen. A small voice inside said 'Don't do it!" and other said "C'mon you chicken shit, you're 45!!!"

I watched the trailer. And then it hit me: Wow, that was lame.

I showed my 10 year old the trailer and he LAUGHED at me and said "THAT actually scared you?" (wse'll see if he has bad dreams tonight.)

But it taught me two lessons:

You should always face your fears, especially your old ones.
You can find ANYTHING on the internet!

My idea for a new Master Card commercial

2008-06-16T19:44:00.003-04:00

My husband had a very specific way in which he wanted to spend Father's Day. We went along with his plan and the aftermath made me think of those Master Card commercials we all love so much:

4 Person Canoe Rental: $85
2 Additional life vests: $20
Sunscreen and bug spray: $15
Picnic lunch: $20
Communing with nature with your wife and two sons : Priceless

P.S. Accidentally leaving behind 3 of the 4 rental vests and both paddles: $160!!!!

Short but sweet

2008-06-14T08:05:00.002-04:00

I apologize for the gap between posts. That being said...

Yesterday I went to my son's 4 grade memory day. In our town, children attend middle school starting with the 5th grade (!) 4th grade memory day is designed to do 3 things:

1) Applaud the 4th grader's achievements from the past five years.
2) Send them on their way to middle school.
3) Make their parents cry like babies.

As soon as the slide show and Celine Dion music began, the tears started flowing. As I watched photo after photo of my son and his friends commemorate each moment from Kindergarten through the present, I desperately tried to control the waterworks with the stash of tissues I had stuffed in my purse. My husband was able to avoid this by viewing the montage with his video editor's "eye", winicing in pain at each poorly executed music transition. The pinnacle of his pain was having to sit through "We Built This City" by Starship, voted the worst song ever made (he's a product of hippies and can't stand to see how Jefferson Airplane morphed into Starship... but that's another blog)

Following the graduation ceremony, there was a bbq for parents and children at which we marveled over how quickly our kids had gone through the 5 years of school. This is nothing new to parents, we all have trouble wrapping our minds around how fast our children grow and change.

Last night, as my husband was reading stories to my kids at bedtime (yes, we still read to them, though the 10 year old has long been able to read for himself...they just like it and so do we!) I was lying on my couch in the living room, reading a book of my own and absently fiddling with the petals of a peony on the table beside me. I had cut the peonies on Wednesday night for a get together, and here it was, two days later, falling apart at an alarming rate.

I think peonies are beautiful, fantastic smelling flowers. But like lilacs (my other favorite) they are only enjoyed for a short period of time. All too soon the blossoms curl up, or the petals fall off. The fragrance lingers in the air even after its obvious that the stems and petals should be composted.

It reminded me of my children's youth. For an all-too-brief stretch of time our children are sweet, innocent, wholly enjoyable beings. Too soon they adapt to the harsh world around us, concerning themselves with peer pressure, teacher expectations, an uncertain future as adults themselves.

Sure it would be nice if our kids were like carnations, a flower that can hold its shape and fragrance for an unbelievable length of time (too long if you ask me). But the carnation isn't that pretty, nor does it smell that nice. Its actually one of those flowers that I feel guilty throwing away because it stays fresh long after I get sick of looking at it.

So my kids are peonies and lilacs. Sweet, intense, beautiful and a joy of nature. Like the peony, I need to enjoy my children's youth while I have it, since before I know it they will be moving on to teenage and adult years. Sure, they will still be my loving, incredible children, but that intense period of youth will fall aside like the petals of the flowers I enjoy so much, too fast, too soon.

Imaginary Friends Redux

2008-05-24T13:12:00.002-04:00

Last night my 10 year old son lost a tooth while brushing before bed. We placed it in a plastic bag, stuffed it under his pillow (along with a note he wrote to the tooth fairy, asking her just what she does with all those teeth) and put him to sleep.

Then we watched a movie and promptly fell asleep as well.

This morning we woke to the sound of my son crying. At first we thought he was having a bad dream, and then it all made sense.

WE FORGOT TO BE THE TOOTH FAIRY!

As I mentioned in a previous blog, this has happened once before. At that time, it was January and we had the handy excuse of too many kids staying up too late to watch the Super Bowl.

Now what?

My husband can't believe that a 10 year old would still believe in the tooth fairy. I assured my son that we should just put the tooth under the pillow again tonight and he would get his money.

Then came the question:

"Are you the tooth fairy Mommy?"

I looked my son in the eye and asked him to repeat himself.

"Are you the tooth fairy Mommy?"

I looked at him again and said "Do you want the truth?"

Pause... "No Mommy."

"Okay", I said, "let's put your tooth under the pillow again tonight and we'll see what happens."

Let's face it, learning the truth about the tooth fairy only leads to learning about the Easter Bunny and Santa Clause.

Don't ask don't tell works for more than just the US Army.

SALE!

2008-05-21T10:11:00.002-04:00

What is it about we women, we absolutely LOVE a sale? They say that men are the hunters and gatherers, and that we are the nesters. Some of those hunting and gathering genes made their way into our female DNA because I don't know a single woman who doesn't love hunting for a bargain. And not only that, we have to BROADCAST it!

Yesterday I complimented a friend on her nifty green jacket. "Thanks!" she replied, "I got it for 50% off at the Talbots' outlet."

Men don't get why we do this. Yes, common sense dictates that we should allow people to appreciate our purchases and assume that we have both fine taste in clothing, accessories and home furnishings AND that we have the financial standing to back it up.

We are much more interested in letting each other know about our bargain hunting prowess. When I commented on this to my friend with the nifty jacket, she said "Yeah, you'll never hear someone accept a compliment with 'Thanks, I paid WAY too much for it!'" (unless of course you're one of the real housewives of Orange County)

It's not enough we got a bargain. We have to elaborate on just how much the item would have been had we purchased it full price, how many times it was discounted and how much MORE was taken off the purchase. And if we have an additional coupon in the process: JACKPOT!

Not only are we happy to share our bargain stories with each other, we will go out of our way to help our fellow female hunter/gatherers get the same deal! My good friend "M" emails me links to shoes in my freakishly large size that are on clearance (so thoughtful!) If we see something we know a friend wants on sale, we call them immediately or grab it quickly and purchase it for them (hey, you can always return it!) And this generosity is not limited to our good friends. TOTAL STRANGERS HELP EACH OTHER OUT IF IT MEANS GETTING A DISCOUNT!

Case in point: Yesterday I shopped for a bathing suit in the Lands End section of Sears. Although I knew that I needed a well-made bathing suit that would carry me through the summer (pool, beach, etc.) I was spurred into action by the fact that the Lands End suits were all 30% off. I got to chatting with another woman in the swimsuit section (yes, I will talk to ANYONE!) and as we approached the register, I let her make her purchase first. Well wouldn't you know, she had a coupon for $25 off her Lands End purchase. When I commented on how lucky she was to have such a coupon, the clerk (thinking we were fast friends and shopping buddies) said, "You can use it more than once if you like". Well, my new friend turned around, handed me the coupon and I got $25 of MY order too! TOTAL STRANGER! I thanked her, gave her the coupon back, asked her name and told her to have a great day. So THANK YOU MARY BETH FROM WEYMOUTH!

You've heard of the brotherhood of men?
It 'aint nothing compared to the sisterhood of bargain shoppers!

Lucky 13

2008-05-20T18:44:00.002-04:00

It boggles my mind that 13 years ago today I said "I do" to the most amazing man I have been fortunate enough to meet. It seems like yesterday we were planning our wedding, choosing menu selections and picking out flowers.

And here we are, 13 years later, suburban homeowners, 2 kids, firmly entrenched in middle age.

Where did the time go?

My husband is my best friend and although we get caught up in the day to day minutiae of house/kids/bills/work, I sometimes have to stop and remind myself that the man who shares my bed each night is still the funniest, smartest, cleverest, most thoughtful person on the planet.

Some friends comment on how little husband-bashing I engage in. Another says that she thinks my husband and I are the happiest couple she knows. Is our marriage perfect? Far from it. Does it need work? Always. Do we quit when things get tough. Never.

When things start to bug me (as you all know they do) and I start to stress about car repairs and camp fees and calls from the principal, I need to just take a breath and realize that when my better half comes home, no matter what the issue, we will tackle it together.

Happy Anniversary Mr. Flossy! I LOVE YOU!

Mother to one, mother to all...

2008-05-19T07:19:00.003-04:00

Did you ever notice... (yikes, I sound like ANDY ROONEY!)

Let me start again:

I've discovered that in my mothering of two children, I have suddenly become a mother to the world.

Yes, your DNA changes when you have children. Your eyesight becomes sharper (you can see behind you, through walls and under tables and know immediately what your children are doing...)

Like the member of a S.W.A.T. team, your senses become more accute and aware. When your child moves from your side in a store or on a beach, you are immediately aware of this and perform a military-style sweep of the area until your child is located.

When a child coughs in the middle of the night, you are instantly awake and rushing to his side. When they are about to vomit, you get there in DOUBLE TIME.

But these reactions are not limited to my own children.

If I am out shopping, I will suddenly cringe when I hear a particularly nasty cough coming out of the mouth of someone else's child. Having heard too many coughs come out of my asthmatic son's mouth, I can't help but empathize.

At a Pampered Chef show this past weekend, not only did I hear that same cough, but I heard that familiar hmmmmmmmm of the nebulizer we've used for so many years. Since we've mostly retired our nebulizer, it was somewhat nostalgic (and somewhat disturbing) to hear that again.

When a child cries in honest pain or suffering, my heart breaks. When I see a child being mean to another child (not mine) I still want to admonish them to be kind to each other.

The only exception to this rule is when I am out in public and hear a child having a screaming meltdown. At that point, I just smile sympathetically at the mother and wander away, happy that this is someone else's nightmare for a change.

The other day, while my children were at school, I went to a sub shop to pick up a sandwich for lunch. There were several young men in line ahead of me, laborers by the look of them, probably in their early twenties. One was munching on a bag of potato chips, waiting to place his order. He dropped a chip on the floor, picked it up, looked around for a trash can (there was none) looked around again and at this point I blurted out "DON'T EAT THAT!" He smiled sheepishly and said "I was just thinking about that, since I couldn't find a garbage can". Then his friends started in on him:

"I'll give you a dollar to eat that! C'mon, a dollar man! Do it! Do it! Do it!

And of course, the guy popped the chip into his mouth and ate it. He smiled at me and said "Hey, a dollar's a dollar."

Mother to the World.

A mother's value....

2008-05-11T09:43:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I saw an article regarding what a stay-at-home mom's value is in terms of salary..........$117,000 per year. Now what do you all think of that? Honestly, I believe there is no way you can put a monetary value on what we mom's do (working or stay at home). It's endless, sometimes thankless, and certainly...priceless.

So for all those times......

you chase a two year old around while trying to get some laundry put away,

you wake in the middle of the night to a coughing, puking, or high fevered child,

you listen to the heartbreak of a girl or boy's first love,

you clean-up and pick-up... not only the kid's underwear, but your husband's too,

you do endless laundry, shopping and cleaning so your family has a nice home,

you volunteer for every school event or field trip,

you cook meals that no one will eat...YUCK..what is this?,

you rock a sick baby whose cries cannot tell you what is wrong with them (ear infection, gas, tired???),

you pack up a family and take them to the beach, park, hotel for some family fun,

you drive them to a friends house every day or a friend comes over every day,

you deliver the forgotten homework assignment, lunch or project,

you have a never ending supply of hugs and kisses,

did you ever think you could love someone so much as your children?

Happy Mother's Day!!!

Weight...Loss...

2008-05-04T15:16:00.007-04:00

This week I was devastated to lose a very dear companion. We have been together for a while now, and while it's always hard to be with someone who tells you the brutal truth, when they are gone it leaves a hole that nothing else can fill.

This week I lost my scale.

Actually, LOST is not the right word, it was forcibly taken from me. A good friend who has ridden the weight loss roller coaster with me came over and took it from under my dresser. Why did she take it? BECAUSE FITFREAK TOLD HER TO!

Why did she take it? Her thought was that if I didn't have a scale with which to OBSESSIVELY weigh myself, I would be forced to keep track of the food I put in my mouth or suffer the consequences.

Talk about breaking hard habits. Kicking the smoking habit was NOTHING compared to this. My morning routine was RUINED! Wake up, pee, remove pajamas, get on scale, replace pajamas, grab coffee. Now it's just wake up, pee, wonder what my weight might be and then head straight for the coffee.

To continue with the smoking analogy (because not too long ago I was a smoker too, traded one compulsion for another...) Those of you who smoked, do you remember how a nice meal just wasn't complete without a cigarette afterwards? Well the same holds true of my scale. When I come from the bathroom after a particularly satisfying poop (yeah, TMI, I know!) I would immediately strip and get BACK ON THE SCALE to see how many ounces I shed. The same holds true of exercising. Go for a good walk/run/spin/aerobics class. Get on the scale.

So here I am, scale-less and wondering just where I stand before heading to the official scale at WW this week. Should I sneak into the YMCA locker room and see what that one says? Should I pay a quarter for those HIGHLY ACCURATE scales you see in the foyer of K-Mart? Should I break into my friend's house and try to weight myself while she's out doing errands?

Or maybe...maybe I should just stop stuffing my face full of crap and let the chips (CHIPS!) fall where they may when I get to weight watchers.

Sigh. Goodbye old friend. I miss you more than you'll ever know.

Breakfast: It's What's For Dinner!

2008-04-29T08:28:00.004-04:00

How many moms out there feel like they are running a restaurant? Oooo, I see EVERYONE is raising their hands (yes, I can see you, the miracle of the internet!)

Last night Fitfreak and I had a conversation about dinner. What prompted this was the fact that I had had the stomach bug and was still pretty tired and just not mentally prepared to deal with the evening meal. I had asked my husband (via phone) if he thought it would be all right if I just ordered a pizza to be delivered for them. His response:

(LOOOOOOONNNNNGGG PAUSE) "Uh, okay".

Clearly it was not okay, and when I asked him why the hesitation he said "Well, didn't they just have Burger King on Friday?"

Granted, I don't want my kids eating fast food day after day. But for the love of God, I was sidelined with the stomach bug (to be fair, no puking, just chills, headache, stomach ache, nausea, body aches and exhaustion). I know it may not seem like much, but making dinner for my family is a HUGE venture. Why?

One child likes rice but doesn't like potatoes. The other likes potatoes but doesn't like rice. My husband has SEVERE FOOD ALLERGIES. And I am trying to lose weight. My kids like roasted chicken but not chicken breasts made on the grill or any other way. My older son likes spaghetti, nachos, tacos, sausage soup, steak and hamburgers. THAT'S IT! My younger son is more adventurous. He will try a variety of foods. Plus, my husband doesn't get home till almost the children's bedtime. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Some nights I'm tempted to just give them a PB&J and be done with it (though the younger one needs it without the "J". AAARRGGGH!) But then a friend's voice comes back to haunt me: "You need to give your kids a hot meal every night!"

And that's where Breakfast comes in! Nothing better for dinner than fryin' up some bacon and making pancakes. It's hot! It's fresh. Everyone will eat it (okay, I won't but I can always have a salad!) and it also has NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE WHATSOEVER!

Personally, I think the pizza would have been better.

Free Range Kids

2008-04-27T13:17:00.002-04:00

Have you heard this story yet? A mom from NY City allowed her 9 year old son to take the subway home from a department store in the Upper East Side to Manhattan, by himself. She calls it.."free range kids" and insists that she did nothing to put him in danger and was allowing her son to use his independence and skills of maturity. Huh. She also insists that we, as a society, are far too overprotective of our children. Huh, again. This got me thinking. Am I too overprotective of my three children? Well, maybe a bit. I don't allow them to walk on busy streets alone, they are not allowed to have friends in the house if I am not here, they accompany me and stay with me inside stores, and I insist my husband take my boys to the mens room so they don't meet some sicko molester in the Wal-Mart men's bathroom.

On the other hand, I allow my 9 year old son to run to his friend's house in the neighborhood (ditto with the other kids), he has an air soft pellet gun, he has a electric motorcycle that goes 7 MPH, my daughter can stay home for short periods of time while I run an errand or drop a sibling off at a play date, my youngest (who has Asperger's Syndrome) is allowed to walk to the mailbox by himself (around the corner and out of my view) and also to the neighbor's to play. They sometimes sit in the car while I run into a store to purchase bread or milk (all three are in the car at once...safety in numbers?). I've drilled them all on what to do if approached by someone they don't know..... screaming, clawing, kicking, biting...my daughter has a cell phone so I can keep tabs on her. But is this all TOO PROTECTIVE?

I was reminiscing about my youth. I grew up in a large family, I was #5 out of 6 kids. We lived in a small seaside community and had neighbors who also had large families. We would run through the neighborhood (we did live on a pretty busy street, but had a nice side street that was less traveled and perfect for hide and seek, bike riding etc.). We would spend hours and hours outside and I rarely remember my mother scanning the hood looking for us. She was too busy keeping house for 8 people. The laundry alone! Yikes!

One evening during my bookclub, we had a remember when you were a kid and your parents let you did________. I am proud to say that I won that little contest. How? Well, my sweet and well meaning mother would drop myself and my older and younger brother off at the local beach. I think we were ages 11, 9, and 7 respectively. We had a giant inner tube from the local truck garage. We would get on that inner tube and FLOAT DOWN THE BEACH for OVER A MILE to the next beach and there would be mom, ready to pick us up!!!! I am NOT JOKING...although she seems to have forgotten this and claims it untrue. Never mind we could have been sucked out in to the Atlantic and never seen again....or who knows what else. The book club girls were aghast! We also heard stories of walking 10 or 15 minutes to the local store to pick up a pack of cigarettes for mom or candy to fill our guts. Guilty on that one too! I have to laugh when I think of these stories....because you would EVER let your kids buy you a pack of butts or drop them off at the beach to float to another beach or walk to the local store to buy candy and chips? Hah! Yeah, right!

Maybe we are too overprotective....but I can assure you, my 9 year old will NOT be taking the subway any time soon.

They Blinded me with SCIENCE!

2008-04-17T17:12:00.002-04:00

Ah, the science fair. Or as I like to call it, the 2 hour event where my children run around and look at everyone ELSE's project (especially if there is a volcano involved) while I stand like an idiot in front of their project explaining to all the OTHER children who aren't at THEIR projects how a PAPER CLIP CAN FLOAT (hint: It's called Surface Tension)

WHY WHY WHY???? I know they think it's cool! I know they love to participate. One year, the 4th graders made a CATAPULT and you can imagine how that went over with the teachers (like the proverbial lead balloon...as a matter of fact, I think they tried to launch a lead balloon along with a sandwich, a sneaker and about a thousand other things).

Meanwhile, the parents stand around socializing, complaining about the heat and the noise and the crazy kids and for GOD'S SAKE, is it 8:30 ALREADY SO WE CAN GO HOME???

Meanwhile the principal, God love her, goes around to each child's project and asks them to explain what they did. She then hands them a trophy and a certificate which is cherished and then stuck on the shelf to collect dust with all the other unwarranted trophies (but more about that ANOTHER time! I have TWO trophies, one I got for coming in third in a ski race and the other from a video I produced in college. My 10 year old has, oh lets see, about TEN!)

All for the love of science. I sure hope someone ELSE is growing mold this year! I just lOVE seeing those crusty pieces of bread and cheese with green and blue fuzz all over them. When I did a science fair in Jr. High School, I remember a friend did a disection of a fetal pig (my poor mother picked the wrong day to bring me a ham sandwich for lunch!) There will be the obligatory baking soda volcanoes, about a thousand Tornadoes in a Bottle, a few lemon/potato-powered clocks (they never seem to work, do they?) Then there will be my 10 year old with his Lego Robotics crew. They've programmed the robot to disco dance to the C&C Music Factory song "Gonna Make You Sweat". My 7 year old will be demonstrating how to make the paper clips float.

For this I am giving up a night of Survivor??

Ugggggg

2008-04-15T07:46:00.002-04:00

My daughter asked for a pair of those oh so fashionable (umm, not really) UGG boots for her birthday. (She is 11) We had already sprung for the cell phone so she hit Grandma up for the boots. $160 dollars later and me rolling my eyes to heaven and above...she was in those boots made for walking...lookin' saucy.

Fast forward one month later...I had to run outside quickly and the only shoes available were the UGGS. I put them on, found that they FIT me (scary her 11 year old foot and my 37 year old foot are the same size) and most amazingly they were the most friggin comfortable footwear I have EVER experienced in my life. It truly was like walking on a cloud! Soft, warm, squishy...oh yeah, baby....everything that they claimed to be.

So, I decide I am going to get my own pair of UGGs...even though I really do think they are sort of UGG-ly. But whatever.....fashion vs. comfort? Comfort can win out sometimes, right? I do some research on the web and am about to plunk down the $160 for a cute little pair of Black UGG shorts. Weeeee! I am psyched. Uh-oh.....just as I am about to click "place order"....I get called away from the computer to break-up a full-fledged lego fight. Sigh, I never got to order the UGGS. Well, funny thing happened. I ended up wearing my daughter's UGGs the next day to run a few errands. I went to bed and the next morning I woke up with a mega rash up and down my legs. I am ALLERGIC TO UGGS. WTF? Who would have thought? I've always been the "wool bothers me makes me itchy kinda gal"....but a rash after wearing sheepskin boots? Mental. All I can say is I am real glad that lego fight happened, otherwise my daughter would have ended up with a cute pair of black/short UGGS and I would be $160 in the hole.

45 and still alive!

2008-04-07T08:19:00.004-04:00

I am 45 today. What does this mean?

1) 25 years ago I was 20 (!) 25 years from now I will be 70!!!
2) I will have to check a different box on surveys that ask your age range.
3) I am on the "hump year" of my 40's (kind of like Wednesday is the hump day of the work week,...)
4) I am in the WORST physical shape of my life. Lovely
5) Menopause is right around the corner, beckoning me with a crooked finger.
6) I am 15 years away from a discounted cup of coffee at McDonald's.
7) I am 10 years away from qualifying for membership in AARP!
8) I am most DEFINITELY middle aged! If I live to be 90, that is.
9) I can finally appreciate all the complaints of aches and pains my parents have been grumbling about all these years.

10) And the most important part of being 45 is...

I have an amazing family, incredible friends, a wonderful life, all my mental faculties and I have rediscovered my love of writing after too many dormant years.

So here's to being 45! It's sure better than the alternative!

In the Blink of an Eye

2008-04-05T08:03:00.003-04:00

Ten years ago this minute I was lying in a hospital bed, cursing my husband (silently) and wondering how the hell they were going to get his BABY OUT OF MY BODY!!!

Today, that baby is ten! TEN!

Yes, people tell you to cherish every moment because childhood is fleeting (but apparently adolescence seems to last freakin' FOREVER!) It's hard to cherish those wont-go-to-sleep-dig-in-your-heels-and throw-a-tantrum-hey-Mom-I'm-projectile-vomiting-sorry I put chewing-gum-in-my-brother's-hair-moments. I am all too guilty of wishing my kids were a little bit older, a little more independent, a little less needy.

Shame on me.

The birthday boy kissed me today (yay, 10 years old and still kissing his mother goodbye!) and walked off to his first soccer game of the season. As I noticed the top of his head at my EYE LEVEL, I realized that 6 years from now he will be driving. 8 years from now he will vote. 11 years from now he will be able to drink.

I am NOT one of those mothers that needs a baby fix every other year (thus ending up with 5 or 6 children or, gulp, 10 or 12!!!) All attitude aside (and yes, I'm already getting PLENTY OF THAT!) I enjoy my children more now that they are older. Instead of trying to figure out why they are upset or angry or frustrated, they can JUST TELL ME!

I know it will be only a few short years until communication ceases altogether (the aforementioned teenage years), so I am going to try to follow the advice I've been given.

Cherish every single moment.
Happy Birthday Xander!

The Differences Between Friends

2008-04-03T07:58:00.004-04:00

My good friend and I are so alike in many ways:

We hail from the same state. I moved here 26 years ago (WOW!) when I attended college, she moved here more recently after her husband transferred jobs. That home state connection is a strong bond between us, in that both of us travel back throughout the year to visit family and friends. We often travel on the same dates, and once we were on the same highway returning home, a mere 30 exits apart.

We both have FOOD ISSUES! She and I have tried any number of hair-brained schemes to lose weight and get in shape ("back on track" are our three most repeated and most HATED words!) We've done Weight Watchers together, worked out together, done fitness challenges together... When we are good, we share low-point recipes and suggestions. When we are bad we regale each other with our food binges, each of us cheering the other on when we've hit a new high (or low as the case may be)in the amount of peanut butter M&Ms consumed.

We both enjoy movies! We love nothing better than sneaking off together in the middle of the school day and watching some awesome (or awesomely BAD!)movie. We'll both smuggle in our ziploc bag of popcorn and our contraband soda (and if we're are OFF TRACK then a large bag of twizzlers or the aforementioned peanut butter M&Ms). With some friends I feel obliged to sit silently through the movie, but this friend and I feel completely free to rank on any and every impossible plot twist in whatever we are seeing!

Case in point...We saw "Vantage Point" yesterday. Not to give anything away (SPOILER ALERT!) but these terrorists spend the entire movie killing about fifty billion people in a most UNBELIEVABLE plot. At the end of the movie, they are racing to get away through the streets of Spain in an ambulance and they suddenly see a little girl standing in the middle of the road. The evil she-terrorist shrieks "Watch Out!" while the evil male terrorist cuts the steering wheel sharply, missing the little girl and swerving wildly out of control! I yelled, "Oh right, let's not hit the little girl!" while my friend yelled "Yeah, we've only just killed everyone else in this movie already!"

You can't beat that kind of kismet.

But while we have so many similarities, it is our differences that I often dwell on.

I have always cared too much about what people think. This self-consciousness has impacted nearly every aspect of my life. I'm not complaining, I've managed to adopt a more "who cares" attitude as I advance through middle age.

My friend, on the other hand, will not hesitate to speak her mind regardless of the situation. She recently told me that she took a gas station attendant to task when he was speaking on his cell phone while pumping her gas. While I probably would have just crossed my fingers and hoped for no explosion, she pointedly told him to end his call. WHen he didn't she threatened to start the car and drive off with THE PUMP STILL ATTACHED! When he protested that she had a better chance of being hit by lightning than by her car catching fire from a spark at the pump, her reply was "If I want to take that chance I will, but I'm not going to let you take a chance with MY life!"

She is a fierce advocate for her children. She will not back down from any teacher, counselor, karate instructor or other mother when it concerns the health, safety and well being of her children. I'd like to think that I would act accordingly with my children in similar situations, but I know myself too well. I act as an advocate for my children too, but that little voice in the back of my mind is always there, warning me not to be a nudge because otherwise people won't like me!

My friend also has a kindness and a generousness of spirit which I completely admire (even if I can't understand it!) If I'm driving and someone gives me the finger, I fantasize about running them off the road and making a break for it. My friend blows them a kiss instead.

Recently, while grocery shopping she realized she had forgotten her store discount card and asked the clerk (an elderly man) if he had a card at his register he could run through instead (most of the clerks do!). He flat out refused and while they went back and forth for a time, she ended up not getting her sale prices When she told me this story, I was OUTRAGED! I railed about how awful the clerk was, how inconsiderate, what an evil, petty person! My friend just sighed and said ,"Who knows, maybe he just found out some awful news about his wife." (I would have been plotting my revenge with a grocery cart after store hours.)

In spinning the other day, she was too late to get a spot in the class. I was disappointed, but my disappointment quickly turned to anger, then rage when the bike next to me, which had a water bottle and a sweatshirt draped on it, remained EMPTY for the first 15 minutes of class. (Someone else who had been shut out poked her head into the room and I told her to take the bike, dammit!) When I told my friend about this afterwards, again, I worked myself up into a frenzy, damning whomever would be so thoughtless to claim that bike for themselves and not use it!(or for someone else...I'm still not convinced it wasn't someone in class claiming a bike for a friend...) My friend turned to me and said, "Maybe something came up that prevented them from spinning. You don't know."

I guess you would call this kind of attitude optimism, but I always lump that word in with the whole glass half empty/half full debate. My friend is always willing to give the other person the benefit of the doubt. She assumes the best about total strangers instead of the worst. To my knowledge, the only two people she has EVER expressed a negative opinion about are Oprah Winfrey (she HATES that Oprah is on the cover of her own magazine EVERY month) and Rachel Ray ("...overexposed, annoying voice and her hands are as big as catcher's mitts...").

I wish I could be more like my friend. I told her this and to my surprise she launched into all the ways that she admires me where she falls short (knowledge of current events, computer savvy, and my ability to embrace things head on).

This made me realize that it is our similarities that initially bring us together, but it is our differences that make our friendships interesting.

Here's to ALL of my incredible friends!

Orange You Glad You Read This???

2008-04-02T07:38:00.003-04:00

There was a carrot in my spinning class today.

Let me just start by stating that my spinning class begins at 6:00 A.M. Typically, Mr. Flossy is the one who gets up and goes to the gym in the early morning before work. However, one morning a week (and ONLY one morning a week!) I haul my fat, lazy ass out of bed so I can spin early and get my workout done. That leaves me all the time that the kids are in school to do the OTHER things that need to get done.

Originally, my friend Katy taught the 6am class, and I swore that I would never get my ass out of bed that early for anyone else. But then her schedule changed and she couldn't do 6am anymore (hooray! an excuse not to get up so early!) A new instructor took over. His music is great, his class is as challenging as any I've taken before and I soon realized that I would still be rolling out of bed, groping for coffee at the crack of dawn one morning a week.

Here is the downside to the class:

While there are still a handful of "regulars" left over from Katy's class, there are now a greater number of taut, lean hardbodies spinning away at ridiculous RPMs with little effort. Turns out, many of them are members of an elite club of triathletes, and this class apparently is part of their training. So while my buddies and I huff and puff through the class, trying desparately not to vomit, these freaks (come on now, what else would you call someone whose heart rate probably doesn't even hit 100 bpm while grinding out 200 RPMs at heavy tension?)glide through, guzzling down bottle after bottle of powerade and vitamin water, blotting their over-sweaty bodies with their Shape Magazine towels (and yet there are still pools of sweat on the floor under their bike..EWWW!)

Anyway, back to the carrot.

There is a woman who attends this class religiously, I have never seen her miss one yet. She is thin, taut, cut without an ounce of fat on her body. Her hair is usually pulled back in a neat braid, and though she sweats like a racehorse during class (I saw a sweat droplet hanging off her nose this morning for 1/2 a song!) she looks like she could spin for HOURS and not get tired. She sits diagonally to me and I can't help but envy how healthy and athletic she looks. Not too skinny, not too muscular, exactly what every woman would want to achieve. DAMN HER!

Then today I happened to notice that she was a peculiar shade of ORANGE! Given that it is still early spring, I came to the following conclusions:

She went on vacation recently, somewhere warm.
She invested heavily in a local tanning salon and is taking her dividends in spray or tanning bed sessions.
She bought a case of self-tanner and took a bath in it last night.

Now I am HOPING that its option #3, because I have heard that the spray tan at salons can be hazardous to your organs. We all know that exposing yourself to extended tanning sessions in either UV beds or the sun can cause skin damage.

It made me wonder:

Wouldn't it be the height of irony to be in such amazing shape that you could run/swim/bike forever without growing tired? To have a body the envy of all around you? And to end up with a melanoma because you just HAD to go for that extra tanning session?

I may be lazy. I may be overweight. But dammit, at least this blobby body of mine is as WHITE as the underbelly of a fish! I may kick the bucket from any number of other ailments, but it WON'T be from skin cancer.

Ride on oh mighty carrot, ride on!

No More Words

2008-03-31T18:38:00.004-04:00

I was in Victoria's Secret today buying a pair of panties (by the way, Mr. Flossy is gonna LOVE 'em!) and it got me thinking about a couple of friends of mine who are TOTALLY freaked out by the word...

Panties.

Huh. When I first heard this, I of course immediately started saying the word "panties" out loud over and over just to see their reaction. One put her finger in her ears, the other cringed and threw up her hands in a very Charles Nelson Reilly kind of way. These girls are sisters, by the way, and in addition to this weird quirk, they also have phobias about, respectively, coins and Teletubbies.

But that's a blog for another day!

Getting back to the word panties. (I'm sure they are cringing right now if they happen to be reading this blog!)

Their OTHER sister, a good friend of mine, told me that she isn't thrilled with the word panties, but she doesn't have as violent a reaction to it as she does to the word "squat". Unfortunately, she happened to reveal this to me while in the car with my older son. With his empathetic nature inherited from his mother, my son immediately started saying "squatsquatsquatsquatsquatsquat".

After polling a few OTHER friends, I've compiled a list of words that my friends really don't like:

Ointment
Salve
Tunic
Folks
Bisque
Creamy
One-Cup (?)
Scrotum (can't blame her for THAT one!)

Personally, I don't care for the words smock, buttocks or pinnies (as in, "We're going to have a scrimmage between this team and that team, would one team please put these pinnies on).

I would prefer that you cover up your buttocks with a smock or a pinnie!

If anyone out there has any words that really set their teeth on edge, please feel free to post them to the comments section. I'd love to know that there are other freaks out there, just like us!

Fight the Good Fite (ha ha!)

2008-03-29T13:34:00.005-04:00

Apparently, Fitfreak and I aren't the only ones peeved by cutesy signs and GRIEVOUS misspellings! I read in the Boston Globe today that there are two men traveling across country trying to fix signs with spelling and grammatical errors. Armed with white-out, markers, ink, pens and tape, Jeff Deck and Benjamin Herson are traveling to California and back, moving apostrophes and making sure that everyone gets their just desserts (NOT DESERTS!)

"I figured, Steinbeck had his dog and Kerouac had his drugs. I'd have my typos," said the 28-year-old Deck of what he calls his Typo Hunt Across America tour.

My other favorite quote from Deck was this: It's easy to overlook and dismiss the misuse of apostrophes," he said. "But there came a point when I couldn't hold it anymore. I decided to make this a national campaign, although I was kind of looking for an excuse to travel around the country anyway."

I watched "Into The Wild" on the return plane trip from London (YES, I"M STILL TALKING ABOUT MY TRIP!) If you're not familiar with this film, it is based on the book of the same name about a young man named Christopher McCandless (aka Alexander Supertramp. Why name yourself after one of the LAMEST bands in 70's music???) Upon his college graduation, McCandless decided to give away what was left of his college fund to Oxfam, BURNED all of his pocket cash, ditched his car, and then, without any communication with his parents or sister, hitchhiked around the United States (not to mention illegally entering and exiting Mexico) and then had the monumentally brainless idea to hike out into the Alaskan Wilderness and live off the land.

A noble endeavor? A fool's errand? I can appreciate McCandless' idea of rejecting his affluent upbringing and wanting to lead a life of meaning. Unfortunately, he died alone in a broken down bus, trapped and starving in the Alaskan wilderness. (according to the Boston Globe movie review, apparently many Alaskans view McCandless as an "...idiot of classic proportions".

All that, and the bus where McCandless died has become a tourist attraction.

This got me thinking. When my children are old enough to leave the nest (thank God, that's a good 8-10 years away!) would I want them to pursue a life less shallow, as Christopher McCandless did, or would I want them hunting for stray typos and apostrophes across this great nation?

I'm willing to pay for the white-out myself.

Check out the link above to see Deck and Herson's trip across country.

Why? Why? Why?

2008-03-25T16:41:00.004-04:00

I have an unusual name....or at least I thought it was unusual, and it was certainly not common during the 1970's when I grew up. All my gal pals were named Amy, Jennifer, Laura, Cindy, Melissa etc. Nice normal, easily pronounceable names. My name wasn't exactly in the top baby names of the era. BUT....all of my siblings had unusual names, named after far flung Irish relatives, grandparents, aging aunts....so I had plenty of shoulders to cry on if need be.

Personal note.....NOW...I love my name. I was named after my mother...and happy for it! It matches my sparkling and fabulous personality!

But what is in a name? I have a very dear friend who works in the maternity area of a local hospital. She regales me with hysterical stories of what some new moms are naming their babies.....and these are honest to god true....

Lemon Jello

Orange Jello

Precious Princess

Fenway

Female (pronounced Femahle)

Male (pronounced Mahle)

Ebony

Ivory

Cam'ron

Bitchy Itchy

Gladiator

Placenta

Lil Trash which turned into Letisha after threats of DSS getting involved.

And so many, many more. Some of them are well, culturally influenced, so the spelling and pronunciation can be different...but still!!! How the hell is Lemon Jello going feel when he is called upon at the dentists office or over the loud speaker in school?

"Will Lemon Jello please report to the office." "Lemon Jello, your plane is now boarding. "Repeat- Passenger Lemon Jello, Flight 216 is now boarding. " "Lemon Jello, the doctor will see you now." C'mon! Are people this silly or just downright cruel?

I am convinced now more than ever that my unusual name isn't so unusual after all! Thanks Mum!

The Oprahphication of America

2008-03-23T19:30:00.003-04:00

I have a been a Oprah watcher for appx twenty years. I can remember the days when I was 17 and I would slug home from High School and sit down, tune in and watch the latest schadenfreude of someone else's life. I've seen it all. Her weight loss, her weight gain. Her weight gain, her weight loss. Her stories on all aspects of American life...the good, the bad and the ugly.

It is recently that I have tired of Oprah. It's not been an easy revelation, I mean I have been a devotee for 20 years!!!....but one I have unfortunately come to. Here are some thoughts on the Oprah of 2008.

1. I am sick to death of Oprah promoting herself and her damn magazine...which she is ALWAYS on the cover of.

2. I am tired of your constant brown nosing/sucking up of celebrities that are your BFF's and the movies they are promoting. I mean, I'm all for helping out a friend....but does it have to be EVERY DAY that we are subjected to Tom, Katie, Celine, Bernie Mac, Julia, George, Jen, Halle, Denzel, so on and so on?? I don't really care about these people and their newest and greatest movie, the amount of pure energy and effort they put into their latest role and how damn hard it is being a celebrity and all that other crap. Basically they are BORING and to a degree FAKE. Every movie that they are carping about...you can be sure to hear Oprah say "oh, and audience, was this not the BEST movie you have ever seen?? Applause, hooting, applause, shrieking, applause." Really now, how can they all be the BEST? Some SUCKED. But I guess she can't say that.

3. I am done with the goody two shoes give your entire life over to being a perfect and giving person. I don't need a preacher or a sermon from you...I go to church for that. Not to be a total bitch...I know what she is trying to get at...and I admire it....but does it have to be EVERY third show? I mean I am totally all for the Girls School in Africa, the Angel Network and her new show The Big Give. But again, every THIRD show? I want smut and drama!

4. I am sooooooooooooooooooo sick of the let's find out every little thing that is wrong with ourselves, like when we stubbed our pinky toe when we were 2 and your brother called you a stupid idiot, and now you are overweight, jobless, living on $90K in credit card debit, and your boyfriend is a loser and you blame it all on that PINKY TOE. Self reflection is just that......for your SELF.

5. Do you remember when Oprah was sued for the meat thing by the Texas Cattle people? They were mad that Oprah said she wouldn't eat beef and they claimed she caused millions of people to not buy beef. I have a theory on the current economic downturn....Oprah has repeatedly told us to simplify our lives, stop spending money on dumb things (which I agree on), get rid of all credit card debt etc. Perhaps the haus fraus etc. of America are listening and acting and that is why we are in a probable recession? Seems kinda crazy...but just think about it for a second. Hmmmmm....could be a small correlation??

6. The last good show I happened to catch on Oprah was when Dr. Oz was on and she had on the guy whose skin turned BLUE from having too much of a chemical in his diet. Now, that was INTERESTING! Oprah, I want the real stories back on her show...the life and death situations, the funny stories, the sad stories, all the things of REAL LIFE.

I will NOT be tuning in to watch that philanderer Billy Joel and his new 26 year old wife tomorrow. Yet another celebrity bow down from the Queen of Media. No thanks.

I wonder who Dr. Phil has on?

Stories from my past...

2008-03-22T11:02:00.002-04:00

I was driving to my parents house yesterday with my kids in the car and listening to some of the LAMEST music on my iPod. I admit it, I am a junkie for bad 70's pop. Luckily for my kids, they had headphones tuned in to whatever DVD they were watching so they didn't have to listen to the sappy, syrupy music from my child/teen years.

As I listened to song after song, I marveled at the way that so many 70's pop songs told stories. Not just I-wanna-funk-ya-baby, but real stories with a begininng, a middle and an end. Here are some examples (apologies to some of my younger friends who won't recognize these ditties, those of you born around the early to mid 6o's will know what I'm talking about:

The Night Chicago Died - Kid and mom freak out when Pop the Cop gets caught up in Al Capone's Chicago showdown. All ends well.

Billy Don't Be A Hero - If you're foolish enough to go to war, don't VOLUNTEER to go on a dangerous mission! Doesn't end well for Billy and the fiancee is pissed that he didn't listen to her (she throws the letter away...)

Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree - Guy gets out of prison, wants to know if his girlfriend still loves him (she does, goes to A.C. Moore with her 40% off coupon and buys out the yellow ribbon department!) Interesting how this was adapted for returning soldiers, not PRISONERS. How did that happen?

Harper Valley PTA - Don't remember the song, just the bad movie with Barbara Eden.

Ode to Billy Joe - Billy Joe McCallister jumps off the Tallahassee bridge because he developed a taste for dick (cut to Glynnis O'Connor weeping over Robby Benson's body.)

The Night The Lights Went out In Georgia - Somehow an innocent man was hung and there are bloodstains on the hands of the Georgia patrol. I think Kristy McNicol was in this movie...

Shannon - Someone's dog gets sucked out to sea, (hey, she always LOVED to swim away!)

Lonely Boy - Spoiled boy gets in a snit when his little sister is born, BOO HOO! Life sucks, get a helmet!

Run Joey Run - Girl gets knocked up, Dad goes on a murderous rampage against the boyfriend (uh, that would be JOEY), girl jumps in front of Joey to protect him, father guns down his own daughter (LOVELY!)

At Seventeen - Ugly, lonely pimpled girl bemoans her life because she SUDDENLY DISCOVERS THAT LIFE SUCKS FOR UGLY GIRLS? AGAIN, GET A HELMET! (actually, I kind of identified with this one...)

Go Away Little Girl - 7 Year old Donny Osmond is trying to fend off the attentions of some little girl because he ALREADY HAS A GIRLFRIEND!!! WTF???

My personal favorite:

Seasons in the Sun - Sorry Dad, Sory Michelle, time to die, but at least we'll have all those memories of our time in the sun. Maybe if he had used SPF 30 he wouldn't be dying.

There are many more out there, feel free to post your favorite on our comments page.
The 70's LIVE! (in my iPod that is!)

In the Hood

2008-03-21T10:46:00.002-04:00

A friend emailed me this website and if you are a Mom....you MUST check it out. It is very funny. It's short little movies (4-5 minutes each) detailing all the ups and downs of life as a haus frau. I don't really like Jenny McCarthy, but she plays her role briliantly as a perfect mom.

Just something to brighten up your day!

www.inthemotherhood.com

This just in from Mr. Flossy...

2008-03-20T08:44:00.002-04:00

I've received this e-mail before, but my husband sent it to me again yesterday and suggested it for the blog. I take no credit for the writing, this was just a simple matter of cut and paste. But I applaud the meaning behind the story:

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your fr iends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked.

"It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."!

Imaginary Friends

2008-03-19T15:48:00.004-04:00

I count myself lucky that my children still believe in Santa Claus. I know the oldest is about to turn 10, but it warms my heart that he still wants to put out cookies for Santa and carrots for the reindeer. Granted, the downside is that they still believe that Santa can bring any present to them, regardless of cost or availablity. (THANK GOD THEY DIDN'T ASK SANTA FOR THE Wii!!!) I can't tell you how many times I've heard them say, "That's okay Mommy, Santa MAKES the toys, it doesn't cost him ANYTHING!" I finally had to tell them that the elves make some of the toys and that Santa gets a bulk discount from Toys R' Us.

Let's not even discuss how Santa brings different things to different kids. At my house, Santa brings little trinkets in the stockings and one Holy Grail gift (like a Nintendo DS or a pricey Lego Set). At another friends house, the main haul is courtesy of the big guy. And another friend's kids get EVERY SINGLE GIFT from SANTA! If they are out of state, Santa leaves gifts in BOTH PLACES! Every gift that comes from their grandparents, cousins, parents or aunts is actually from SANTA, but the relative in question put the REQUEST to Santa on the child's behalf. Can you imagine what would happen if our kids all got together and compared notes?

But I digress.

My kids also still believe in the tooth fairy. This is less of a deal (both logistically and financially). They are both heavy sleepers so it is easy to sneak the tooth out from under the pillow and slide that dollar bill underneath. Again, this is not without its drawbacks... The one time I fell asleep and FORGOT to put the money under my son's pillow, he woke up, looked under his pillow and struggled not to cry. Luckily, the Super Bowl had been the previous night. I urged him to try putting his tooth under his pillow again and sure enough, the Tooth Fairy left him a note saying that too many kids had stayed up late to watch the Super Bowl and she hadn't gotten around to all the teeth in one night. She also doubled the amount of cash she normally left, just for his pain and suffering. He TOTALLY bought it! Phew! Again, the downside is that if either of my kids goes through my bra drawer, they will find a HUGE stash of baby teeth in various ziploc bags. Luckily, they are afraid of bras!

Then there's the Easter Bunny. Lucky for me, we spend every Easter at my mother's house, so she deals with the "bunny baskets" as she calls them. Some crayons, some play-doh, a few trinkets from the dollar store and a chocolate bunny and it's a done deal.

HOWEVER, THERE IS A NEW SILHOUETTE LOOMING ON THE HORIZON...

My son came home from school on Monday (that would be Monday, MARCH 17th!) and told me that a classmate instructed him to place ALL HIS SHOES by the bedside and the LEPRECHAUN would come and put CANDY AND MONEY IN HIS SHOES!!!

For the love of GOD! When does it end??? The elaborate ruse that we need to maintain in order to keep our children happy??? The delicate house of cards that requires only the tiniest tremor to bring it crashing down.

Here's the dictionary definition of leprechaun: "One of a race of elves in Irish folklore who can reveal hidden treasure to THOSE WHO CATCH THEM."

Okay kids, if you see a leprechaun running through our town, feel free to catch him and get what's coming to you. But if you think you can reap any kid of financial rewards from leaving your shoes exactly where I DON'T WANT THEM (in fact, right where I will trip over them when I come to kiss you goodnight!)YOU'VE GOT ANOTHER THINK COMING!

I refuse to get on board with a F%@%IN' LEPRECHAUN! That little green midget can kiss my Luck Charms!

Of course a friend of mine has been perpetrating this particular fraud for years. When they came home from skiing this past weekend, they discovered that "LUCKY" had knocked over chairs, scattered the throw rugs and left chocolate coins and green derbys strewn around the house.

Great, now I have to keep my kids away from her kids.

At least until after the Easter Bunny comes.

INTERVENTION

2008-03-18T16:01:00.005-04:00

I am going to stage an intervention for Flossy. I just cannot take one more phone call from her about how awful/sick/nasty she feels because of her addiction. What is her addiction you ask?

It's not drugs or alcohol, she's not bulimic or anorexic, bulanorex or even a sexaholic...its worse people, far worse. I have three words for you.....

Cadbury Mini-eggs.

Oh the horror, the sheer horror of it! I can just picture the Intervention right now. Candy would be there from the show as our facilitator. Mr. Flossy and the kids, all her other BFF's including Susan from London. I would be first to read my statement....

" Dear Flossy,

sniffle...sniffle....."You mean so much to me as a friend. It is so hard for me to stand by and watch you kill yourself day after day on those damn eggs. I know the lure of chocolate and I know the pain it can cause. Can't you learn from the pain of others? Take lessons from me, chocolate is NOT your friend....it's your ENEMY. Sure, those bags of eggs may come but once a year, and heck, that are so cute with their bright colors and oh, the rich creaminess of them slowly melting in your mouth, and I KNOW the thought of not seeing them for another full year makes you scratch your skin raw...but you must resist girlfriend! Resist, damn it!" full-blown tears now...even the hardened Candy is crying too. "You are a strong, self-reliant, tough woman! Do not allow yourself to fall any farther." Sob. Deep breath...quaking voice. Sob. "There is no winning against the pull of cadbury mini-eggs, you must seek a higher power and connect with others who share your weakness. Will you accept this gift of treatment?"

I'm telling you, she needs it. Hell, we all need it. Is there a food rehab?

"I don't wanna go to rehab, no, no, no............."

Girlfriends & Moms

2008-03-18T14:32:00.002-04:00

Has anyone received that great e-mail about what girlfriends will do for other girlfriends in need (i.e., hold your hair when you puke, tell you what a rat bastard your ex-boyfriend is, give you the straight dope about how you look in a swimsuit, etc.) Girlfriends are great but MOM girlfriends ROCK!

A mom girlfriend will not think twice about throwing a coat over her pajamas and watching your kids while you rush your other kid to the ER.

A mom girlfriend drives you to the airport shuttle with a car full of kids on their way to hockey practice...even though it is miles out of her way.

A mom girlfriend will bring you gatorade, saltines, prescriptions or anything else you need from the store for your sick kid because she knows that tomorrow it might be her turn to be housebound.

A mom girlfriend will do the same with a cup of coffee when your husband takes your car cause his is in the shop.

A mom girlfriend will work out a carpool that works to your advantage, even if she gets nothing out of it for herself.

A mom girlfriend will listen patiently while you cry about the things that happen to your kids that break your heart (ie. the meanness of other kids on the bus/playground/soccer field, the attitude of your not-quite-teenager, the poor results on the MCAS, etc.)

A mom girlfriend will pass along her trashy magazines to you so you can enjoy the latest antics of Lindsay, Paris and Britney without having to shell out the $3.50 yourself.

A mom girlfriend always asks if you need anything from the grocery/drug/craft store.

A mom girlfriend will volunteer to watch your kids for that special night out when all other babysitting options have failed.

A mom girlfriend knows when you NEED a night out with the girls and will not take NO for an answer (and she is ALWAYS right!)

A mom girlfriend will never judge the decisions you make as a mother. She knows that each decision, no matter how small, may have serious consequences. She also knows that she may very well be in the same position herself one day and will need a mom girlfriend to support her.

This post is my tribute to my mom girlfriends. Without you I would not be the mom/woman/wife/person I am today! HERE'S TO YOU!

Strange, gross and true....

2008-03-18T11:54:00.003-04:00

My big sis lives overseas, in a large cosmopolitan city, in a semi-normal developed country. She's been there for 6 long years. I wish I could say she was moving home soon....but alas...she is moving on to yet another foreign city....far less cosmppolitan and still developing country.

This is her story...

"I was at the gym (our "super-elite" 7K a year gym) trotting along on my elliptical when the guy running on the treadmill next to me starting hawking and spitting ON THE TREADMILL like he was out on the track! I almost threw up! But, of course none of the natives even lifted an eyebrow. I could get really huffy about the level of civilization here, but have to keep in mind a little tidbit my hubby shared with me about something he noticed in the headquarters/office of his new job (this is in the new city they will be moving to). The bathrooms are well -signposted with notices begging people to "PLEASE USE THE TOILET PAPER." One can barely wrap one's mind around that. Maybe I should tattoo the Marine motto on my bicep with a slight twist - Semper Purellis."

So let's pause for a reflective prayer my fellow bloggers...."May God Bless the people of the United Sates of America....the best germphobes on the planet!" Now, don't even think of spitting on the treadmill or not using toilet paper, because I swear WE WILL KNOW and you WILL BE HUNTED DOWN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE.

Eat, Drink & Be Merry - St. Patty's Day!!!

2008-03-15T15:45:00.005-04:00

An Irish Blessing - Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!

May good luck be your friend

in whatever you do

And may trouble be always

A stranger to you.

May your home be filled with laughter

May your pockets be filled with gold

And may you have all the happiness

your Irish heart can hold.

May your blessings outnumber

The Shamrocks that grow

And may trouble avoid you

Wherever you go.

But most importantly....

May you be half an hour in Heaven

Before the Devil knows you're dead.

And now a joke......

An irishman is speeding down the Conor Pass, when a woman comes hurtling round the corner. He swerves to avoid her, but as she passes she leans out and the window and screams "PIG!"

Astonished, the man turns and yells back, "Ya Bitch!" as he reaches the bend and crashes into a pig.

Cock of the Walk

2008-03-15T08:32:00.006-04:00

As I look out at the dreary, rainy Massachusetts morning I am trying not to dwell on the fact that exactly one week ago I was eating French onion soup and gazing at the Eiffel Tower. I'm resigned to be back in mommy-mode, even with my 7-year old's birthday party at the ARCADE looming tomorrow.

I wanted to just share with you some of the observations I made while I was in England. Namely, that the citizens there are OBSESSED WITH SEX!

Okay, maybe I'm a little repressed, but it seemed to me that every place we went there were references to the male...uh...member.
Or sex...
or both.

My friend lives in Crouch End (crouch, what an awful word, almost as bad as SQUAT!). Why are you crouching on your end? For some sexual purpose?

Technically, the town she lives in is called HORNSEY (I kept picturing Austin Powers saying "Do I make you HORNSEY baby?") At one time we traveled through HORNSEY RISE!

As we were traveling by bus we kept hearing the announcement that we were heading towards SHAFTSBURY. If you prefer, you could travel to ST. JOHN'S WOOD! Or SHEPHARD'S BUSH (A nod to the ladies there!)

If you prefer not to take the bus you can take the subway or as they call it THE TUBE! And when you are on the TUBE be sure to MIND THE GAP (that's a warning not to fall in the space between the train and the platform, but STILL...)

Don't forget that some of the folks over there speak COCKNEY! 'Ello govnuh, care for some BANGERS AND MASH?

And when you are all done traveling (Watch out for the speed bumps in the road, they are called HUMPS!) you could head over to MONKEY NUTS (yes we ate there!) and enjoy some SPOTTED DICK (that's a dessert! I have a can of it in my kitchen now!)

Okay, is it just me?

Brace for Re-Entry

2008-03-13T10:58:00.004-04:00

Let me begin by stating that I have absolutely NO reason to complain about my lot in life when I just got back from a fun-filled weekend in LONDON and PARIS (Paris was a surprise!) I was able to spend some quality time with my best friend who took me to all the best spots for food, shopping and site-seeing. My biggest decision each day was whether to have almond or chocolate croissant for breakfast. So please don't think me a whiny, overindulged hausfrau when I say...

Re-entry is a bitch.

Okay, its not just the time (though to be fair, the UK is 5 hours ahead of the US and then you all went and changed the CLOCKS over here while I was gone!) But my body has pretty much caught up with the differences.

Its my own fault that my return from London was scheduled for a week that included a 7-year old's birthday, two Pampered Chef parties and a birthday party for said 7-year-old at the ARCADE!!!

Why did I do that to myself?

My kids were so happy to see me Monday night (or rather, happy to see the goodies I brought back from across the pond!) and I basked in the afterglow of my amazing trip and the love of my much-missed family.

Of course reality came crashing back to me the next morning when my kids would not get OUT OF BED. I had to revert to my usual screechy mommy voice, threatening them with bodily harm if they didn't get their asses out of bed THIS INSTANT!

After shoving them onto the school bus and cursing the fact that Tuesday is early release day, I contemplated the state of my house. Though my husband tried to keep things in order while I was away, there was my luggage to unpack, dirty laundry to wash and Pampered Chef catalogs to stamp. Not to mention phone calls to answer so I could relay to all my friends the details of the most wonderful weekend.

All too soon my little DARLINGS were screaming off the bus, bursting through the door, dumping their backpacks and coats on the hall floor and demanding snacks. More screeching on my part to get them to finish their homework before it was time to saddle up, pick up their friend and head to TaeKwonDo.

Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled that I had this weekend away. It makes me appreciate all that I have, both as an individual and as part of a family unit. I got to remember what it was like to be carefree, responsible for only my own schedule and well-being. But as I said, re-entry is a bitch!

The night I returned my little one crawled into bed in the middle of the night. When my husband asked him what he was doing, he said "I'm just helping Mommy get her groove back!"

Soldier on!

Gazing Balls

2008-03-07T11:38:00.004-05:00

Now don't get all dirty minded on me after reading the title on this one. I don't mean gazing at balls....I mean Gazing Balls. What exactly are lawn gazing balls intended for? Seeing a huge colored globe perched atop a stand in the middle of the lawn is a tad weird. What is the purpose of the globe? What does it reflect? When one walks up to the ball is your image completely distorted like a funhouse mirror? I've seen my image in a funhouse mirror, and, well, it's not pretty. Think bulbous eyes and nostrils the size of garbage can lids. Is it a medium to which the ball gazing homeowners are in contact with alien life from another ball gazing planet?

Or is the purpose more practical, less celestial....like to keep small animals away from your lawn.....or to reflect the image of nature? But really, why do you need to see a tree, a squirrel, the sun, or the sky in purple, pink and green? It seems sort of trippy...don't ya think?

Flossy and I happened to notice a house in our "walking block area" that has not one, not two, but THREE gazing balls! THREE! Good grief!!! I mean.... I can see one or two lawn ornaments.... even mix it up with say, a cement bunny, or a kitty flag, but THREE GAZING BALLS? Now that's just plain crazy. Or tacky. Or weird. Take your pick.

Old fashioned mommy......

2008-03-06T14:54:00.004-05:00

I feel like I am a throw back to a previous generation. An old fashioned mommy. You know that mommy, the kind where with a death stare you were frozen in mid-air of smacking your brother, or shoving the candy into your pocket, or running through a store. My mother could stop me cold by one look and it was freakin SCARY. If I should test my limits just a tad, the look would be followed by the squeezed arm grip/her face two inches from your face teeth clenched "just wait until we get home" mommy whisper. For sure then I knew I was in deep kaka. So, in general I behaved. My five siblings did too. There was NO margin for error.

Which leads me to my point. My kids all are respectful, decent and more or less kind little people. They behave well in restaurants, supermarkets, church and school. It's taken me YEARS to get to this point where I feel completely comfortable taking my kids to any event or place, adult or kiddie oriented. I do not tolerate infantile, imbecile, arrogant or obnoxious behavior. If they start acting up, they get the LOOK. Followed by the death grip/when we get home whisper. Followed by immediate removal. Not too hard, right? (Oh, and by the way, no, I am not perfect and neither are they. Transgressions do occur from time to time. I mean c'mon, they are children for pete's sake! ) It's a child's job to act like a twerp now and again, and it's our job to say cut the crap. So what the heck has happened to my co-horts in parenting? These are examples of ill behaved children that I have witnessed with my own two brown eyes:

1. child in church rolling around on floor, kicking pews, smacking mother, shouting GO AWAY, LEAVE ME ALONE over and over, rolling car up and down pew, rolling car up and down dad's head, face, neck, and arms, farting, snorting. Mom does nada. Pats kid on back and says "stop that" about 58 times. child continues to RULE.

2. child shows up to religious education classes with Ipod buds in his ears and playing full blast. child also answers cell phone calls in class. mother just sent kid into class and is down the hall, so she is FULLY aware that child has Ipod and phone.

3. young man hacks up lungee and spits it 5 feet in front of me. yes, he did see me before he spit. this was at a public place, a huge suburban mall with many, many people milling around.

4. child reports to my child that her mother (me) is a "bitch." Can you imagine calling a classmate's mother a bitch when you were in 5th grade? The audacity!!! I was absolutely bowled over.

I mean WTF? Get some control people! You are creating your own personal hellions! Of course every generation says that the current youth of America are the "most disrespectful, self centered, obnoxious people EVER." I guess that's getting older. But in all seriousness, have you noticed that parents seem to be on autopilot these days? You had these kids for a reason. They cannot raise themselves. They are not puppies. Teach them to be a part of society.... Respect adults, learn to be quiet when others are talking, don't interrupt, don't behave as if every place is a jungle gym, leave your electronics at home, etc. Sure it's gonna take some effort...you're going to have to rip your kid out of a fun time screaming/wailing, you're going to have to be mean and nasty sometimes, you're going to have to raise your voice or give the look, you're going to have to be the boss and not their friend. It's OK....they will hate you now, but love you later.

Final note.....Practice the look.....believe me, it works.

Fly the Friendly Skies

2008-03-05T17:25:00.003-05:00

First the good news: I am going to LONDON tomorrow.
Now the bad: I HAVE TO FLY TO GET THERE!

One of my best friends of all time has been living in London for the last two years. After countless requests to come visit (and my excuses of no time, no money, no one to watch the kids...) I finally decided that life's too short so I booked a flight and I leave tomorrow. Mr. Flossy will take just a couple of days off from work, he and our boys will enjoy wonderful family bonding and I will get a much needed break from mommy-hood to spend with my freewheeling single BFF.

First there is my luggage. Right now it is filled with reduced-fat microwave popcorn, Quaker Instant Oatmeal, Extra Strength Excedrin and Static Guard. Apparently the UK is about twenty years behind on many of these modern conveniences and my American-born friend needs them. According to my friend, they have JUST GOTTEN REAL ZIPLOC BAGS! Though of course, there is only ONE store that carries them! I can't wait to see the expression on the face of the security guard who watches my luggage go through the scanner. I'm a little concerned about the Static Guard, since aerosols are not exactly smiled upon even in checked bags. See I went to this website, www.airsafe.com to see what I can and CAN'T take both in my checked bag and my carry on. Here's what I learned:

Billy clubs, black jacks, brass knuckles, stunguns and throwing stars are NOT allowed in carry-on but you CAN check them.
Ditto for ice picks, meat cleavers, sabers, cattle prods and spearguns.

Of course explosives of any kind are not allowed, but neither are realistic replicas of explosives. That mean's I'll have to leave that large black ball with the flaming fuse and the word ACME printed on it at home.

Surprisingly, infectious materials like lab specimens, viral organisms and bacterial cultures are not allowed in either carry on OR checked baggage. So I guess that means I can't bring that ebola sample I've been keeping in the back of the fridge.

Now everyone who knows me knows that I HATE to fly! When I told Mr. Flossy about how I especially hate flying over water at night, he laughed and said, "Hey, if something happens to the plane, it doesn't matter whether its day or night, over water or the ground.".

Thanks!

While checking out this airsafe website, I noticed a link that said Fear of Flying. I clicked on it, hoping to get some helpful tips on how to chill out. There were several books recommended, a few CDs to consider, some helpful suggestions, and a highlighted link titled A Note on Turbulence.

I clicked the link since I grow rigid at the least little bump, thinking there would be a reassuring tidbit about how turbulence is no big deal. Here's what it said: Turbulence is a common occurrence on many airline flights and the presence of turbulence may make a passenger nervous or uncomfortable. The following links provide background information on turbulence and turbulence-related events. The next link was labeled: SELECTED FATAL TURBULENCE EVENTS!!!

Click the link and you can see the top 10 most recent instances of passengers who DIED FROM TURBULENCE!!!

This prompted a call to my primary care physician for a prescription that would knock me out for the duration of the flight.

Then there was the question of what to wear? My flight departs at 7:45 P.M., arrives in London at 7:00 A.M. Since I want to be able to go go go when I get to London, I'm hoping to sleep a little on the flight. A friend and I went shopping the other night and picked out a comfortable but not too tacky grey velour sweatsuit. I figured I could wear it with my fur vest, some subtle jewelry and some cute metallic toned casual sneakers. When I mentioned this to my London friend, she went BALLISTIC!

"YOU CAN'T WEAR THAT", she screamed at me across the Atlantic via AT&T. "YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A TACKY AMERICAN TOURIST WHO HAS NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY!"

Um, lets see. I am a middle aged soccer mom who drives a MINIVAN, sells PAMPERED CHEF, coaches LEGO ROBOTICS and is about 40 lbs overweight. Ain't no outfit gonna change THAT! And you know what? I AM an American who hardly ever leaves the country (if you don't count Canada or the semester abroad I did more than 20 years ago!) I told her I was going to swap my grey sweatsuit in for a RED WHITE AND BLUE ONE, ADD A FANNY PACK AND A PAIR OF SNEAKERS. JUST FOR FUN I'LL ADD A PAIR OF READING GLASSES ON A BEJEWELED CHAIN AROUND MY NECK! AND A COWBOY HAT!

Those Brits are gonna LOVE me!

I may not be able to blog until I return, but if there's anything worth passing along, I'll send it via Mr. Flossy (who's AKA Mr. Mom this weekend!)

Cheerio!

Not In So Many Words...

2008-03-01T08:48:00.007-05:00

You readers have been so supportive and compassionate these past two months. You have read my confessions and encouraged my efforts with your comments. I feel it is only fair that I reveal to you the true nature of my past.

Although I have told everyone that I was born and raised in NJ, the REAL truth is that I was born in a subterranean village several miles beneath the earth's crust. The residents of these villages, the Magmites, hide from "topside" citizens, too ashamed of their grotesque features (which look like a cross between shrunken heads and the melting Nazis from Raiders of the Lost Ark). Upon my birth, I was branded a "freak" because of my human, "topside"-like features. (Think Marilyn amongst the Munsters). When I was old enough to fend for myself, my Magmite family forced me into a sack, dragged me miles to the earth's surface and thrust me out into what I have come to think of as my "adopted-world". Though I was raised by the good natured Anderson Family, I have never forgotten my true family still toiling miles beneath the surface. I am and always will be a Magmite at heart.

What? You don't believe me?

Apparently, it's all the rage now to re-invent your past in order to score a few bucks for a book deal. Just ask anyone who read James Frey's book, A Million Little Pieces. Who wouldn't believe that a wreck of a man recovering from addicition would have a root canal without the benefit of novocaine, would rip his own toenail off just for fun, would spit in the face of an established 12-step program so that he could pull himself out of the hell that was his life in HIS OWN WAY?????

Yeah, right. Frey's response when the REAL truth came out was that his "coping mechanism" was to think of himself as meaner and badder than he really was. When asked if he did this because it was how he wanted to see himself or because he knew it would sell more books he replied, "Probably both".

Today on Yahoo there is yet ANOTHER story of a woman who wrote a memoir about her life during the Holocaust. Supposedly, her Jewish parents were killed by the Nazis, so as a 4-year old she went to live with WOLVES???

According to Yahoo, this now 71-year old woman did NOT live with a pack of wolves to escape the Nazis, did NOT trek 1900 miles across Europe in search of her deported parents, did NOT kill a German solider in self-defense, and WASN'T EVEN JEWISH!!! (click the link top left for more information!)

Yet the best-seller she wrote more than 10 years ago states all of those "facts" and has been translated into 18 languages. The French have even made it into a feature film (but then again, that's the French for you. Those crazy f*ckers think Jerry Lewis is a GENIUS!)

Here's my favorite part of the author's statement: "This story is mine. It is not actually reality, but MY reality, my way of surviving."

I think its time to expunge the genre of memoir from publishing, since apparently anyone can claim anything about their life and it will be published as fact.

In the meantime, look for my new book coming to a Borders near you: "Down & Dirty: My Life with the Magmites"

Give and Take...

2008-02-28T08:25:00.002-05:00

There are many key words associated with marriage. Trust of course, is the biggest. Love, respect, perspective, these are all things that greatly enhance a marriage.

And then there's compromise. That give and take that is essential to the success of two people sharing their lives together. Even before Mr. Flossy and I got married, we would compromise to keep the peace. I wouldn't chew gum with my mouth open and he wouldn't make that strange, high-pitched sound that reminded me of a balloon squeak. Neither of us would think of spending more than $100 on something without consulting the other (except for that $400 compost tumbler he had to have..) He put up with my crappy choices in television, I put up with his boxed sets of Grateful Dead.

And now, after nearly 13 years of marriage, we are still compromising. On how we discipline our kids...where we spend Christmas and Thanksgiving...how we manage (or mismanage) or money. And then there are the REALLY important issues:

I will no longer eat black bean soup (which makes my gas smell like a rotting dead animal)
He will no longer eat raw red onions (which makes his breath smell like old truck tires).

Ah compromise! It brings harmony and balance to a marriage.

Oh Poop.....

2008-02-25T13:15:00.002-05:00

We live on a nice street, in a nice neighborhood, in a nice town. It's not a McMansion millionaire kinda area, but its a lovely mixed neighborhood with working professionals, families, and retirees. It's a quiet, mind your own business, be glad to pop over for a beer, come swimming in my pool with my permission kind of place. We have been here 10 years and we love it.

What's my prob? Dogs and poop. DOG POOP. I love dogs, dogs are cute and funny and they make the whole world a wonderful doggy filled place. However, I do NOT like dog poop. Specifically, I do not like ANYONE's dog pooping on my grass or even better, at the end of my driveway. It's really quite a hassle when my kids step in dog s**t right as they get on the bus....or when it sticks to my car tires and tracks into the garage, or I have to shout at my kids, playing on their own lawn to watch out for the logs that are not logs.

I have tried signs.

Sign 1: Please, my children wait for the bus here!! Pick up your dog poop! Arrow pointing at pile of poop.

Sign 2: Do I crap on YOUR lawn? Pick up your dog's crap! Arrow pointing at pile of poop.

I had to stop the signage as my 11 year old threatened to run away from sheer embarassment. The offenders, who walk their cute little pups, have read my signs....there is NO way they couldn't have. Hell, they probably had a good chuckle and rewarded their dogs for holding it all the way around the corner and then bowel explode at my house. And....they continue to let their dogs crap over and over and over on my property. You lazy friggin idiots!!!! You can't take a plastic bag with you to clean it up? How much time does that take? This is a decent neighborhood for god's sakes.....have some pride! You may ask why I don't confront the offenders. Well, last summer their was quite a bruhaha over teenagers drinking and dumping cases of beer all over the neighborhood. I opened my mouth in meek protest and was severely punished for it. (think-threats, angry confrontations, 4 bags of trash dumped on my lawn). So, I learned my lesson. Say nothing. Do nothing.

But here I am thinking I might have three options....

1. Ignore it and continue to drag buckets of water daily out of the house to wash the crap away.

2. Buy video camera and record offender and show local dog officer (yes it is a $500 fine to allow your animal to defecate on someone else's property.)

3. crap in their yard.

So glad I was able to get the crap off my chest....

One more greenie....

2008-02-24T14:52:00.004-05:00

I completely forgot to mention in the previous blog about my KICK ASS re-useable shopping bags! I purchased 10 of these suckers about three months ago. I keep them in my car and pull them out when headed to the grocery store. They are AWESOME! I feel a giant sense of smug satisfaction sauntering out of the store with all my groceries nicely packed in these bags while the many other fools, ahem....I mean shoppers.... wheel away loaded down with nasty plastic bags.

Furthermore, I have to haul my groceries up a flight of stairs and guess what???? I make TWO trips opposed to the 4-5 trips I would have had to make with plastic bags. Why, you ask? Well, you can load two times the stuff in each bag, and they have long handles so you can wing them over your shoulder like a purse. Sweet!

You can buy them for about $1 each at every supermarket these days. Here's another incentive.....I have heard rumblings, from the cashiers, that eventually shoppers will be charged 5 cents per plastic bag.

If you can do only ONE environmentally responsible thing.....get these bags!!!

It Ain't Easy Bein' Green!

2008-02-24T14:03:00.002-05:00

Funny that Fitfreak chose this topic, I was just moved to write about it myself when I saw a woman at the mall carrying a Dunkin' Donuts iced coffee in a plastic cup that WAS THEN PLACED INSIDE OF A STYROFOAM CUP!!! ARRRRGGHHH!

Now, I'm no recycling freak, I used to toss tin cans and plastic away with abandon! Till I moved in with crunchy granola roommates in Jamaica Plain, need I say anymore??? My throwaway days were OVAH!

Al Gore has changed all that, he scared the CRAP out of me with An Inconvenient Truth (actually he HALF scared the crap out of me, half BORED the crap out of me, I confess I snoozed during some of it but the part I was awake for was freakin' SCARY!)

So here we all are trying to reduce our "carbon footprint" (ah, such a trendy phrase!) Use florescent, not incandescent. Turn down your thermostat, carpool, RECYCLE, RECYCLE, RECYCLE!

I remember when I gave Fitfreak shit about her lack of recycling, she said, "We really don't use very many plastic bottles!" and I said, 'Oh really, you don't use KETCHUP, MUSTARD, MAYONNAISE, WATER, GATORADE, SHAMPOO, CONDITIONER or ANY HAIR PRODUCTS???? You don't microwave LEAN CUISINE MEALS or buy STRAWBERRIES IN PLASTIC CONTAINERS??? HUH????? DO YOU??

Maybe it was my diatribe. Maybe it was the Living Green page a day calendar I gave her for Christmas that helped. Whatever it was, I thank you, the planet thanks you and most of all AL GORE thanks you!

Green is a beautiful color...

2008-02-24T12:51:00.002-05:00

I love to throw things out. It makes my insanely euphoric to dump papers, whatnots, crappy toys, junk mail and all things that land on my kitchen counter....out, out, out. As a matter of fact, I can count at least four times I have had to don the rubber gloves and pick through the trash for that oh so important paper that one of my kids had to have signed by me, or completed for the next day, or was vital to soverignity of our nation....whatever, you get the drift. My children don't ask me if something is lost or misplaced....they glare at me with those eyes and say "mum, did you THROW it out???" My answer 9 out of 10 times is....yup.

So in this vain, dump day is my happiest day of the week. Weeeee, it's Friday! Time to load up the car and dump all that useless crap that floats around the house all week and causes me to have panic attacks. (I am neatfreak....see previous blog for more information). I friggin LOVE the dump. Oh, how invigorating it is to heave those laden bags of trash into the giant pit!!! Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, I am FREE at last!

So, one day Flossy got on my case about the amount of trash I dumped and my complete lack of recycling. She was adamant about saving our planet, and I was, ......well, not. (Let us please note that I do recycle my cardboard boxes and daily newspaper but that was about it.) She would screech at me.....What about the plastic water/milk bottles, the bottles of Pellegrino Mr. Fitfreak downs, or my fav Fresca cans??? "Too much of a pain", I said. "Get a conscience!", she said.

Fine, fine, FINE! Guilt usually works with me. So off I go to purchase a laundry basket for plastics and a bin for the bottles. I was quite sure that there would be little to throw in to each bin and the whole damn effort would be a complete and total waste of my time. WRONG! I am amazed and PROUD to report that this family of 5 has gone from 6-7 full trash bags a week to 2-3!!!! The recycling bins for bottles, cans, plastic and newspaper/boxes/paper are FULL every week! I was completely and totally shocked! I really and truly didn't think we used that much stuff that could be recycled.

Now I am even more pumped for the dump. I swing my two bags of trash into the pit and hop, skip and jump over to the recycling area. Like a recycling fairy, I dump my bins into the appropriate areas and leave with a great feeling of doing something right! Mr. Fitfreak thinks it is all silly, and whatnot. But here is my attitude, no matter what you believe about global warming or the environment.....isn't it worth it to make even a tiny effort to do something that can help??? My tiny effort equaled into four less bags of trash being burned and polluting the air each week. Thanks Flossy!

Let's Talk About Sex

2008-02-24T07:53:00.004-05:00

Okay, file this under TMI, but I'd like to know how people squeeze in sex without their kiddoes being aware of it? Mr. Flossy and I just had a quickie this morning, and thankfully the kids were both sound asleep, but on a previous morning we finished only to have our nearly 10-year old anxiously call out "Daddy are YOU OKAY???" He thought there was something wrong with MY HUSBAND'S BREATHING! We assured him that Daddy had a little stomach ache, which accounted for the groaning and he seemed to buy it.

Most nights, the kids fight us about going to sleep. Even on a good night, the older one might still be awake until 10 p.m. By that time, I am snoozing myself and GOD HELP MR. FLOSSY IF HE WAKES ME UP FROM A SOUND SLEEP TO HAVE SEX! Sorry, but has anyone seen one of those horror movies when a perfectly normal person suddenly morphs into a hideous demon? Yeah, that's me being woken up for SEX!

Luckily for the husband and I, God invented America's Funniest Home Videos. On Sunday nights from 7-8, our kids are GLUED to the television down in the playroom. We can hear their screams of laughter through the floor as people on t.v. get nailed in the balls, fly off a skateboard or accidentally run over their cat with the lawnmower (oops!). Conversely, they cannot hear our screams of pleasure through the floor (okay, maybe not SCREAMS, but still...).

The only downside to this arrangement is when AFV is pre-empted due to a very special two-hour Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

Damn that Ty Pennington!

Book Club

2008-02-21T11:00:00.001-05:00

The first rule of book club is…there is no book club.
The second rule of book club is…THERE IS NO BOOK CLUB!!!

Sorry, couldn’t resist that Fight Club reference.

Yes, I’m in a book club. There are many great things about being in a book club. I love to read. Being in a monthly book club FORCES me to read a different book every month. No matter how much crap television I watch, I must make time to finish the book club book. (I’ll wedge it in between “Lost” and “Wildest Wedding Show Moments 2”)

Being in a book club also means reading books you wouldn’t ordinarily read. I doubt I would have read any of the books that Oprah recommends (I’m difficult that way!) but if someone else recommends them, I’ll give it a shot. I never read “A Tree Grows In Brooklyn” till Fitfreak picked it (READ IT!) I also would not have read “The Kite Runner (READ IT!), Mystic River (READ IT!), Dogs of Babel (DON’T BOTHER).

Which brings me to my next point. Sometimes you’ll hate the books that people pick. Sometimes you’ll love them. Sometimes you’ll have to defend your choices (DRESS YOUR FAMILY IN CORDEROY AND DENIM!) Sometimes you’ll have to defend the choices of others (WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT KEVIN). You’ll find yourself in the middle of controversy (A MILLION LITTLE PIECES). You’ll find yourself with a book you could never hope to finish (READING LOLITA IN TEHRAN…by the way I want those 6 hours of my life back. And that was just 3 CHAPTERS!!!)

I could go on and on about the great and not so great books we have read but I really don’t want to waste your time. Which brings me to my next point.

Now that I am in a book club, I am receiving regular emails from GoodReads.com Okay, my mistake for signing onto this site that lets you list all the books you have read and see what books your friends are reading. You can rate them, post reviews, etc. After my initial sign-up, I realized that if I was constantly updating the site with the books I read, I WOULD NEVER HAVE TIME TO READ ANOTHER BOOK!

Yet, I get these daily emails saying “Kim is currently reading ‘People of the Book’” “Amy is currently reading “The Secret Life of Bees’”. “Julianne has added 20 new books since YESTERDAY”. “COME ON SLACKER, WHERE ARE YOUR LIST OF BOOKS?????

Okay, I didn’t really get that last message from Good Reads but that is the implication when I get this barrage of emails lording my friends’ book lists over my head. You know what? I don’t CARE what you are reading! If I want to know, I’ll ASK YOU! If you REALLY love your book, feel free to RECOMMEND it to me. But pick up the PHONE and tell me!

Sorry GoodReads, too much pressure, it’s time to unsubscribe.

I'm Crushin' on Ya!

2008-02-20T13:06:00.003-05:00

The first time I heard the term "mommy crush" was when Fitfreak and I went to see "Gone Baby Gone" (yes, it was during the DAY!)

"I'm replacing Matt Damon with Casey Affleck for my Mommy Crush" she said. I didn't ask her to explain, what hausfrau doesn't have a tiny crush on one of the many faces we see on reality television, primetime drama or the pages of our favorite supermarket rag (InTouch, OK!, People, US, take your pick)

Most of my friends have confided their mommy crushes to me at one time or another. "D" has it bad for Matthew Fox. Cynic67 wouldn't mind a little face time with Brody Jenner. Another wants a piece of either Chris Cornell or Josh Groban (yeah, you figure that one out...)

Even Mr. Flossy would spend time on a deserted island (if I weren't available of course) with MARILYN VOS SAVANT. You know...the BRAINIAC FROM PARADE MAGAZINE!!! "Ask Marilyn" as in "ask Marilyn the square root of the quadratic pi equation via the theory of relativity." While you're at it, ask her why you can't get a date????!!!! Of all the hot women in the world, my husband wants to be stranded with a computer with tits. Lovely. (My pick for the island was George Clooney, he's SOOO much more than just a pretty face!)

But I digress. Getting back to the mommy crush... There have been several names on my list from Mr. Clooney to Russell Crowe (we share the same birthday you know!) to Viggo Mortensen to countless others. But lately, my mommy crush has headed in a different direction altogether.

I have a crush...on a GAY MAN!

First let me provide FULL DISCLOSURE! The first man I ever loved (or thought I did) the one that took my virginity turned out to be GAY! He wasn't gay when we were together (and NO I didn't TURN him gay as you thoughtless people have voiced in the past. I prefer to think of it as no other woman EVER measuring up to me, so why bother?) We were together our freshman year of college, he asked me to MARRY him for God's sake (of course I would have had to convert to Catholicism, his mother never approved of me because I was Protestant. You can bet she wishes she had my Protestant ass back NOW!!!)

We broke up the end of our freshman year, and when I returned from a semester abroad during my junior year my roommates couldn't WAIT to tell me that he was now playing for the other team. Granted, I went to Emerson College, if you're not gay going in you will probably be gay coming out (get it??? COMING OUT???)

But again, I digress. Mister First-Love-Turned-Fag and I are still very good friends and he is living with a fabulous man who works for the Academy of Motion Pictures.

My newest mommy crush is Rami, from Project Runway. I really don't know what it is that gets me. The little hint of his Israeli accent? His gleaming bald head? The fact that he could drape jersey on a 300 lb gorilla and make her look like a star? MAYBE IT'S ALL OF THE ABOVE! Last week they showed Rami getting ready for the next challenge wearing only a TOWEL! ARRGHHH! He doesn't lisp, he has a great body, he wears t-shirts and just-tight-enough but not too tight jeans. In my mommy crush fantasy I know I could sway him to the other team! Rami, this mommy wants a piece of your salami!

But when you get right down to it, it's really not a sexual thing at all. I just want him to be my gay BFF, like Carrie Bradshaw had her Stanton in Sex and the City. Or maybe like Julia Roberts and Rupert Everett in My Best Friend's Wedding. I want him to drape ME in Jersey (though then I'd be a JERSEY COW!) But you see, I've been down this road before. For a while, I was DESPERATE for Clinton Kelly from What Not To Wear to be my best gay friend. I wanted him to give me fashion advice and lurk through stores with me, making snarky comments about what other people are wearing. In Clinton's absence, I have to rely on Cynic67 to fill the void. (She's got killer fashion style and can snark with the best of them!)

So my gay-mommy-crush for Rami will pass, as soon as Project Runway is over and I've moved onto someone different. Maybe I'd better rent a nice butch movie like Die Hard 12 or 300 to get this mommy-crush back on the straight track!

More bizzare signs and misspellings....

2008-02-19T12:55:00.002-05:00

Doe-E-Duck Coffee and Donuts

I Wanna Hold Your Hand Nail Salon

Menu - "All items includ in dinner" - a Japanese restaurant

I have the right to be ANNOYED

2008-02-19T12:43:00.002-05:00

My husband's car is in the shop for the 4th time in as many weeks. The last few times the dealership gave him a loaner. How nice of them. Today...... they had no loaners. I am the loaner today. Keep in mind that I have three busy, healthy (thankfully), active kids who want to do SOMETHING today. It's FEBRUARY vacation!!! We had plans to see the grandparents and Grandpa was going to assist the 7 year old with his pine wood derby car, and then after the lovely visit with grandparents it was off to take the kids to look at the ocean and take a stroll through the picturesque harbor. Instead, I am fielding requests for other things......

I have no car. I have no car. I have no car. I have no car. I'm on friggin auto-repeat! I HAVE NO CAR TO DRIVE YOU ANYWHERE AND/OR PICK UP ANY FRIENDS TO COME HERE.

Really, though, I am not mad at them. It's not their fault. It's not my fault. It's not my husbands fault. It's the FAULT of the friggin dealership who can't seem to fix a brand new car! For the FOURTH time. WTF????

Jeez, I mean I am quite sure that a car is not exactly like fixing a toaster, but it sure ain't brain surgery either. Figure it out people! Fix his car! Fix it, fix it, fix it!

OR....You Will Have One Angry And Raging Haus Frau To Deal With! Don't push me....I have PMS too.